2. Hone their problem-solving skills
In addition to wanting to shield our kids
from life’s hard stuff, it’s also parental nature to want to fix our children’s
problem. But always swooping down with some form of plaster robs kids of an
important worth opportunity. Feeling capable of improving a tough situation is
a key component of resilience.
Hone
their problem-solving skills
So model this skill, advises Brooks, even in
very small steps. ‘If finances are the issue’, he says, ‘parents can call a
family meeting to develop belt-tightening strategies’. Encouraging kids to
contribute their own ideas help them feel more competent and confident. And if
cooking at home instead of getting takeaways is one new money-saving more, says
Brooks, ‘you can involve kids by saying, “What can we make this week?” The more
we encourage kids to problem-solve, the less overwhelmed they feel’.
3. Mind your mood
Try not to worry out loud when children are
within earshot. When parents voice feelings of despair, their kids follow suit,
says Dr Janet Hyde, professor of psychology and women’s studies at the
University of Wisconsin-Madison on the US. ‘Kid who develop their own negative
cognitive styles become more prone to depression than peers who have learnt
from their parents to think more positively’, she notes.
Mind
your mood
Though Charlotte Watters tried to be
positive when she told her 15-year-old son that she and her husband were
getting divorced, she was actually mired in rage after learning that her now-ex
had been having an affair. ‘But I knew I had to model good behaviour’, she
says. ‘I told my son I was strong and he didn’t have to worry about me. I’d say
to myself, “what would a brave person do?” and I would try to do that. I was
very conscious of pretending that I had a life – going to dances at the church
or to the moives with friends. Both alone and with my son, I’d look for fun and
adventure. In truth, it was the last thing either of us felt like doing half
the time. But it turned out to be the right thing for us both’.
Waters knew she had to keep a lid on her
emotions for her son’s sake. Research showing how attuned kids are to their
parents’ feelings underscores the importance of her approach, Hyde notes. By
adopting an optimistic attitude, Watters helped her son learn that we can,
through force of will, help ourselves rebound.
4. Keep them connected and engaged
Perhaps the most inspiring news about
resilience, many psychologists agree, is that it’s more common than experts
believed even a decade ago. Resilient kids, researchers find, are often
particularly good at cultivating positive emotions by immersing themselves in
strong relationships and meaningful activities. ‘The more capacities and
connections you have, the less likely it is that the worst effects of traumatic
events will permeate your life’, says a professor at Columbia University
Teachers College in the US.
Keep
them connected and engaged
It’s true that for all kids ‘there’s a pint
at which it’s not good to dwell on small everyday hardships, where you need to
get outside of yourself and be says Dr Richard Weissbourd, a psychologist and a
lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education in the US and author of
The Parents We Mean To Be (Mariner Books). For parents, this means that
‘fostering resilience has a lot to do with helping organise activities around
both your children’s strengths and what they enjoy’, he says. The very act of
belonging and taking care of others that naturally occurs in groups and in
other organised activities creates what can be called moral reflexes that will
provide kids with comfort and strength throughout their lives.
‘It’s certainly important for kids to know
their own feelings, and for parents to talk to them about what they’re
experiencing’, adds Weissbourd. ‘But we should spend as much time helping them
understand other people’s feelings and learn how to care for other people,
because ultimately, string relationships are the most important source of
lasting wellbeing we have’.
