Giving and Getting Respect Challenging behavior
| Q: |
My son has set up a diary on the computer and won’t let me read it. Should I insist he let me?
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Your son’s diary is a dialog with himself that allows him to
explore his experiences, hopes, and fears. Closing the screen is his way
of snapping his diary shut to stop you from looking. No one has a right
to access the private thoughts of another person, only to ask they be
shared. As your son’s diary is essentially his private world written
out, demanding to read it could be seen as going beyond your rights.
Instead, share your
worry that he may have things on his mind that you’d like to hear about
and help with. If you are convinced there is something major troubling
him, suggest that he tell you or someone else that he chooses. Sometimes
teens find it easier to talk with a school counselor, a grandparent, or
an older sibling rather than a parent. Reassure him that, no matter
what is happening, you will stand by him, and that help is available.
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| Q: |
My son wants to go and hang out at the park. What’s the best way to supervise him?
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While your teenager no longer “goes out to play” he probably
wants to get involved in the more grown-up version: Hanging out with
friends, often doing what appears to you to be absolutely nothing. It is
up to you to decide how risky this is.
If the park is nearby,
well lit and with no other problems in the area such as drinking or drug
use, then this may be an ideal place for him to safely meet up with his
buddies. However, if these risks are present, it is wise to talk them
through with your child, explaining that you have faith in him, but
don’t want him to be caught up in other people’s problems. Help work out
an alternative place he and his friends can go. Perhaps you can play a
part by offering to drop the group of them at a community center or
basketball court, or make your home an open house once a week.
If this all seems too
controlling to your son, then agree some basic rules for both of you to
follow so he doesn’t feel as though you are breathing down his neck.
Start by setting a curfew and some acceptable and unacceptable places
for him to hang out. Agree that you will monitor him at first by coming
to pick him up but won’t embarrass him, for example, by honking the car
horn. If he sticks to the rules, you can gradually loosen them, if not,
tighten them a little so you can rebuild trust. However, no matter how
much freedom he has, a basic minimum for keeping him safe is to know
where he is, who he is with, and when he’ll be home. This should be
non-negotiable.
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| Q: |
I was horrified to receive a call saying that my child was caught stealing. What can I do?
| | A: |
Your first reaction may be embarrassment or disbelief, and your
teenager could well feel the same. Often, stealing is done on impulse or
as an act of rebellion, and she may not have considered the possible
end result. Getting caught might be the best outcome for her, because it
debunks the myth that shoplifting is easy and has no consequences. Your
role may be a delicate balance of disapproval for the theft and support
as your child faces the outcome of her action. If she is questioned or
charged by the police, accompany her to all interviews and encourage her
to be honest. This can be a distressing experience if she has not had
contact with the police or legal system before. Ask plenty of questions
yourself about what will happen, what your child’s rights are, and how
best to prepare her.
If she’s not charged,
you may arrange with the store that she return the goods, makes an
apology, and do something to provide restitution. Examples might be
making a small donation to a charity of the store’s choosing, or doing
some volunteer work. These positive acts can rebuild her sense of
self-esteem and restore some of your faith in her.
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| Q: |
My rebellious teenager does the opposite of everything I ask. I’m at my wits’ end!
| | A: |
Resisting your rules can be very satisfying to your daughter; not
only does she get a big reaction from you, but she also gets her own
way. Reduce her opportunity for rebellion by considering whether you
could say “yes” to a few more of her suggestions, or at least reach a
compromise. For example, you might agree to a new hair color as long as
the shade or style doesn’t break school rules. This way the two of you
don’t go head to head so often.
When you must stand
your ground, do so with good reason. For example, you may say no to a
late night party because of safety, supervision, and difficulty getting
home. Explain yourself fully and negotiate an alternative, such as
having her friends over to your home or going to an organized event
rather than a private party.
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| Q: |
I was a wild child in my youth. How much do I disclose?
