If you’ve been hurt by a friend or betrayed by a lover, you
may find it hard to let it go. But you should - for your sake more than theirs.
The chances are that, at some point, you’ve been hurt by
another person. You might have been harmed by a stranger - in a burglary or car
accident, for example - or by someone you know: a partner. friend, colleague or
sibling. You may not consider yourself a vengeful person, but if you’re holding
onto any negative emotions towards someone who’s hurt you, you probably haven’t
forgiven them. If you still feel angry with the girls who bullied you at school
or resentful towards the boss who let you go during the recession, you may have
work to do.
Here’s why it’s worth trying to forgive: holding onto a
grievance may cause some serious problems. Aside from corroding your trust in
others, affecting your relationships, and stopping you fully enjoying your
life, it might even affect your health. Ryan Howes, a US-based clinical
psychologist with an interest in forgiveness, points out that studies have
shown suppressing emotions can lead to high blood pressure and migraines.
The chances are
that, at some point, you’ve been hurt by another person.
So, it is in your own interest to work on forgiving people
who’ve hurt you. ‘Forgiveness grants you freedom from hatred and victimhood,’
says Howes. ‘A common myth about forgiveness is that it needs reconciliation
with the perpetrator, but you don’t have to build a relationship with them -
it’s just a way to help you let go of a grudge.’ Nor does it mean you’re
removing blame. It’s of benefit to you, not the person who’s hurt you.
Start the process
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking forgiveness is
something that happens with time, but that’s not always the case. Howes has
identified four elements to letting go of a grudge. First, you have to express
how the incident made you feel. ‘When you feel and express emotion, you can
gain insight into the source of your pain and experience relief from the
tension of holding it in,’ Howes explains. Talk it through with a friend or
counsellor, or write it down. Then you need to try to understand what happened.
If possible, ask the person who’s hurt you to explain their behavior, or try to
see it from their point of view - it may not have happened for the reasons
you’re thinking. While it’s helpful to understand what’s gone on, Howes
cautions that you may not always get a clear answer, and accepting that is part
of the process.
It’s easy to fall
into the trap of thinking forgiveness is something that happens with time, but
that’s not always the case.
Feeling safe once more is the next important element in
moving on. But don’t aim for proof you’ll never be hurt again. ‘The idea is to
have a reasonable feeling of safety, not an iron-clad guarantee,’ says Howes.
For you, safety might involve having some kind of reassurance from the person
who’s hurt you or, conversely, you might need some distance from them.
Time to let go
This stage involves making a decision not to hold a grudge.
But you can’t rush to it. You’ll only be ready to do this once you’ve been
through the three elements described above, taking as long as you need to and
returning to them repeatedly if necessary. Declaring you’ve let go but
continuing to hold a resentment, deep down, does not mean you’ve forgiven.
Howes points out that you can still move on with your life even while you’re
working through the forgiveness process. ‘Taking up a cause can help empower
you,’ he says. Try to find something that’s appropriate for your situation. For
example, if you’re feeling isolated because you’ve been hurt, consider
volunteering as a Samaritan or befriending a disabled person.
This stage
involves making a decision not to hold a grudge.
