| Q: |
I’ve banned guns in my home, but my son “shoots” people with a stick. What should I do?
| | A: |
The war toys on sale are so frighteningly realistic, it is
understandable that parents try to protect their children from them.
However, banning things tends to make them more attractive, and whatever
you do, boys seem to want to play with guns.
Perhaps you could
compromise and allow the use of obviously unrealistic weapons such as
water pistols and light sabres while encouraging his imagination in
fashioning guns out of whatever comes to hand. At the same time you can
teach him kindness and tolerance and the message that real guns hurt
people. On the whole, children are quite able to tell the difference
between pretend and real life. They are more likely to learn aggression
from the behavior of the people around them so, through your own
actions, you can show him how to resolve differences and deal with
disputes in a peaceful way.
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| Q: |
My daughter has an imaginary friend. Should I be worried?
| | A: |
Imaginary friends are very common in children from about two and a
half onward, and they can become quite established for several years.
The presence of an imaginary friend on its own does not signal
loneliness or anxiety. Many happy healthy adults remember their own
imaginary friends.
Imaginary friends
can act as many things; they are often blamed for misdemeanors, used to
express difficult emotions, hold the moral high ground, or are just a
good playmate. They can take the form of people or animals, have names
and intriguing characteristics and, sometimes, children have more than
one. Again none of these things represent anything sinister in
themselves. In fact, if there are other signs of worry in your child,
the role and characteristics of “the friend” may be a useful insight
into the problem. As with all play, imagination is to be encouraged and,
as a parent, you are best taking your lead from your child. If
requested to do so, lay a place at the table or hold the car door open
for the friend, but don’t try and take over or outsmart your child by
using their friend against them. Accept and welcome them into the home
and family and in time they will disappear quite naturally.
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| Q: |
My son never wants to stop playing. How can I stop our playtimes from ending in tears?
| | A: |
If your child knows that playtime with you happens every day, it
will be easier for him to stop. Make time in your day to play and relax
and enjoy the time together. Create an expectation of something he can
look forward to after playtime. Give him a warning a few minutes before
playtime is up and then stick to your plan and walk away. If you give in
to his pleas and extend the time, he will learn that there is always a
chance for more and you will get more tears and whining. Let him know
that you like playing with him and are looking forward to the next time.
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| Q: |
I bought my son a doll, but he calls it Super Baby and throws it around. Will boys always be boys?
| | A: |
At around the age of three, children’s gender identities start to
set, and boys are more likely to be found playing with traditionally
boys’ toys and girls with girls’ toys. Even before this age, although
they may play with a wider range of toys, they may still express their
gender in the way they play with them, such as your son throwing the
doll as opposed to feeding it. We do see that children are influenced by
their playmates’ choice of games and toys, as well as by older
siblings’ games and by the behavior of the adult males and females in
their lives. Consequently modern boys may well copy their fathers doing
housework or caring for babies, they may play “house” with female
playmates, or copy older sisters’ quieter and gentler games.
Nonetheless, we are often
surprised to find that gender stereotypes are pretty resistant to
change. Psychologists have argued about the nature–nurture debate since
the 1900s, but now think that nature has a strong role in defining
gender roles, even while recognizing how pervasive and subtle nurture
can be in setting up expectations based on gender stereotypes. Even
before birth, there is a tendency to think about baby boys and baby
girls differently because our society and culture conditions us to.
Providing a little boy
with a doll and a little girl with a car may not lead to them playing
with them, but you can still teach emotional literacy and, crucially,
you can show that you value equally the strengths of both genders.
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| Q: |
My toddler draws on the walls. What should I do?
| | A: |
First decide whether this is creativity gone too far or a
deliberate act of defiance, because your response will be somewhat
different. If he is really proud of his artwork and shows no signs of
knowing it is wrong, then don’t come down on him like a ton of bricks.
You might admire his lovely picture but be sad that it’s in the wrong
place and will have to be cleaned off.
Take the time to show
him the right place to draw and make this as accessible as possible.
Pieces of paper move when you draw on them and walls don’t, which may be
why your child is using them. It might help to have a black or white
board or to tape large sheets of paper to a table or the floor. In order
to ensure that he learns this lesson, supervise him closely and praise
his ability to keep on the paper as well as his artistic prowess. When
you can’t be around to supervise, keep art materials out of reach.
