| Q: |
My daughter sees her father every other weekend, but wants to
keep photos of him all over the house. I would rather she did not.
| | A: |
Your daughter has come up with a way to keep her father present
in her everyday life. Maintaining a strong relationship with both of you
is known to assist children adjust to family separation, so while this
may be a difficult reminder of your ex for you, it’s going to help keep
this important relationship active for her. Find places she can keep
photographs and mementos of her other parent, especially in her room.
There may be other ways she can be in touch during the week: Phone
calls, texts, and instant messaging between her and her father may also
help her feel connected.
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| Q: |
I see my ex-partner when she picks up or drops off our son, and we sometimes argue on the doorstep. Is this bad?
| | A: |
When your child is being picked up or brought home by his other
parent, it may be the only time you see your ex-partner. However,
raising sensitive or hurtful topics at this point can mean your child
dreads these changeover times. Tension between parents can make your son
anxious and unhappy. He may think that the only way to stop the
arguments is to give up seeing his other parent, or that it’s his job to
step in and protect one of you. It is important that he’s not forced
into the role of the adult, trying to resolve or avoid your disputes. It
is up to you and your ex to find other ways to communicate. Writing,
emails, texts, and phone calls keep the heat of disagreements away from
your child. If things are not resolvable this way, mediation or a
solution through a legal process may be your best option.
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| Q: |
My son lives with me during the week. He’s having some difficulty
at school, but his mother seems to get left out of the loop.
| | A: |
If your child is living primarily with one of you, it can take
extra effort and organization for both of you to stay involved with his
schooling. Ensure the school office and your child’s teacher are aware
that information and school reports need to be sent to both of you. At
times of difficulty, increase communication between yourself and his
mother. Regular updates on issues or school meetings to be attended may
be tedious, but have to be scheduled. Face-to-face meetings work best to
resolve issues, since they give an opportunity to talk around the
problem, and suggest and refine solutions.
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| Q: |
My child is spoiled by his father. How should I approach this?
| | A: |
It must seem very unfair when your ex lavishes treats and gifts
on your child and even appears to be buying your child’s affection.
Before you approach your ex-partner about the issue, identify the key
points that bother you. Perhaps you consider your child will become
materialistic, pester you more for toys or sweets, or has an unhealthy
diet. Is it that you worry your child is being lured away from you by
all these goodies that you don’t allow? Consider also whether these
gifts are the way your ex-partner has learned to show his love, or if
they are an expression of his insecurities about the relationship with
his son.
Find a private moment
to explain your concerns to your ex-partner. Stick to the issues for
you, such as, “I find when he comes back from being with you, he expects
me to buy him as many toys as you do. I can’t afford to do this, and it
puts me in a bad position.” Rather than accusations like, “You make
life difficult for me because I can’t buy as much for him as you can.”
Accept that, while you can suggest moderation in what is bought for your
son, you cannot force this to happen. Be reassured that, while treats
are enjoyable at the time, it is your child’s loving relationship with
each of you that counts—not the material goods he can acquire.
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| Q: |
I feel bad that I don’t like my stepchild. Should I?
| | A: |
You won’t automatically love your stepchild. You haven’t had the
help of a rush of bonding at birth or time with her in the early years
to build an attachment, so it will take time for that affection to grow.
Remember that your stepchild had little choice in your joining the
family, whereas you have actively made this commitment—so it’s up to you
to make the effort to build this relationship. Start by treating her
with respect, show an interest in what she’s doing, and give yourself a
chance to get to know her. See her point of view if she’s not as warm to
you at first as you would like. Perhaps she wonders if she’s now second
place to you and your children, or is waiting to see if the stories
about evil stepmothers are really true. As you show yourself to be warm
and caring, you may find, over time, she warms up to you too.
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| Q: |
My new partner is Jewish and my children are not. How can I stop this from causing friction?
| | A: |
Bringing together people of different cultural or religious
backgrounds can be one of the most enriching aspects of your new family
life, but it requires reflection and compromise to be successful.
Learning about and celebrating different traditions and festivals should
create a greater understanding of each other’s background and values.
However, there may be limitations that must be accepted as a result of
these differences. Your partner’s religious practice may mean that
certain foods are forbidden, such as ham or shellfish, and can’t be
present in the home, and there will be different religious rituals and
days of rest. Take such differences as an opportunity for the whole
family to discuss the deeply held beliefs behind these practices. Be
clear about what applies to everyone, and where there can be compromise.
