| Q: |
Since my partner and I broke up, my son is sucking his thumb all the time. Have we damaged him?
| | A: |
Thumb sucking is a very common comfort habit. It is a useful and
effective form of self-soothing, which on its own is not a sign of
emotional disturbance. It is not unusual for even a school-age child to
suck his thumb at bedtime. The most common concern about thumb sucking
is the effect it has on growing teeth.
However, if your son
is spending a lot of time sucking his thumb and you think that he is
upset by your breakup, you need to take some action. If his
self-soothing isn’t working, he may need more comfort from you and his
father to have some of his fears allayed. Children find parents’
conflicts especially difficult if they don’t understand what is going on
and if their familiar routines change. Research shows that children who
keep good relationships with both their parents do best .
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| Q: |
My child can’t bear to be without his “blanky” comfort blanket. How can I break the habit?
| | A: |
Clinging to a special blanket is a habit developed to manage with
times when you are not there. If security blankets are relied upon
heavily, particularly for getting to sleep, they can prove to be
somewhat problematic. If they are forgotten or lost, you can be faced
with a distressed child and a sleepless night.
With a blanket you
can gradually make it smaller and smaller by cutting it in half and then
quarters, so your child gets used to its changed shape slowly. It is
worth keeping a piece in reserve for emergencies. It might be a good
idea to have “blanky”-free zones such as playgroup or day care, and to
gradually restrict its use to home and then bedtime.
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| Q: |
What can I do about nosepicking?
| | A: |
Attempts to stop a small child from picking her nose usually
results in an increase in the habit. In the process of exploring all the
nooks and crannies of their bodies, toddlers discover what a treasure
trove their noses are. They often pick their noses when they are bored
or tired. They also discover that they get a big reaction out of the
adults around them, which is unfortunately likely to make them do it
more.
Nosepicking
is best ignored completely. If you really cannot do this, try giving her
something else to keep her hands occupied, such as some play dough or a
small toy in her pocket to fiddle with.
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| Q: |
Why does my son want me to read the same story over and over again?
| | A: |
There are a number of possible explanations for this common
feature of toddlerhood. On the whole, toddlers do not like change.
Repetition is an effective way of learning new information and new
words, and knowing chunks of the story by heart is a great achievement
for him. It may be that some part of the story touches him emotionally
and possibly reflects something from his own experience or aspirations.
Rhythm and repetition are soothing, a central theme in toddler habits.
One method of making it more interactive and interesting is to involve
him in the reading, getting him to find characters in the pictures or
play a part by saying a character’s lines. You can try introducing
another story rather than replacing the current one. In time he’ll
probably want that one ad nauseum!
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| Q: |
Getting dressed in the morning is a battleground. Any tips?
| | A: |
Toddlers often focus their quest for some control on the process
and choices associated with getting dressed. (This also explains why
they can become obsessed with one color.) The fact that this is a time
when everyone is in a hurry may not be coincidental. Whether there is a
pattern to her resistance, such as wanting to do it all herself, or it
is a random rejection of your choices, here are a few helpful tips.
Start out positively and
on good terms, perhaps with a pre-dressing cuddle. Then play a game or
tell a story to detract from the focus on dressing. Make sure her
clothes are easy to put on, with a minimum of buttons and snaps, to
limit the number of opportunities for a meltdown. Perhaps she can be
dressing a stuffed animal while you dress her. Select clothes that are
less likely to bother her on a sensory level—toddlers can be
hypersensitive to synthetic fibers, scratchy seams, and itchy labels.
Give her choices, but not too many: Put out-of-season clothes away to
prevent having to fight over flip-flops and bikinis in winter. Finally,
praise her successes to make her more willing to try again next time.
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| Q: |
What can I do about nasty habits picked up at playgroup?
| | A: |
When your child joins a playgroup, it is inevitable that he will
copy things he sees and hears other children doing. This could be any
number of things from mildly irritating to downright disgusting.
High-pitched screeching, blowing spit bubbles, hitting, and swearing are
probably the worst of them. Balance this experience with all the lovely
things he will learn from others as well. You may be able to ignore
some of your toddler’s bad behavior or divert his attention. As with
many bad habits, your child will thrive on the reaction he gets. So if
howling or blowing bubbles go unnoticed, they will probably die down and
be replaced by something new the next time he goes to playgroup. Do
make sure your toddler knows that there are consequences for unsafe or
unacceptable behavior.
