Your toddler is on the go from morning until night,
and requires your help to understand when he is tired and needs to get
some rest. Life is far too interesting for him to want to go to bed of
his own accord, but he needs his sleep and will benefit from having a
routine.
“I am so tired of the battles that I find it hard to be consistent with my daughter’s nighttime routine.”
—“I am so tired of the battles that I find it hard to be consistent with my daughter’s nighttime routine.”
“Rapid return works
especially well where sleep problems are long-standing, or if your
toddler tends to show very angry behavior at bedtime.”
With your guidance, your
toddler needs to learn how to go to sleep, stay asleep, and how to
settle himself if he does wake up. Common sleep problems at this age
are: taking a long time to settle, waking frequently throughout the
night, and needing comfort to go back to sleep. This year is an ideal
time to introduce a more regular sleep routine if you haven’t already
done so .
Many parents find bedtimes are a challenge. Rather than going to bed
and staying in bed their child or children are up and down like yo-yos,
refusing to settle down and waking frequently through the night. If this
kind of pattern is combined with biting, hitting, or tantrums the whole
family can end up feeling unhappy and exhausted. The following series
of time-honored and successful techniques can, if you are persistent and
consistent in approach, transform your toddler’s sleep habits.
Helping her settle
Calm things down and minimize your toddler’s excitement before bedtime by enjoying quiet reading together.
Gradual withdrawal technique
A young child who is used to
you being close by at bedtime, or finds it difficult to fall asleep on
his own, may be anxious initially when you try to leave and will need
your help to become more independent. This technique, if followed
consistently, will help your toddler feel safe and secure while he
adjusts to the new routine.
How to use the gradual withdrawal technique:
Children who are unused
to being on their own will take some time to unlearn their old behavior
and learn the new one. Your toddler may seem quite frightened or
unsettled during the first few days. Be patient. He will adjust, and so
will you, given time. Learning to fall asleep without your help is an
important skill for an increasingly independent child. The aim is to
eventually be able to leave the room while he is still awake.
Every night after saying goodnight, turn out the light, but stay close by.
There is no need to say anything, but simply be there.
Do not be tempted to turn on the light or to respond to his chatter.
Do not give in to pleas for hugs. Turn away and be boring and quiet.
As
the days pass, gradually move farther away—to the foot of the bed, to a
chair, closer to the door, to the door, to just outside the door, and
finally away entirely.
If
your toddler is settling down but still anxious, you could pop back to
check him every few minutes, but do not say anything. The purpose of
this is only to reassure your child that you are still there and that he
is safe.
Gradually increase the length of time in between your checks, and eventually stop checking entirely.
Rapid return technique
The gradual withdrawal
approach does not work in all instances and if you find your toddler is
resisting your new routine, you may need to try a different approach.
Rapid return is a simple sleep management technique with an immediate
“no-nonsense” message. It is particularly useful for managing children
who wake in the night and come and join you in your bed rather than
resettle in their own. It works because it does not reward your
toddler’s sleep-resistant behavior, and in time he will become bored,
and sleepy, and will stop trying to resist your new boundary. But be
warned, this technique can be tough to put into practice. You will need
to be determined and consistent for it to work—and you may well need
some help to put it into action. If the rapid return technique is to
work, it is vital not to talk, make eye contact, or pay attention to
your child, so that you are neither acknowledging or rewarding his
behavior.
How to use the rapid return technique:
Settle your child, turn out the light, say goodnight, and leave the room.
If he gets out of bed, take him back right away without getting angry and without speaking.
Even if your child is kicking and screaming, remain calm but firm and put him into his bed. Then leave the room.
If
he gets up again, pick him up and put him back into bed, with no fuss.
Keep repeating this process as necessary until your child falls asleep.
You must not make eye contact or give your child attention.
If
your child stays in bed, but is crying and finding it hard to settle
down, do not go back to him immediately, but leave him for a short
period of up to 1–5 minutes. He needs time to gradually learn to settle
himself to sleep, as well as back to sleep when he wakes up.
Then,
go in briefly, say “Shh, shh”, and leave. Keep repeating this process
until your child falls asleep. In some situations, where the sleeping
problem has been going on for a long time, you may need to keep this
pattern up for a couple of weeks. It can be exhausting to begin with, so
try beginning the new routine at a weekend, when you don’t have to
worry about being fresh for work, and can arrange some other adult
support.
Praise and incentives
In the early stages of
using the rapid return method it may be helpful to use basic rewards or
incentives to encourage your toddler to settle more quickly. These
should be simple and appropriate. The idea is not to make bargaining a
habit, but to distract your toddler away from his old sleep behavior
pattern and help him to start to learn a new one. Remember that the
point is not just to get him to go to bed, but also to encourage him to
stay in bed until morning. Praise works wonders with small children.
They love to know that they have pleased you and that they have done
something well. If your child manages to sleep through the night, or has
stayed in his own bed, don’t hold back on the hugs and the praise. Keep
setting new goals. It will help him get a sense of his own success and
progress and will help him understand that he has control over his own
behavior. As your child gets older he will also be able to understand
that there will be consequences, and the withdrawal of treats, if he
does not do as he is asked. Don’t expect instant success, and you may
have to be satisfied with small results to begin with—but be patient,
and believe in your ability to make the change happen. Stick to your
routine when you are away from home, too, if possible.
How to use praise and incentives:
Tell your
toddler he can choose which story to read if he behaves. The longer he
takes to get to bed, the less time there will be for a story.
If
your child has a favorite book character or teddy bear, involve it in
your bedtime routine—“Put teddy to bed now. Shh. If you’re noisy you
will wake him, and he’s had a very long day. You go to sleep now, too.”
Most
children love stickers, and they enjoy seeing how well they are doing. A
simple promise of a favorite sticker from the nighttime fairy if he can
stay in bed until morning, can work wonders.
The promise of one balloon to be fixed to the foot of the bed for each night he manages not to get out of bed also works well.
Night terrors
Night terrors are common at this age. They differ from nightmares
in that your child does not wake up and will have no memory of his
dream. They usually occur within the first 1–4 hours of a child falling
asleep. They can be very alarming for a parent to watch, but are nothing
to worry about. Your child is unlikely to wake up and will have no
memory of his experience in the morning. Typical symptoms include: rapid
heartbeat, sweating, signs of fear, may not recognize you if woken, may
scream, cry, or moan. His eyes may be open, but he will be sound
asleep.
A night terror can last up
to 30 minutes. Although frightening for you to watch, there is no need
to wake your child during one. There is nothing you can do, except keep
him away from stairs and safe if he is thrashing around. However, if you
see a fixed time pattern to the terrors, you can wake your child just
before that time each night. Night terrors are more distressing for a
parent to witness than they are for the child experiencing one. Children
usually grow out of night terrors as they become older.
Peaceful sleep
Tackling sleep problems requires your patience and perseverance,
but remember it is in your child’s best interests to settle and feel
secure in her bed at night.
