The no-fear, you-can-do-it (and rock it
out!) guide to single motherhood.
Being a single mom newbie is no joke. Take
it from me: At 26, I joined the club when I was three months pregnant and my
relationship ended. My son, Jack, now 4, arrived via C-section with my mom at
my side in the delivery room. Before his birth, questions and concerns clouded
my head: I live too far from my family! Will I be able to balance single
motherhood and my career? How will I explain to this beautiful baby where his
father is? Even more pressing: will I be able to manage his day-to-day care all
on my own? How will I catch up on sleep if there’s no one around to watch the
baby but me? I was exhausted just thinking about it!
Looking back, I found solutions – while
trying to heal my heart and soul – and you will too. Here, experts and single
moms who’ve been there share strategies to help you keep your sanity, your
career and your life, all while raising a confident and awesome child.
Step 1: take charge
Tame your emotions. There’s no “quick fix”
for the hormone-fueled fireworks that explode after childbirth. On top of
normal feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious, single moms also tend to
experience twinges of anger and abandonment. “Single pregnant women and new
moms often carry unwarranted guilt due to the circumstances that led to giving
birth without a supportive partner,” says Leah Klungness Ph.D., a psychologist
and co-author of The Complete Single Mother. “Even women who choose to be
single mothers [aka ‘choice moms’] have moments where they teeter between
excitement and fear.”
Louise Sloan, a choice mom and author of
Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom, says. “I tried
hard not to worry or second-guess myself during my pregnancy. What’s done was
done.” Instead, Sloan focused on the realistic aftermath of childbirth and
bringing a baby home alone. “I had phone appointments with a therapist once a
week because I wanted to be ‘in the routine’ in case I needed therapy after my
baby was born.” Then there’s worry. Single moms may feel their child will
somehow have less and suffer emotionally and material. “These women, like all
parents-to-be, correctly anticipate that raising a child will be a momentous undertaking,”
Klungness says.
Interestingly, some research suggests the
majority of children raised by single parents do not have any added
difficulties. What seems to matter most is the quality of the relationship
between the active parent and the child, how much support a child gets from
that parent and how harmonious the environment is. “Hone in on the challenges
you face today, and try not to stress about future miniscule worried like who
will teach your son to throw a football,” advises Klungness. “By the time your
child asks about the absent parent or circumstances of their modern family,
you’ll have researched the proper way to approach it.”
Find your village. Unsure she could raise
her baby alone after her marriage abruptly ended, Jessica Cady of Del City,
Oklahoma to be closer to my immediate family,” Cady says. “We raise my daughter
together.” Build your support system wherever you are. Sloan recommends making
a list of nearby friends and family. “Tell them about your fears and ask them
if they are willing to be on your ‘single mom 911’ list,” she says. “Knowing I
had someone to step in both physically [babysitting] and emotionally [overtired
mommy] was a huge weight off of my shoulders.”
“For new single moms, personal
responsibility is deeply ingrained and a matter of fundamental pride, so they
feel honor-bound to handle those sleep-deprived first few weeks and months on
their won and everything else that comes after,” says Klungness. “Handling this
time on your own can be a needed confidence boost for a woman who doubted her
own material skills.” This doesn’t mean you should isolate and reject
assistance because, sooner or later, everyone needs it. Klungness recommends
asking for help and being specific: “No one reads minds, so instead of saying
‘I’m overwhelmed,’ try saying, ‘Could you possibly pick up a couple of things
for me at the supermarket the next time you go? Here’s some money.’” When your
friend comes back with the milk, make tea as a thank you and chat.
Rachel
Sara author of Single Mom Seeking and her daughter in the background is from
the October 25th NY Times article Guardians of their Smiles
Rachel Sarah, author of Single Mom Seeking
and co-founder with Klungness of singlemommyhood.com, found her backup in a
moms group. Her family was on the West Coast while she was raising her
then-7-month-old daughter solo in New York. “Fortunately, one friendly mom in
our group lived in a high-rise that was just a few blocks from me,” Sarah says.
“She and her husband practically adopted my baby and me. I’ll always be
grateful for the many dinners they shared in their apartment.” Sarah eventually
moved closer to family. To repay the favor and ensure her friends knew their
help was appreciated, Sarah offered to babysit.
