| Q: |
Where was the rush of love?
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It is a common misconception that bonding always happens with an
outpouring of emotion and joy as soon as your baby arrives. While many
parents do have strong feelings for their baby at birth, it’s just as
normal for this to be a gradual process. If the attachment between you
wasn’t immediate, you may feel disappointed and even cheated—especially
if circumstances such as exhaustion from a difficult labor or emergency
treatment got in the way of your first moments. Like many parents you
may find that your bond grows as you spend time with your baby, gain
confidence as a parent, and get to know your newborn.
However, if you feel
like you’re going through the motions and not getting closer to your
baby, try some ideas that are known to build closeness between parent
and child. Skin-to-skin contact, baby massage, and quality time looking,
talking, and touching your child can all help build up your
relationship. Feelings of depression can also make you question your
bond. If this is the case, seek help from a health professional, your
family and friends, or a therapist as soon as possible.
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| Q: |
My son was premature and is in an incubator. Will I miss out on the most important bonding time?
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You haven’t missed the boat to bond with your son—throughout his
first year he’ll be particularly tuned in and ready for the attachment
to grow between you. Don’t wait though; even while he’s in the hospital
neonatal unit there is plenty you can do to get close. Your touch will
matter to him even if you can’t hold him. Stroke, pat, or simply place
your hand against his skin as much as you’re allowed. Keep talking and
singing; the sound of your voice will soothe and reassure him. You may
have less time with your baby than you would like, so leave a recording
of your voice so he can hear you even when you’re not around. Do get
involved in his routine—feeding him and changing diapers are part of his
daily care, and helping out will prepare you for taking him home.
If you are
daunted by the busy medical environment or the equipment being used, ask
the nurses to explain it all to you. They can also advise you on how to
touch and care for your newborn without disturbing any tubes or devices
being used.
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| Q: |
I’ve heard of something called “kangaroo care” for babies. What is it and how does it help?
| | A: |
Skin-to-skin contact between mother and newborn, also known as
“kangaroo care,” means placing your baby on your chest or tummy, with
skin touching, just after her birth or within 24 hours. It works best
when you are feeling relaxed and hold your newborn lightly but
confidently as she lies against you. Cover her back with a blanket to
keep her warm. The timing of this care in the first few hours makes a
positive difference to your relationship with your baby. You’ll find it
easier to bond, she will cry less, and it is known to make breastfeeding
easier. There is no time limit for skin-to-skin contact; you and your
partner can continue in the weeks to come as one of the many ways the
three of you can become close.
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| Q: |
My baby arches away from me and is much less affectionate than I expected. Is something wrong?
| | A: |
Most babies love physical affection, but they can have
preferences as to how they are held and touched. Try different
positions—when he’s alert and wants to look around, use a front baby
sling so you can hold him close while he faces away from you to watch
the world go by. Check your timing too; if he’s awake and ready to play,
a close cuddle with you won’t be his first choice, so give him some
time under his baby gym or playing with toys, then try again when his
need to be busy has been satisfied.
It’s also possible
that he is reacting to a lack of confidence in the way you hold him.
He’ll feel safe and secure when you support his head and body well with
your hands, lift him slowly without quick or jerky movements, and hold
him against your body for a cuddle. If he’s resisting your touch in
general, try to build up his tolerance by starting small, holding his
hands or feet, for instance. Once he’s used to that, increase the
contact to other parts of his body. This is worth addressing now, as his
ability to give and receive affection throughout life can be shaped by
these early experiences.
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| Q: |
Will giving my baby a pacifier make it easier to comfort him when I leave him to go back to work?
| | A: |
Not all babies need or want a pacifier, whether you are returning
to work or not. Some infants become very attached to a pacifier,
depending on it to fall asleep or calm themselves when they’re upset.
Others will prefer to suck their thumb, hold a favorite blanket, chew on
a soft toy, or stroke or pull at their own hair as a way to
self-soothe. Before you offer the pacifier, check to see if your baby
has other ways to comfort himself. If you do offer your baby a pacifier,
bear in mind that speech and language therapists recommend you get rid
of it when he’s between eight and twelve months old. It’s possible that
continued use past the age of one can have a negative effect on speech
development by restricting and changing the pattern of tongue movements
and altering teeth positioning. Pacifiers are not recommended if you are
breastfeeding, since they can cause confusion when your baby is
learning to suck and reduce the time he wants to nurse.
