Sexual confidence can mean many things from doing it with
the lights on, to giving him a cheeky wink and whipping out the handcuffs. But
considering a recent study found that 75% of us need a glass of wine to get
jiggy, even with long-term partners, it’s clearly something many of us are
lacking. ‘You can have sex without confidence, but you won’t have good sex,’
says Dr. Lori Boul, author of DIY Sex & Relationship Therapy. Certain
situations, though, can really test a gal’s sexual self-esteem. Here’s how to
keep your nerve – and then some!
Lost Your Sexual
Confidence?
1. Confidence
crusher: you’re with someone new
‘We’re hyper self-conscious in a new relationship; it’s as
if our “I’m not good enough” button gets pressed repeatedly,’ says sex coach
Joanna Benfield. ‘This can make it difficult to be yourself or you may worry
that you’re not doing things right.’ Try these three solutions:
Be brazen: As far as he’s concerned, you’re a woman who
knows what she wants and will be happy to make it happen. ‘Trust me on this
one,’ says womanly wiles mentor Goddess Star Monroe. ‘Chances are he doesn’t
know what he’s doing, and there’s nothing sexier than a woman asking for what
she wants in the bedroom.’
Pop a pill: ‘Try Natrum Nuriaticum if you were hurt in your
last relationship and worry about rejection,’ says homeopath Liliana Bellini.
Don’t apologise for your body: ‘Women tend to
self-deprecate, but he’s unlikely to notice “flaws” if you don’t bring them
up,” says Dr. Debby Herbenick, co-author (with Grant Stoddard) of Great in Bed.
2. Confidence
crusher: He’s had an affair
Any kind of relationship upheaval can upset your willingness
to make love, but nothing knocks sexual confidence like an affair. ‘Even if you
forgive him, you’ll still be asking yourself, ‘Wasn’t I good enough?”’ says sex
therapist Dr. Lori Boul. What now?
Treat it like a new relationship: Whenever he touches you,
it’s natural to wonder if he did that with her, too. ‘But chances are your
partner slept with other people before you got together and you didn’t fixate
on them. Treat the affair the same way – to stay together, you have to let it
go,’ says Dr. Boul.
Be mindful: If, during sex, your thoughts wander, use
mindfulness tactics to bring you back to the now.
Concentrate on one sense – tough is probably best – and
focus on the sensations as you feel your partner. Let all other thoughts go.
Make eye contact: ‘Looking at each other as you make love is
the ultimate way to deepen your connection and bring back the intimacy,’ says
tantra teacher Rebecca Lowrie.
3. Confidence
crusher: Married forever
When the man you love has seen you on the toilet or clipping
your toenails, it can be hard to work up the courage to suggest something new.
‘I’m always surprised by how many people can have sex together for years, but
never talk about it,’ says Dr. Boul. So how can you shake things up in the
bedroom without feeling embarrassed, or denting his ego?
Remember this: ‘A study of sexual health and behaviour
showed men are most easily aroused and have their strongest erections with a
long-term partner,’ points out Dr. Herbenick. ‘And it’s like he’s as keen to
try new things as you are.’
Post-sex chat: The best time to bring things up is after
sex. ‘It stops that awful “Can we talk” moment that often puts men on the
defensive,’ says Dr. Boul. If you’re still a bit nervous about saying anything,
slip notes into his sock drawer what you’d like to try. ‘Or simply dress up in
some gorgeous lingerie and get under the covers,’ says Dr. Herbenick.
Use the sandwich technique: This is Lowrie’s top way to
avoid denting his ego. ‘Surround one potentially negative comment with two good
ones,’ she explains. ‘So, if you want him to do something differently, say “I
love it when you do X; I wonder what would happen if you did Y. It would drive me
wild.”’
4. Confidence
crusher: You’re gained weight
Sex couldn’t be more physical – or exposing – so if we’re
not happy with our bodies, it’s no wonder our confidence suffers,’ says orgasm
coach Dr. Lisa Turner. The solution?
Don’t hide your body, disguise it…: If ever there’s a time
for sexy lingerie, it’s when you’re feeling less than confident. Basques pull
you in, bras push you up – and if you’re suspenders he won’t notice anything
else anyway. ‘We women are so much harsher on ourselves than men will ever be,’
points out Goddess Star Monroe.
Embrace the jiggles: According to therapists Em & Lo:
‘Men like the visual stimulation of things bouncing and wobbling, even if that
jelly belly makes you cringe.’
Take Back Crab Apple Flower Remedy: It’s renowned for
boosting body confidence. If homeopathy is more your thing, Bellini says Thuja
is good for fighting low self-esteem.
5. Confidence
crusher: You’ve just had a baby
Your body shape has changed, which brings in the issues
above, but it’s hard to feel sexy when you’re tired, lactating – and someone’s
mum. Try this:
Be patient: ‘It can take a year for your body to return to
normal,’ says sex therapist Rachel Foux. If things aren’t that tight below, do
Kegel exercises (repeatedly contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles).
Be sensual: ‘Switch the focus from being sexual to being
sensual,’ says Dr. Boul. ‘This could be as simple as wearing a silk nightie
rather than a cotton one, or just moisturizing before bed.’
Remember: he wants to have sex. “Most men tend to find
post-pregnancy sex very erotic – your breasts are bigger and he’s feeling
all-powerful as a father,’ says Foux. Plus, he hasn’t had any action for a
while. So don’t stress about stretch marks or bulgy bits – he certainly won’t!