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| Q: |
My toddler masturbates! Should I stop her?
| | A: |
It is normal for both male and female toddlers to explore their
bodies and, at a time when they are getting out of diapers, they will
inevitably discover their genitals. Your child may also discover that
touching them gives her a good feeling, thus ensuring that she will
touch them again. This is entirely innocent, and you do not need to
worry about it. Scolding her or nagging her to take her hand out of her
pants may not be successful and may actually make the behavior seem more
attractive. A child with lots of love and attention is unlikely to have
a problem with excessive masturbation. If you find her putting her hand
in her pants when you are in public and you feel that you must act,
offering an alternative activity with her hands may help to stop it,
possibly something in her pocket to fiddle with, or a comfort object.
Making a distinction between “public” and “private” in relation to her
body and her behavior may help her to understand this is a private thing
to do which is not banned, but should only happen at home. Some
children play with their genitals when they are bored or unhappy. If you
think that this is the case, you may need to address the underlying
issues before tackling the masturbation.
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| Q: |
My son stutters and stammers. Will he always do this?
| | A: |
When children are first learning to speak, they often stumble
across unfamiliar sounds and jumble their words up in a desire to be
heard and a rush to get their message across. At this time repeating
sounds, syllables, or words is common and it is, in fact, more
frequently found in boys. It is not necessarily a sign of tension or
anxiety. The best way to support your son’s quest to communicate clearly
is to show him that you are interested in what he has to say, to show
him that you are in no hurry, and that you will let him express himself
without your interference. By paying attention to what he is saying you
avoid focusing on how he is saying it, and in this way you do not add
any extra pressure to his performance.
Should his stammering
continue and become more frequent with associated emotional upset, it
is worth seeking professional help from a speech and language therapist.
Your pediatrician can direct you to a local specialist.
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| Q: |
How can I prevent my child from saying “poo-poo head”?
| | A: |
Given some of the main developmental tasks of this age—learning
bowel and bladder control—it’s not surprising that the toilet and its
contents feature frequently in the language of the toddler. As with many
other nasty habits, it is best not to react too much nor to laugh at
this new-found ability. As well as providing a method of mild rebellion,
toilet humor amuses preschoolers, so they laugh at each other, thus
making it a difficult habit to break.
You may want to curb
name-calling in general and have a talk about how much names can hurt
people’s feelings. It often helps to name the emotion behind the
name-calling, by saying something like: “I can see you are angry with
your sister for taking your toy but I don’t like you calling her names.”
Try offering a small reward, such as a sticker, as an incentive for a
name-calling free day.
You may also want to
check that you and others are setting a good example in the language
that you use in front of her, especially when you are driving or being
overheard on the telephone. Whatever you do, “poo-poo head” will not
last long in her vocabulary. but at least you can be well prepared for
the challenging language that may follow it when your child enters the
preteen years.
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“I dressed myself!” A child’s determination
When she was about
three, my daughter’s love of girlie pink things became an obsession. She
would only wear pink, only dresses, and only a particular shade of
pink. I can honestly say I had no idea that a small child could be so
inflexible and so determined. I found myself developing a sort of sixth
sense, scanning clothing rails and catalogs for this particular shade of
pink dress. Eventually my friend gave me some advice: To buy her some
leggings in her particular shade of pink and a very pale pink dress and
give her the choice. She explained that I needed to stay calm and to
help her see that it was a win-win situation.
By not teasing or
criticizing her, and by encouraging her to choose between two options, I
was able to gradually expand her categories of color and type of
clothes.
“But it’s broken!” Establishing control
We went through a phase when
Sam would have a tantrum if his food wasn’t whole—if I’d cut his
sandwich or there was a corner missing from his cookie. “It’s broken!”
he’d wail and refuse to eat it. He’d rather have nothing than have food
with a piece missing. At first I thought he was being deliberately
difficult, and we had terrible battles that I never won.
Then someone told me that
it was his way of establishing some control over his life and, for some
reason, he had chosen whole food! He was a perfectly happy little boy
the rest of the time and he would eat most things, just whole. So I went
along with it. It really wasn’t very hard. Funnily enough when he went
to day care he ate sliced-up apples with all the other children.
NOTE
Central themes in toddler habits are rhythm and repetition, as they find these to be soothing
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