I’m now six months away from the big 3-0,
and my fortune was told nearly six years ago. But in that time I’ve realised –
through beating a crippling addiction to bridal magazines and a broken
engagement – that the thing I thought I should prioritise (a relationship) has
ended up running a distant second to my own professional and creative
fulfilment. That has occasionally put my goals at odds with some of my close
friends’ goals, who are still busy looking for “the one”.
It’s easy for people to assume, since they
share so many other things, that their friends for a long time and come from
similar backgrounds”, says life coach Lisa Phillips. “People often feel hurt
when someone they care about ‘moves on’ without them, leaving them feeling left
out.”
And adjusting to friends’ new situations
can be a whole other reckoning. “Many of my oldest friends now have kids,” says
Charlotte, 31, who works in the fashion industry. “It’s not as though it not
part of my future; it’s something to look forward to. But the friends who have
children don’t seem to understand that. Although I love them and their
children, it’s not the stage I am at in my life right now, and every catch-up
shouldn’t be at their homes just because they have kids. I guess you kind of
give up and just accept that it’s the way it’s going to be with them for the
next few years.”
Resentments can fester in these situations.
Signing the deed on a stylish, inner-city terrace with your partner may send
your share-house-dwelling friend, who is still paying off travel debts, into a
green-eyed trance. A well-meaning bulk mail with an adorable photo of your baby
could be poison for your mate whose eight-year relationship has just gone down
the drain a week before her 35th birthday.
This tendency to subconsciously play
yourself off against your friends’ achievements is something Phillips sees in a
lot of women. “When situations like this come up, it can leave people
questioning their own progress in life,” she says. “They often give themselves
a hard time, believing they should be dong something different.”
It’s certainly something I’ve felt as I’ve
grown up; youthful enthusiasm can make you feel invincible, as though you’ve
got the whole world at your feet. When I began my career as a writer, I was
just shy of 20. I’d seen Almost Famous and was convinced my destiny was
laid out in front of me like tomorrow’s clothes. And while I’ve shifted my
career focus from music to film and television, writing is still the biggest
part of my life.
And yet, as the years passed, I would look
at friends with “proper jobs” and wonder if I’d taken a wrong turn somewhere. I
loved freelancing, but sometimes I’d find myself wondering if I wouldn’t love a
bit more job security and stability in my life just as much.
But growing up and heading in different
directions doesn’t have to be the death knell of a friendship – the bonds we
form in the throes of youth can often weather all manner of difference. “I feel
that when things go wrong, my old schoolfriends are the best to be around,”
says Mia. “They’ve known me forever and, in that way, watched it all from my
side. It’s a security that you don’t find in many places.”
The more I thought about my friends and my
divergent paths through life, the more I started to see it as something
beautiful. After all, surely it would be boring if, Seven Brides For Seven
Brothers-style, we all locked down a great job, great husbands and nice
houses all the time?
Phillips agrees, encouraging me to see
difference as a positive thing.
“We are all different and our lives will
take different directions. Accept where you are at the moment – that’s OK,” she
explains. “Your path may be completely different from other people. But
remember, just because other people are doing it, it doesn’t mean you have to.”
That’s something Mahalia, 28, realised when
she moved from her country town to Melbourne. “I’ve realised that putting time
frames on things is ridiculous,” she says. “You don’t have that much control of
the universe. I think that’s a part of growing: not putting the pressure on
yourself to have everything done in life by the time you’re 30.”
Indeed, if you have friends who you see as
having reached certain life goals before you, and that’s a direction you want
to travel in, see it as a chance for mentorship, rather than a competition.
“If a friend is in a situation where you
aspire to be, talk to them and find out how they did it,” suggests Phillips.
“Learn from their mistakes. Try not to feel jealous or resentful towards them
but celebrate their successes and learn from them. Alsom think of all the
exciting new situations you may find yourself in with friends in different
circumstances.”
The thing is, it’s easy to idealise your
friends’ circumstances from a distance – which means you choose to ignore the
fact that those marriages, babies, career successes and home ownerships might
have also come part and parcel with nightmare in-laws, pregnancy troubles,
working long hours or stressful mortgage repayment schedules.
Because of that, it’s possible that they
mgith look upon your life with a wistful envy, too. For example, maybe you’re
still single, something you see as a fault, but your attached friends might see
it as offering a precious freedom to travel and explore new career options.
“I never really feel like I’m not fitting
in because I find the beauty in difference,” says Mia, 29. “And if others
don’t, they’re probably not worth being around. Often when you’re feeling
insecure, it means looking within. I’ve done a bit of that this year. Look
within, talk it out: something will come out of it.”
So from here on in, I’m going to relax.
Just because some of my friends have reached certain life goals before I have,
and vice versa, it doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong: I’m just doing itd
differently to them.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not
going to chase down Tara the fortune teller for a refund – after all, a lot can
happen in six months, right?