Finally, exhibit his work in a prominent place for all to see and
admire. It might be worthwhile to get him to help you clean the wall,
not as a punishment but rather to further reinforce the lesson.
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| Q: |
The last time I arranged a play date for my child it was a disaster. Maybe she is too young?
| | A: |
It is true that she is only just learning to share her toys and
her mommy or daddy, and to play nicely with someone her own age, so play
dates can be quite a challenge. However if you do a little preparation
and stick to some simple guidelines, you both may have a better
experience next time. Keep it short, an hour and a half maximum. Time it
when your daughter is at her best—well rested and fed. Decide with your
daughter which toys can be shared and put those that cannot away for
the occasion. Supervise the toddlers constantly to keep them happy and
safe. Playing alongside each other is normal at this age, so don’t try
and force them to play together. Be prepared to take charge and play
with them if they are struggling to play alone. Have a plan for dealing
with trouble and agree on it with the other child’s parent. Try to
synchronize nap times with the other child’s parent to optimize the
chances of two fresh toddlers. Don’t try it too often: Once a week is
plenty at this stage.
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| Q: |
How do I know which toys are good for toddlers?
| | A: |
The best guide to choosing toys for toddlers is to match them to
the different kinds of play that dominate this age. So for physical play
and development: Toys and equipment to develop their skills such as
climbing frames, trikes, sit-on cars, and fire engines are all perfect.
For pretend play and social development, try dolls that can be fed and
changed; a dressing-up box full of hats and costumes for familiar roles;
characters and puppets from stories and movies; cars, trucks, and
airplanes; and toy equipment to enhance fantasy play, such as a
telephone, a cash register, or a tool box. Use arts and craft materials
for creative play. Toys to avoid might be those that limit imagination
and interaction, such as battery-operated toys that you just watch or
dolls that talk, as well as toys that are not appropriate for the age
and ability intended.
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| Q: |
How can I get my daughter to play on her own?
| | A: |
It can be hard to get the balance right between being available
to play with your child and encouraging her to play independently. If
you always give in to her demands at the expense of your own needs, you
may be setting yourself up for many battles ahead.
It is an
important lesson for her to learn that Mommy has to do her own work
sometimes and is not always available to play. If she has not shown any
inclination to play alone, you may have to start small and build up
slowly. Sitting at a table together but each with different “work” to do
for a few minutes might be a good start. She can draw or paint while
you do your paperwork. You could cook, read, or garden in this parallel
arrangement. You will need to frequently observe and reflect on what she
is doing and marvel at the fact that she is doing it on her own. She’ll
learn that this is something you approve of so will want to do it more
frequently in order to gain your praise. It will be a slow process,
since toddlers are not naturally solitary, but you are right to
establish this first small step toward independent activity.
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Laughing together Enjoying silly games
There is nothing I love more
than the sound of my daughter’s belly laugh. She and I can be having a
really bad day and then I manage to get her to laugh and both our
spirits lift. She finds it really funny when grown-ups make mistakes. We
have this silly game in the mornings when I pretend to forget which
piece of clothing goes where and I put her tights on her arms and her
underwear on her head—she chuckles delightedly and puts me right. The
other thing we do is hunt for parts of her body, or even funnier, her
dad’s body, but in the wrong place. I’ll just say, “Where’s Daddy’s
tummy?” while looking behind his ear, and she starts to giggle. Dad can
make her roar with laughter by leaping up in mock surprise to find his
nose on his knee!
How to play: letting your child take the lead
Lots of
adults have forgotten the pleasures of play or are so caught up in the
desire to teach their youngster something that they end up directing and
commanding their child in how to play properly.
Unfortunately this often takes the joy out of the game. It’s sometimes
tempting to finish a puzzle or correct it at the end, but this could rob
your child of any sense of completion and achievement. You might check
if your child thinks it is finished and if she does, congratulate her on
her effort and leave it at that.
Playing is a shared
activity, and parents will have more success in encouraging play if they
let their child take the lead. If you join her in a game and let her
tell you what to do, your involvement is assured. Don’t try and take
over by imposing your own ideas and rules. If you’re building a house,
there’s no need for it to look real, and there’s no reason why the bath
shouldn’t be in the dining room. Try not to rush games and pay special
attention to your child’s creative ideas.
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