For example, it may be possible to agree that no one will eat or keep
pork in the home, but when they’re at a friend’s house or at school,
your children can still have these foods.
Make a family decision
that each member of the household will respect the religious ceremonies
of the others. This means learning about each others’ observances and
taking part if appropriate. For example, your family may decide to eat
together to celebrate the start of Shabbat on Fridays, but that only
your partner will have a day of rest on Saturday. Be clear, however,
that it’s not necessary to change anyone’s beliefs to enjoy mutual
respect and support.
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| Q: |
My daughter is making life miserable for my new husband. How can I help them get along?
| | A: |
The key to solving this difficulty is discovering the fear,
anger, or concern that underlies your daughter’s behavior. There could
be plenty of reasons she’s acting out. She may be jealous about having
to share your love and attention, or fear that she is being pushed out
and is less important to you. She may worry that this marriage will end,
and is creating barriers between herself and your partner so she won’t
be hurt by his departure. Alternatively, she may see refusing to bond
with her stepfather as an act of loyalty to her father. You must also
consider whether her angry or avoidant behavior toward your partner is a
sign that he is harming her in some way. When you take a compassionate
approach to this misbehavior and explore her feelings about your
marriage and her place in your heart, you are likely to uncover what’s
bothering her. Simply dealing with this as a discipline problem can
confirm her fears that you’re “on his side” rather than hers. Once
you’ve brought out what bothers her, make a plan to deal with the
problem. Perhaps she does need more one-on-one time with you to show her
you care. Discuss how she would like to be respected in the home, and
how she can show respect herself. She may benefit from having her own
private diary to express her anger or fears without having to act them
out. If she does disclose that she is being hurt, act immediately to
protect her and contact social services for support.
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| Q: |
My new partner is furious that, as he sees it, I favor my own children over his. What can I do?
| | A: |
You may be having a protective reaction to your own children as
you help them adjust to stepfamily life and, without realizing it, you
may tend to take their side. If possible, allow the children to resolve
their own everyday disputes. They probably do have the negotiation
skills to work out who will use the bathroom first, take a turn on the
computer, or choose a TV show to watch.
If they continue to
argue, take care to hear each side of the story before you act, rather
than jumping to a conclusion about who’s in the right. If this doesn’t
resolve the problem, take a more systematic approach: Agree some clear
rules and consequences about acceptable behavior, sharing, and respect
for each others’ property, that will apply to everyone. When you apply
these to all the children in the family, there is much less likelihood
of favoritism.
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| Q: |
We are having problems with privacy. Please help!
| | A: |
Privacy, or lack of it, can be an issue in any home, but
especially so when new family members, with different expectations, move
in together. Often the simplest solutions are the best. Do place locks
on the bathroom doors and create places in your home where each member
can be on their own to relax, study, or just think undisturbed.
Introduce “do not disturb” signs on bedroom doors, and have a
knock-before-entering policy. Consider how you manage nudity in your
home. If you have slept naked in the past or been comfortable walking
around nude or semi-naked, this may need to be reviewed. It’s often the
case that your child, as she approaches puberty, will not find your
nudity as acceptable as she did when she was younger, and will be more
modest about her own body, so this is an ideal time to reflect on how
much you cover up or not.
It can be difficult
letting go of habits that have been natural to you for many years, but
respecting the views of others on privacy and nudity will spare
embarrassment and smooth family life.
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| Q: |
How can I help my new family merge successfully?
| | A: |
Creating a blended family is a delicate business: Its basis needs
to be the total commitment of the adults involved in establishing and
making a success of things, no matter what comes. Your relationship with
your partner is the foundation for this family, and while the two of
you may see this as the natural progression of your love, your children
might be somewhat less certain about what this means for them. Be
realistic about what you expect: It is unusual for stepfamilies to
immediately bond, live in harmony, and never disagree. However, as
relationships grow, stepfamilies do form a secure, rewarding base for
raising children.
Being in a
stepfamily brings change. You may want a new start in a new area, but to
your stepchildren, moving to a new house, changing schools, and losing
contact with friends are major concerns. Keep resentment to a minimum by
keeping change to a minimum. Make decisions as a family whenever you
can. Cooperation is easier to achieve if your children have had their
say and influenced family decisions. Regular family meetings are an
ideal place for opinions to be put forward.
