Your Toddler Month by Month : 2–3 Years - Managing Behavior (part 1)

“Lewis is quite jealous of his baby sister. He often acts up when I pick her up, so we try to involve him, too.”

—“Lewis is quite jealous of his baby sister. He often acts up when I pick her up, so we try to involve him, too.”

“A behavior pattern that has been learned and repeated over time is known as conditioning—if the pattern continues, the same result will always occur. ‘If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll get the same result.’”

“Even though we are separating we have promised each other to try to be consistent in the way we parent Bella. A united front is crucial if we are to help her learn how to behave appropriately and not confuse her.”

—“Even though we are separating we have promised each other to try to be consistent in the way we parent Bella. A united front is crucial if we are to help her learn how to behave appropriately and not confuse her.”

There is no doubt that between the ages of two and three toddlers can be very challenging. Their short attention span, combined with the demands of learning a new range of skills and emotions, means they can become overwhelmed very easily. Your toddler may fluctuate from being calm and giggly to hyperactive and angry in a matter of moments—and it may feel as if you do, too. The good news is that by the time your toddler is two years old he is ready to deal with and understand behavior limits and with your help can begin to control his own impulses.

A child of this age learns a great deal through imitation, so he will be learning about behavior from everyone around him, but most of all he will be learning from you. It is a good time to start modeling the kinds of behavior you would like to see in your toddler.

Your approach to managing your toddler’s behavior is influenced by your own experiences of discipline and punishment—or the lack of it . Some parents may find the idea of a routine stressful because they don’t like to conform; others may be tempted to establish a routine that is so rigid there is no room for flexibility. However, behavior limits are about much more than instilling an element of parental control. They are an important stage in your child’s understanding of “right and wrong.” You are helping him begin to learn to respond appropriately in social and other situations. Behavior-shaping is less about restraining your toddler’s behavior and more about enabling him to learn skills that will help him to make friends, be accepted socially, and eventually help him integrate in the world at large.

Managing behavior isn’t about encouraging your child to conform unquestioningly, or about being a perfectly behaved “good” boy; it is about developing self-expression and control and understanding what behavior is appropriate in different circumstances—and the consequences of that behavior. It is also the way that children first begin to understand the concepts of “sorry” and “forgiveness” (see Letting go and moving on).

Learning from others

The A, B, C of behavior

What causes us to behave the way we do? There are many theories, but it is commonly accepted that everything we think and do is learned behavior, conditioned by the experiences, people, and events in our lives. The way we act, what we say, and even our psychological and biological processes, have all been learned over time. A lot of learned behavior has its roots in our toddler years, which is when the brain first begins to build up its network of learned responses and develops beliefs that guide future behavior.

Behavior does not just happen. It always has a cause and it always triggers an effect. This is very useful for parents to remember because it is often much easier to avoid the cause of your toddler’s unwanted behavior in the first place than it is to change the outcome (such as a tantrum). Psychologists call this the A, B, C approach.

The next time your toddler has a tantrum, ask yourself:

“C” is your own response to the behavior, as well as what happened to your child as a result of his behavior.

• What triggered the tantrum? A cause or past history.

• How did your toddler react? Behavior.

• What happened as a result? Consequence, response, or outcome.

Here is an example of an ABC of behavior for a two-and-a-half-year-old:

It would be easy for Lucy to focus on the outcome (Grace’s refusal and her tantrum) and to think she needs to work on altering that, but by using the ABC approach, she can look at what happened immediately before the tantrum. The real cause was giving Grace too much choice, which triggered frustration and Grace’s difficulty in managing her feelings; and it was also compounded by Lucy’s impatient response. Next time, Lucy will give Grace just two dresses to choose from—“Would you like to wear the pink one or the blue one?”—which is more appropriate for her daughter’s level of development. She will allow more time to do things at toddler speed, too. The result is likely to be a quick and easy decision followed by plenty of hugs and smiles.

Avoiding trouble does not mean you are pandering to your toddler. Children in this age group still need adult help to manage their behavior. The fewer opportunities your toddler has to become unnecessarily distressed, the quicker he will learn positive behavior patterns and the less likelihood there will be for his unwanted behavior to become an automatic response. If a pattern of behavior is repeated often enough, then the behavior becomes a conditioned response (see Classical conditioning), which can be harder to change.

• A cause: Mom (Lucy) asks Grace which dress she would like to wear.

• Behavior: Grace keeps saying “No” to every option.

• Consequence: Lucy loses patience and makes Grace’s choice for her. Grace refuses to get dressed and has a full-scale tantrum.

Understanding his behavior

Many of our reactions to people and events are affected by the way we have been conditioned to respond through repeated experience; either through what we have been told or because of events deeply buried in our memories. What triggers our feelings or responses (the cause) and links them with the outcome (the effect) may not always be obvious—but your brain has nevertheless learned to make the association. There are two types of conditioned behavior. Psychologists classify these as classical conditioning (learning by association) and operant conditioning (learning by effect).

Classical conditioning

The most well-known example involves a scientist called Ivan Pavlov and some dogs. He knew that the sight and smell of food would make dogs drool, but he wanted to see whether he could introduce a new stimulus to trigger the drooling, without food being present. He began to ring a bell each time he brought food to the dogs. Eventually the dogs learned to associate food with the ringing of the bell on its own, and would drool whenever he rang it. They had learned by association.

Learning by association:

• Original association—Jonny’s mother always buys him a lollipop as a treat when he goes swimming.

• Changed association—whenever he is given a lollipop Jonny asks to go swimming. The cause, or trigger, for going swimming has changed from being Jonny’s mother, to the lollipop that she always gives to him. The lollipop has become linked strongly in Jonny’s past experience to going swimming, and so now, whenever he is given a lollipop, the lollipop itself becomes the trigger (A cause) that makes him ask for swimming. It has become an automatic response (Behavior).

Causes and triggers

Operant conditioning

Psychologist, B.F. Skinner, devised an experiment to show that if the consequences of a behavior are positive we are more likely to repeat that behavior. He gave pigeons a choice of red and green levers to peck to get food. Over time the pigeons learned which color would deliver food and which would not. They had learned by effect.

Learning by effect:

A toddler can become conditioned to react automatically when a familiar trigger stimulates an automatic response . Understanding what triggers your child to laugh or cry may not be immediately obvious. Learning to decode this can take patience and increased awareness of his personal triggers and learned behavior.

• Original effect—Jonny bites another child and becomes upset. His mother gives him a hug. Jonny gets a positive message and does it again.

• Changed effect—his mother removes him from the room. Jonny gets a negative message and doesn’t do it again. The alteration in Jonny’s mother’s response (Consequence) has altered Jonny’s experience of what happens when he bites someone and therefore changed the probability of him doing it again (Behavior).