Why do our minds wander in the bedroom? And
should we worry about it? We ask the experts to share some thoughts.
Lady Alice Hillingdon obviously made a
career of sexual distraction. “I am happy now that George calls on my
bedchamber less frequently than of old,” she wrote in her diary in about 1912.
“As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside
my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs, and think of
England.”
I
lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs, and think of England
The thing is, times have changed and we’re
not living in repressed Victorian England. Most of us don’t want to think of
England. Or work. Or whether we’ve fed the dog. But is sometimes happens that
we’re in the throes of what should be a passionate encounter and we find
mundane thoughts intruding. “Do I look fat in this light? I wonder what’s on TV
tonight?”
Apparently, this is perfectly normal and
not a sign that you’re bored or he’s not The One. It’s also not confined to old
marred couples, either- even people in new partnerships are susceptible.
According to a recent study entitled
“Non-Erotic Thoughts and Sexual Functioning”, published in Archives of Sexual
Behavior, respondents reported an average of more than four thoughts that
weren’t related to the moment in hand. Women reported more of these random
thoughts than men, said they cropped up more frequently, and caused them more
anxiety than make respondents.
Thoughts
that weren’t related to the moment in hand.
All of which gives one pause for thought.
Why do we have these non-erotic, positively dull thoughts during sex? Should
they cause us anxiety? And what can we do about managing them?
Why does my mind wander?
In some respects, we thrive on distraction
in today’s world. We’re in the habit of leaping from conversation to SMS to
newspaper to Twitter, all the while imagining we’re focused on the present. In
fact, most of us live in a state of perpetual distraction, so it’s not that
surprising that is seeps into our most intimate moments.
Lerato Maoba, a psychologist from Bethlehem
in the Free State, says the problem is intensified for women because often we carry
most responsibilities in relationships. “We see to our partners, the kids and
household chores - we’re often exhausted and end up having sex just to satisfy
the men in our lives,” she says.
Because sex often occurs between TC
programmes, washing dishes or late at night when you’re tired, it tends to be
rushed and may seem like another chore on a long to-do-list. Needless to say,
this isn’t conducive to romance.
Jogurg-based sex counselor Linda Venter
agrees: “When we’re tired or over-whelmed by the demands life makes on us, our
brain tries to keep up with difficult to focus on what is right in front of
us.”
Getting fresh
Another issue is that sex becomes part of a
routine. If sex is predictable, we’ll go through the motions, leaving our minds
free to disengage. “The brain is happy when we do new or unexpected things,”
says Venter. “If we keep doing the same thing, no matter how kinky, the brain
will get bored – so we have to be creative. Even changing a small aspect helps
– like the room in which we usually have sex.”
“The
brain is happy when we do new or unexpected things”
This may seem like one heck of a challenge.
After all, who has time (or money) to location-scout for new venues and but
sexy underwear every week? Yet one doesn’t have to go to those lengths.
“We need to reinvent foreplay,” says
Makoba. “Remember, the act of sex begins before you’re physically together.
Part of foreplay is clearing your mind, relaxing, looking forward to time with
your partner. It’s important that you’re open and honest about your sexual
needs and you learn what turns you on.
“Use foreplay strategically to remind your
partner how to please you, and insist that pleasure should be mutual.”
