Looking for a guy who’ll charm your
boss, impress your dad and never, ever scratch there in public what you need is
Port-a-Man – the date you can take anywhere, says Gemma Askham
“Do you know what Chris did when he farted
in bed last night?” Er… “He punched his first in the air and went, ‘Yeaaah, 8
out of 10!’” my friend Kathryn told me over lunch last week. “I was relieved –
at least it wasn’t in front of my mum this time.”
It’s dating law that, after a while, and
behind closed doors, things get relaxed (and by ‘relaxed’, I mean
‘Neanderthal’). But in public, we want buttocks clenched, hands away from
balls, eyes away from waitresses’ breasts and conversation away from the gutter.
Because it doesn’t matter how great a guy is in bed, in the kitchen or even if
he has an unusually accurate toilet aim: he needs to be able to handle himself
out of the house. Imagine your favourite handbag in man form: the one you can
take anywhere and is instantly adored. This is the Port-a-Man. So damn
likeable, so civilized, so… where is he?
Port-a-Man skill 1: Manners with strangers
I once dated a guy who was decent in every
way, apart from his incessant need to correct people’s pronunciation. He’d do it
with waiters and wine lists; taxi drivers and names of footballers; mums on the
bus talking about chicken Kievs. “Er, hi, sorry, I’m not being rude, but it’s
not said ‘keeve’…” (No, you are being rude). It was like a nervous tic
that ticked everyone else off.
Then there was the cheapskate who
point-blank refused to tip, arguing, “No one tips me, do they?” No,
because you work in a bloody office! I never quite understood his stinginess
(because he was quite the giver elsewhere) until I met his dad. The same, the
trick here, according to dating expert James Preece, is to treat Mr Social
Gaffe like a dog. “If he behaves badly, withhold your attention. When he’s
extra polite, reward his good behaviour – so, kiss him or squeeze his hand.
After a while (around ten times), he’ll start automatically doing nice things
to get this.”
Port-a-Man skill 2: Dressing the part
I’ve witnessed several fashion fails on
dates. One guy had bird poo on his back. The worst wore a waistcoat he’d made
himself out of a material best described as public. This is not Port-a-Man
behaviour. Nor is a T-shirt that reads: ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector’ (this
actually happened to my friend Lucy), or hiking shoes unless you’re on a hike.
Even if the restaurant is named after something outdoorsy (The Ivy says). The
moral: if you find yourself meeting 30 minutes early – not for an aperitif but
in anticipation of an emergency detour via Topman – take action. I once very
successfully hid a pair of horrendous sunglasses in my car glovebox until the
guy forgot he owned them. If this fails, throw out the offending item. Or him.
Port-a-Man skill 3: Working a party
For some social invites (old friend’s
wedding, important work bash), it’s OK if your first thought is, ‘Can I leave
him at home?’ faced with a room of strangers, a small-talk-shy guy often ends
up at the bar, drunk, or by your side, silent. “I threw a party last year and
had to be attentive to a lot of people. My ex brought four friends, but still
ended up glued to my side, at one point bleating, ‘After you’ve got other
people drinks, are you going to look after me?’ He was almost 40,” says
Alex, 31.
James says a social clam isn’t a lost cause
but prepare him. “There’s pressure for a shy guy to have to talk to people he
doesn’t know; he’s scared they won’t think he’s good enough. So first, give him
ammunition. Get him into some zeitgeist TV [e.g. hot new US show Person Of
Interest] – always a conversation starter. If possible, have him meet one
other person who’ll be there beforehand, and fill him in on key people’s
interests: ‘You’ll love Jen’s boyfriend, he’s an Arsenal fan too.’ Second, give
him an ego boost before you go out, with compliments that remind him of what
attracted you to him.” One friend’s husband used to be so nervous that he once
sat in silence for an entire evening with her uni friends. “After that, I told
him how important it was that he could be the relaxed person I knew, so my
friends could know him like I did. It worked: he’s made a huge effort since
then.”
Port-a-Man skill 4: Charming your family
During a decade-plus of dating, I’ve done
my bit to win over boyfriends’ parents. I’ve complimented meals (even bad
ones). I’ve cooed over those model soldiers men like to paint. I even took an
interest in George W Bush for the sake of one hot son of a Republican (what can
I say? I was 18, I’d never kissed an American, I wanted to continue to do so.)
And while I’d never want a robotic suck-up of a guy, I expect something.
Pleasant.
Unlike the ex of Lisa, 28, who went to a
wedding with her parents and got so drunk, he passed out in their car on the
way home. “When he came to, he mistook my dad for a taxi driver and tried to
pay him, then stumbled out of the car and was sick in front f our house.” Or
the charmer that Jessie, 34, once dated: “At my grandma’s 70th
birthday, my father saw my dress and said, ‘Gosh, kiddo, you look beautiful.’
My then-boyfriend piped up, rubbing his hands together: ‘Yeah, I’d do you!’”
But when a guy gets it right…wow. As Debbie, 33, who has a good one,
knows. “He nods sagely when my dad drags him off to chat ‘tools’, smiles
sweetly when my deaf granny shouts in his ear and always asks relatives to
dance at wedding, all of which means a lot to me.”
So, yes, we’ll overlook a bit of wind in
the bedroom. Because when it comes to men, we’re about the portable, not the
perfect. After all, no one wants a guy so good that he makes us look
bad.
The Port-a-Man training plan
Make any guy plus-one friendly, with
tips from Jeff Wilser, co-author of The Man Cave Book
- Act like his co-conspirator Say, “Yeah, I know my parents can seem prudish, but they
really aren’t into jokes about blow-jobs – can we keep it clean tonight?”
- Play to a nervous guy’s strengths Think about something he’s excited to talk about – cars,
travel, bondage (OK, maybe not bondage) – and steer the conversation in
that direction.
- Buy the bad dresser a new shirt Obvious? Maybe, but it works. Tell him that when he visits
your parents, he’d look great in that new top. (Unless he’s completely
clueless, he’ll get the hint.)
- Laugh off a Neanderthal moment “Oh my God, you just scratched your balls – busted!” Nest time
he does it, elbow him and whisper “Dude!” with a smile. It’s better than a
Big Talk (which rarely ends well).
- As for the guy who hits on your
friends or tells racist jokes… Sometimes a guy
acts like a prick because he is actually a prick. Are you sure you
want to date him?