In deciding whether or
not to give your baby a pacifier, you may also want to take into
consideration a small but carefully conducted study from 2005 that found
that using a pacifier at night reduced infants’ risk of sudden infant
death syndrome (SIDS). While pacifier use did not automatically
guarantee less risk, it was found to be strongly associated with a
reduced chance of SIDS.
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| Q: |
I come home tired from work every day. How can I have more energy for my partner and son?
| | A: |
Moving your focus from the work to the home environment can be
hard, especially when there’s a new baby to take into consideration. On
the commute home, try to put work thoughts aside and begin to imagine
your partner and your baby and what they’ve been doing while you were
away. This means you are tuning into them in advance. Do expect to be
pounced upon as you arrive home with tales of the day from your partner
and an urgent need for hugs and cuddles from your baby. Remember staying
home alone with a baby all day is equally, if not more, exhausting than
a day at work.
The more quickly you
give your attention, the more successful will be your homecoming. Young
babies cannot wait while you go get a drink of water or relax; their
need is immediate. Give yourself over and you may find your tiredness
makes way for pleasure as you enjoy the new relationship. Make sure you
choose low-key, quiet activities with him to promote the calm that is
needed before bedtime. Avoid rough-and-tumble and tickling games, since
they may cause your baby to become over-excited, and he’ll find it more
difficult to sleep. You won’t be too popular with your partner, either,
if your baby’s well-planned bedtime routine is spoiled.
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| Q: |
Is a forward- or backward-facing stroller preferable?
| | A: |
It is common for babies to spend between 30 minutes and two hours
every day in their strollers. For most children, that time is spent
facing away from their caregivers. While this gives a baby a great view
of his surroundings, it does limit your ability to interact with him,
comment on what he is seeing, and monitor his face and body language to
see if he is tired, entertained, or overstimulated. New research
emerging directly links backward-facing strollers with improved
communication skills. Speech and language experts recommend them, since
they allow you and your child to make eye contact and speak and listen
to each other while you’re on the move.
It’s up to you to
decide on which stroller is best. Whether your baby is forward or
backward facing, it’s your conversation with him as you travel that
makes each journey a learning and bonding experience for you both.
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Mirroring your child’s emotions
In her first year your infant will experience her feelings mainly as physical reactions in her body.
You’ll probably notice that when she is angry she’ll look red and hot,
with her face screwed up, and her hands balled closed, and she’ll be
waving both her arms and legs at you in frantic gestures. Your baby can
easily be overwhelmed by all the physical sensations that swoop through
her body when she has strong emotions such as frustration, love,
dislike, and fear. It’s up to you to show her that you accept her
feelings, that they don’t scare or overwhelm you, and that she doesn’t
need to feel afraid of them. You may be doing this instinctively when
you mirror her emotions.
According to
attachment experts, mirroring involves reflecting your child’s emotions,
but in a milder, less intense version. As you look at her you may also
slightly tilt your head to the side, which denotes understanding.
Holding her while a feeling grips her can reassure her that she is safe.
Help her put a name to her feelings by talking about what is going on.
For example, when you say “You look angry” or “Is that a sad face?” you
are helping her to label her emotions. You can mirror your child’s
emotions from birth and your steady reaction will give her confidence
that feelings need not overpower her.
Too many visitors Feeling overwhelmed
After my baby was born I
felt like an exhibit at the zoo, with well-meaning family and friends
visiting in droves. My husband and I had hardly any time alone with our
baby to get to know each other and start our new lives as a family of
three. In the end we drew the line and gently but firmly asked people to
visit during one hour a day while we got our routine figured out. Our
parents were a bit disappointed but respected what we’d asked, and now,
when they do come over, we’re glad to have them because we get time on
our own as well.
NOTE
Your newborn is ready for the most important relationship of her life, the one she shares with you
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