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| Q: |
What problems can I expect with my new family?
| | A: |
You may need to develop a thick skin. Children can say hurtful
things to parents, but much of the time, the parents’ memories of loving
moments put these in perspective. You don’t have this store of past
experiences with your stepchildren and may find negative comments more
difficult to shrug off. So next time you hear, “I hate you,” or “You
can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my mom,” don’t take it personally.
See them for what they are: A burst of anger at all life’s unfairness,
directed at the easiest target.
When it seems like a
battle between you and your stepchild for your partner’s attention,
it’s time to reevaluate how love is expressed and time is shared.
Children can fear that there won’t be enough love to go around once they
have to share their parent with you. Bring this issue into the open,
and talk over what each person needs in order to be reassured of their
importance. Otherwise, insecurities can fester if they’re left unspoken.
In your new family your relationship is very important. It’s the reason
this stepfamily has come together, and it offers stability as well as
setting the tone for everyone. Keep your relationship on track by
finding time for each other everyday, and talk to one another about more
than practical issues or how the children are doing.
When times are
difficult, remember this may simply be because you’re in a family, and
family members don’t always get along. Not all the issues are about
being a stepfamily.
|
| Q: |
How can my new partner and I parent together effectively?
| | A: |
Your child will be sensitive to any perceived favoritism or to
discipline that varies from how things were in her original family. It
can seem easier to continue parenting your own child in the old way and
put the stepparent in a backup role. This rarely works, as it can cause
the stepparent to feel sidelined and without authority in the home. Each
of you will have your own parenting style, but it is essential that you
parent with the same standards for all the children in the family.
Rules and expectations need to be discussed with children and adults.
And remember, parenting works best when it comes from both of you.
Ask yourselves these questions in preparation for parenting together:
How will we show our children how special they are and reward them for their achievements? How will we make sure the children get the same response from both of us when they have a request? What behaviors will be acceptable? How will we discipline our children if they misbehave? What sort of help around the house do we expect? Will there be any areas of parenting in which there is no room for negotiation, such as not using physical discipline?
If you can, have a
similar discussion with your child’s other natural parent. At the very
least keep your ex informed about what approach you are taking. This
will help crossover between homes and reduce confusion for children
about what applies where. If you and your new partner can’t agree on the
details, attend a parenting course together. Whether you go to a
standard course or one specifically designed for stepfamilies, you will
find many issues are clarified.
|
Changing places Avoiding frustrations
My husband and I
separated when our son was only five, and we agreed he would stay with
me for half the week, and his father, the other half. This worked well
until he started middle school. Then, as his schoolwork and social life
became more complex, frustrations kicked in. He’d leave homework or
school gear at one home that he needed at the other, or he’d get
frustrated if he started something on our computer then had to set up
again on another. Frictions built up, and we finally made the tough
decision to take a fresh look at the arrangements. We’re now having a
trial of him spending his whole school week with us but more of his
weekends and holidays with his father to balance things out.
So far, he tells me it’s
easier to manage this way, and there are definitely fewer round trips to
his other home to collect something essential that he’s forgotten.
What’s in a name? You’re not my real father!
Before Luke and I
moved in together, we talked about what the kids would call him. I
thought it would incite a riot if we suggested my new partner be called
“Daddy Luke,” even though I wanted him to be seen as a father figure. My
son, who isn’t too pleased about the whole setup, wanted to call him
nothing at all, and my daughter was comfortable going with just “Luke.”
After a bit of family
debate we’ve gone for Luke as the simplest option, and my ex-partner is
pleased that he’s still the only one called Dad. Luke’s children, who
stay on weekends, were asked what they want to call me and came up with
Auntie Lisa, which I don’t like much but I’m going along with to please
them. In the end it’s all about compromise and making sure no one is
forced to use a name they want to keep for their real mom or dad.
Telling her friends What to say
Separating from your partner is essentially a private matter but, in the end, other people will need to know.
For your child, telling her friends can be a daunting task. She may not
know what to say to them, worry they’ll pity or taunt her, or think
this makes her family look like a failure. Like many children, she may
hope that you’ll get back together and be reluctant to tell others
because it makes the separation seem real and permanent. Coach her in
what she could say, such as, “I want you to know my mom and dad are
separating. I will still come to this school and be around like always. I
feel pretty sad about it, so that’s all I want to say right now.” She
may want to tell a few best friends first or go around during one lunch
break to tell all her friends at once. This way they have nothing to
gossip about; everyone is in the know.