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It is an individual decision how much of your past you tell your
teenager. In general, however, it is wise to be honest and model the
openness you want your child to display. This works best if you give
general factual information without glorifying your wild ways or
lecturing. Tell him what happened to you, a brief explanation of why you
got into harmful habits, and the reason you stopped. For example, you
might say, “When I was 15 I started drinking. A group of us would meet
up at the park and pass a bottle around. It began because I thought I’d
look weak if I didn’t join in and it wasn’t fun being around my friends
when they were drunk and I wasn’t. I stopped because I got so fed up of
hangovers and it ended up being boring rather than exciting.”
Disclosure of your
rule-breaking can bring you closer to your teenager if he recognizes
that you have some understanding of the pressures on him to fit in and
engage in the same behavior as his peer group. However, he may also
question why he should obey you when you didn’t listen to your own
parents. An effective answer to this is to explain that you’ve learned
from how you behaved, and that’s why you’ve worked hard with him to
agree rules and limits that keep him safe without overprotecting him.
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| Q: |
How can I stop my teen from putting herself at risk by breaking
the rules? She sneaks out late at night to visit her boyfriend.
| | A: |
Once your daughter has developed a habit of disregarding
reasonable rules, it can take plenty of negotiating to get things back
on track. Open up an honest discussion immediately about your concerns;
there is no need to interrogate her, simply state that you believe she’s
been breaking her curfew. Take the time to understand her
reasons—perhaps she enjoys the excitement or feels the rules are
meaningless or harsh. Try to reach a compromise so that her needs, for
example, to spend time with her boyfriend, and yours, to ensure her
safety, are both met. Perhaps you can allow her boyfriend to visit more
often while she agrees to stick to her curfew. It won’t always be that
simple, and you may need to set up a contract and a reward system so
that sticking to the rules becomes worthwhile for your daughter.
Negotiate and write out the most important rules, and decide upon
rewards for each time they are kept. Increase this contract’s formality
by both signing it. For example, agree that she will remain in her room
after lights out and that you will check in on her each night. Find a
reward that is meaningful to her, for example earning money to add
minutes to her cell phone, credit for music downloads, or extra time
with her boyfriend at the weekend. Keep monitoring the contract to see
that it’s working for both of you.
Let her know that you
won’t hesitate to take action, such as searching, phoning her friends
and, ultimately, calling the police, if she does leave home late at
night and you feel she is at risk.
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Thick skin Rejecting my authority
This past year I’ve put up
with a lot. My son started with a bit of defiance and built up to
full-blown rants accusing me of not caring about him, ruining his life,
and saying he hated me. I was even frightened he’d act out his feelings
and hurt me. In the end I picked up a parenting book which said this was
more common than many parents thought. Now I recognize it’s my son’s
struggle to be independent, yet have to live within my rules and in my
home, that starts him off. Pushing me away with words is just a way of
rejecting my authority.
The rudeness is still
not okay but I’ve grown a thick skin and tell myself that he loves me
underneath it all. Because I react less strongly now, he seems less
aggressive, too, and we’ve even had a conversation about talking to each
other with respect. Rebellion: exploring identity
You cannot stop your
teenager from rebelling. Her rejection of family values and standards is
part of her exploration of her own identity, a way of giving herself a
clean slate so she can fully explore what is important to her as an
individual. Fortunately, most teenagers do eventually return to some or
all of the values you have taught them over the years.
Coping methods for this time
Stick to
reasonable house rules. Your teenager still needs to feel the safety of
clear boundaries at home, if only so she can kick against them. Keep
a straight face no matter what your teenager presents you with. There
is nothing so encouraging to her as your shocked or horrified
expression. Avoid
ultimatums: These act as a dare to your teenager to see what you’ll do
if she doesn’t comply. Whether you want her to give up smoking, stick to
her curfew, or get a job, you’ll get a better result if she has a
timeframe rather than a deadline. Find
moments of closeness: Raising a teenager isn’t 100 percent challenge
and rebellion. Sit together in quiet companionship, respond to a request
for advice, share a success, or be a shoulder to cry on. Recognize
her strengths. Some of her most annoying characteristics are also the
most helpful to her progress. Being opinionated and prepared to try new
things can get her into conflict with you but help her to be assertive
and grasp opportunities in her life. Ride it out: Understand that this period of rebellion will come to an end.
NOTE
Recognizing that your child can care for himself may be one of the hardest acts of parenthood
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