Fix Your Discipline Fallbacks

Yelling and bad habits may help mothers to overpower their kids but in the long term, these factors will affect negatively to children.

Suzanne Potts is a mother who often screams. She said “When I asked my sons something 15 times but they didn’t do it, I would yell at them. After that, they show that they knew their mistakes and followed what I wanted, but I still felt uncomfortable. Honestly, I felt guilty when I screamed at them and I used to wish that I was not that type of parents.”

Yelling at children is just the temporary solution.

By yelling, you can force children to do what you like because they are afraid of the punishment you may give them, but it’s just the temporary solution. There are many people among us telling themselves that this is the last time will use this method of discipline, but then we will repeat it because it is very effective with stubborn children. However, these techniques are often the surface. Nowadays, parents need sophisticated approaches to help children recognize moral standards and control their emotion, so they can make decision themselves to maintain good behaviors and eliminate bad ones in different cases without parental intervention.

There are tips for parents who haven’t found a perfect strategy below from experts: Jennifer Kolari, the author of Connected ParentingL how to raise great kids; Kathy Lynn, the speaker for parental conferences; Karyn Gordon, the author of Dr.Karyn’s Guider to the teen years.

If you often scream

“Screaming is the tool to attract the attention of children, but it will not help you in parenting” – Lynn said. If your child realizes that you often communicate through screaming, they will imitate and shout in daily communication. Furthermore, according to Kolari, “If you abuse the screaming too much, you will no longer scare your children and make them listen to you again. On the other hand, they make you become a joke”.

If you often scream

Solution

Instead of screaming your children from a distance, you can call them, attract their attention and talk with them face to face. When deterring something, try to keep the volume at a moderate level and give your condition, for example “I think you should play indoor silently, if not, you may play outdoor”. If then your child break the rule, emphasize to them that they have been allowed to choose their option, so you should keep the promise that they select. This approach is more effective rather than you have to scream “Shut up” every 15 minutes.

If you often threaten nonsense

You deter, require or warn strictly your children not to jump on the sofa while they are lying to watch TV. If they don’t listen, you will give them penalties “Well, you will not be allowed to watch TV in one month” and you believe that the threat will work well because you know that your children will be better in order to let you reduce the penalty time. Over time, children will be too familiar with these kinds of punishment. As Gordon, “If the punishment and threat is not done seriously, kids will lose their belief on their parents easily. It’s really dangerous because belief is the base of all relationships”.

Solution

Instead of threatening and offering virtual punishment for children, let them know your thoughts. Emphasize to them that they made mistakes and tell them that you will not punish them right now because you are so angry, for instance “I will think about it, meanwhile, think about your last act and then, we will talk with each other”. After that, you will have plenty of time to think about the reasonable solution for your children’s mistakes.

If you often isolate your children

Some parents have a carpet, a chair or a corner in the house called “isolated place for bad children”, where you force them to sit, criticize themselves and find a solution not to make the mistake again. However, in children’s mind, this method is like “You are imprisoned due to what you made”. Moreover, the isolated method makes the relationship between you and your children become separated, especially when your children feel that you are punishing them more than asking them to find a certain lesson.

If you often isolate your children

Solution

Use another descriptive word such as “review place” instead of negative words before. You don’t need to teach them much. You just need to tell them “Whenever you make mistakes, come to this corner and think about what you have to do”, which makes them feel that they are not forced to do it. Also, you don’t need to force them to review in another room because you can let them sit next to them if you can.

If you prefer canning

You have a habit of spanking on the buttocks of your children with the thought that they will be afraid and not dare to repeat the mistake. This method makes your kids listen to your words immediately but it is opposed by expert, because canning brings a conflicting message, for example “You are not allowed to hit your younger brother. If not, I will hit you”. However, it is still the common method of parents due to they don’t know which approach is better.

Solution

Instead of physical impact on children, focus on the fundamental rules. First, explain the mistake of your children for them, after that explain logically about the consequence of that mistake and the solution to fix it. Show them the importance of mistake correction, for instance “If you don’t correct it, you are not allowed to hang out today”. You can take part in a course on child psychologist to consider serious parenting strategy, search information through child experts and Google. In addition, there are websites which may give your advice.

If you use the “cold war” method

You continuously asked your children to stop fighting on the back seat but they didn’t listen to you. You shouted loudly “I can’t stand you”, and then you totally kept silent and didn’t tell them anything. Stopping talking with children may make them feel unsafe and uncomfortable. They want you to talk with them again, so they will be more obedient. This method seems to be effective and tender, but you shouldn’t make use of it as a habit. If you want to rest for a while and avoid screaming, the silent is right. However, if you are really angry and you want to keep silent to take revenge, you need to use another parenting approach.

Solution

You need to keep silent for a while and talk with your children again. Tell them directly that you need to be peaceful to calm your mind. If in silent time, you realize that you need to tell them something important, for instance tell them to buckle up, try using “book trick”. Hide a book in your bag, open the book and read “I will not drive if you do not wear the seatbelts. I have a book to read when the car is stopped, so when you are ready to buckle up, we both continue driving” – Lynn said.

If you are helpless with parenting

Sometimes you are stuck in trouble, for example your children are competing toys of each other. It will be an excellent time to teach them because they have to find their solution themselves. However, according to Kolari, “many parents feel helpless with conflicts of children. You yell at them but it doesn’t work, so you sit there and pretend that you don’t see anything. It is really dangerous because your children don’t know what they should do and who will guide them.

Solution

Every day you should use the scale from 1 to 10 to measure your patience with children (1 is the level you are extremely patient with them and 10 is the level you lose control). Control the scale at a stable level and spend more time talking to them to get closer with them.