Myths and misconceptions Is it true that…
| Q: |
All stepmothers are evil?
| | A: |
Happily, this is untrue, but stepmothers do have a major stereotype problem, created by children’s fairy tales and movies.
Help overturn the myth by showing your willingness to get to know and
become known by your stepchild. Do avoid the trap of trying too hard to
be a friend, since this can seem false and add to their suspicions about
your “evil” motives.
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| Q: |
It’s better to stay together for the sake of the children?
| | A: |
This
is not necessarily true. If your adult relationship is characterized by
conflict and resentment, your child will probably feel a sense of
relief when you separate, since it reduces her exposure to tension or
frequent arguments. Maintaining a
positive relationship with both of you and your ability to cooperate
concerning her upbringing predicts better adjustment to your separation
for your child.
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| Q: |
Having a new baby in the stepfamily brings everyone together?
| | A: |
Many parents in
a blended family decide to have another child. Having a new baby can
certainly bring love into the family; unfortunately jealousy and
resentment may also result. If you make this
choice, it’s essential to keep your child involved throughout the
pregnancy. Reassure her that she’s as special to you as ever, and act on
these sentiments by setting aside one-on-one time with her every day.
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When parents separate or divorce Handling a difficult decision
Making the decision to
separate is never done lightly, and trying to get it right for your
child, while coping with change yourself, can be the biggest challenge.
There is no doubt that even the most amicable separation will be
stressful for you and your child.
Soften the impact
Explain
Once you and your
partner have made a definite decision to separate, tell your child. Give
a clear explanation that focuses on yourselves and reassure her that
she is loved by both of you. You might begin by saying “Your mom and I
don’t love each other anymore and we have decided to live apart. We both
love you very much and always will.”
No fault
Your child will wonder if
she did anything to cause the separation, particularly if she’s been in
the throes of mood swings or preteen temper tantrums or arguments with
one or both of you. Don’t wait until she raises the issue—reassure her
that this is a decision based on your adult relationship, and be clear
that she has done nothing to contribute.
Keep in touch
Your child’s most
pressing questions will probably be self-centered: Will she still see
her friends, be able to go to the dance, etc. Make arrangements right
away so that she sees both of you no matter what stage of the breakup
you are in. Your child’s long-term living arrangements can be difficult
to decide on—her needs and views, practical issues, and your own wishes
have to be carefully weighed. Often the help of someone neutral, who’s
not involved with the breakup, is essential to make these decisions
without putting pressure on your child to favor one or other of you. A
mediator, parenting coordinator, or counselor could fit this role.
Minimize change
You may be anxious for a
fresh start, but hold back: Your child needs things to stay the same as
much as possible. It will help her cope with changes in the family
situation if the rest of her life is relatively undisturbed. If
possible, remain in the same house or local area, since the familiarity
of a place can be comforting. When she can stay at the same school, see
her friends, and keep up with her hobbies and clubs she’ll find other
adjustments easier to handle.
Argument-free zone
If the separation is not
amicable, you may need to work hard to keep arguments away from your
child. She can be very sensitive to, and distressed by, conflicts in
your adult relationship, so take extra care to stay calm and avoid
criticizing each other in front of her. When you talk on the phone it
can be easy to overhear, so watch what you say even then.
Keep it even
You and your partner
may no longer care for each other, but your child still loves and
admires each of you. She will want to be loyal to you both, so try to
minimize times when she has to choose between you. For example, if she
has an event at school, assume that you’ll both attend rather than
asking her to pick one of you. For birthdays and holidays, half a day
with each parent or alternating years between the two of you may work.
Make communication between yourself and your ex-partner direct to ensure
your child doesn’t become a go-between. Ideally, she will be able to
maintain respect for both of you and not feel she must take sides.
Get help
Even when separation is
mutual, you can feel hurt, exhausted, and lonely. Just when you feel
least able to give support to others, your child will need extra love
and attention. Draw on the help of the wider family and friends to give
you a little added care. The more support you have, the more available
you can be to your child.
Who to tell
It is essential that
people involved with your child, such as her doctor and school, know all
the new contact numbers and details for each of you for emergency
purposes. You may also want to alert your child’s school to the upheaval
in her life so faculty can be supportive if it affects her behavior or
studies. Let her know you are doing this, and ask that the information
be treated sensitively.
Not in front of the kids
Try hard not to allow your child to overhear heated arguments between you and your partner; these conflicts will distress her.
Not your fault
If you decide to
separate from your partner, explain this to your child and reassure him
that it was not because of anything he did.
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