Midlife crisis has mistakenly been
used to encompass everything from character flaws to psychological afflictions
to social dilemmas
Middle age is when your age starts to show
around your middle. Heard that joke? Funny, until you look down and can’t see
your toes!
Middle
age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Of all the decades in one’s life, the
forties probably provides the most fodder for comedians; this decade is
associated with men having affairs with, and women dressing up like, girls half
their age. So should you just roar with laughter [is that why they call it the
‘roaring forties’?], or take this ‘passing phase’ more seriously?
Young at heart?
Extra-marital affairs, by men as well as
women, at this age are almost expected and even excused as a part of ‘midlife
crisis’. However, unlike Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, the story does not
end with you winning an Oscar for your performance.
Responsibilities and routine can lead
relations into a rut. Rakesh never had a great marriage to begin with, but his
ambitious nature took the focus off his personal life and onto his career. By
the time he was 46, he had reached his professional peak. From where he stood,
he could see how easy it was to play the ‘field’. And so began an affair with a
colleague. When the flames of passion died out, his guilt led him to confess
all to his wife. His justification? Yes, midlife crisis.
Pallavi Ullal, a psychologist and counselor,
says, “This kind of behavior stems from a character flaw – of taking he easy
way out by giving up on your long-term relationship instead of giving it a shot
of rejuvenation after so many years of togetherness. It is not just a symptom
of this supposed age-related condition, but of deep-seated emotional malfunctioning.”
Careering off the road
After working for 25 years as an engineer,
building a small fortune over time, Vijay put in his papers and decided to
plough back his savings into organic farming! His wife, who had barely finished
clearing up after his 50th birthday celebrations, could only shrug
and put it down to midlife crisis. But the engineer was serious. Ever since he
made the move from an IT firm in Bangalore to a farm in Mangalore, you could
not deny seeing a glow in his eyes and a smile on his face.
You
can see a glow in his eyes and a smile on his face.
This age does make people revise and
revisit their life goals and career choices. You find yourself at a crossroads
– do you continue along the same path of familiarity or do you risk it all for
a challenge? If there is a nest egg in the bank and the children have flown the
coop, most would decide on setting out on the less-trodden path. And this could
lead to a healthier mindset and a happier heart.
“When one continues to do what one has done
for so many years, without engaging in hobbies or alternate pastimes, a kind of
fatigue and boredom can set in, one should attempt a good work-life balance so
that navigating the middle age years is easier,” says Ullal.
Pause and effect
Hormonal changes, which usually occur in
one’s forties, are termed as menopause in women and andropause in men. The
aberrations and emotions one faces as a teenager are similar. Except, at this
age one does not have the energy and the ability of the youth. But, ultimately
both adolescence and middle age are transitional periods.
“If
you approach the challenges of the age with acceptance and as an opportunity
for growth, then most of the problems can be avoided.”
“Not being prepared for these transitions
is what causes the so-called crises,” says Ullal. “If you approach the
challenges of the age with acceptance and as an opportunity for growth, then
most of the problems can be avoided.”
Who am I?
While the first identity crisis in
adolescence was about ‘finding yourself’, the second one is about ‘giving up
who you think you are to become what you were meant to be’. Many of us turn to
spirituality or other means to discover our inner selves.
Ritu had been a wife and a mother for so
long that when her husband succumbed to heart disease and her children started
their own families, she suddenly felt lost. Years of looking after her children
first, and then her husband in his last years, did not allow her to look at
herself as someone beyond a ‘nurturer’.
Who
am I?
Instead of moving in with her children and
helping out with her grandchildren, as they insisted she do, Ritu decided to
shift base to the mountains. She always wanted to write a book and so, over the
years she had penned down ideas for short stories that she could now compile at
peace.
Middle age is often feared as a traumatic
transition in one’s life. “This happens when people are not ready to age
gracefully,” says Ullal, “But it is just another phase with its own set of
challenges. Look at it as an opportunity to grow.”
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, a professor
of psychology at the university of Massachusetts at Amherst, in a research
paper has revealed that “people who had switched jobs early in adulthood scored
higher in a category she calls generativity – a sense of productivity in work
and a desire to leave something of yourself behind for future generations –
than those who settled down and stuck with an occupation for 20 years or more.
In contrast, she found, divorce and other changes in personal relationships in
early life had a detrimental effect on midlife mental health.”
Continuing research into this subject has
found that people are actually a lot happier at midlife than at any other point
in life. Didn’t someone say that life begins at 40?
