Your Toddler Month by Month your essential guide to the first 4 years : Family Life - Managing Challenging Behavior

“Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to be ‘good’, too, so that he does not become labeled as the ‘bad’ child.”

“Lucy will bang her head mid-tantrum to get our attention—especially if we have said ‘No’ to something. I find it so upsetting and very hard to ignore.”

—“Lucy will bang her head mid-tantrum to get our attention—especially if we have said ‘No’ to something. I find it so upsetting and very hard to ignore.”

“See all types of your child’s behavior as manageable with thought and, if necessary, with additional support. Try not to let your anxiety inadvertently make the problems worse.”

Throughout this guide different behavior techniques have been recommended for different ages and stages of development. The general principle with toddlers is to reward good behavior, to ignore unwanted behavior, and to be consistent. Matching a behavior strategy to the age of your child, and also to his development stage, is crucial to success.

Any habit that is unwanted by a parent could reasonably be called a “nasty” habit! However, many types of behavior are not worth negotiating with your child until he is at least three years old and can understand your reasoning. Nose-picking is a useful example. Explain that it is dirty, but do not give it lots of attention or squeal or make it into game, or praise him for behaving any differently. This strategy applies to most unwanted habits.

Going naked and other natural instincts

Toddlers are very physical. They will happily run around naked rather than be restricted by clothes and enjoy exploring their bodies. Along with the understanding that “my bed is here” and “my potty is there” comes an awareness that “I can poop” and “I can pee.”

Both boys and girls are often fascinated by their bodily functions and by their genitals, which they will spend time touching out of interest and because it feels nice. This can often cause parents a great deal of anxiety and embarrassment since they worry about whether it is sexual behavior, whether it might put their child at risk from predatory adults, and how to curtail or put an end to the behavior.

First some words of reassurance: your child is not masturbating when he is exploring himself. Even though boys may have occasional erections, this is a purely biological reflex. Toddlers are far too young to have any sexual impulses; nor is there any emotional connection with the sensations they are experiencing other than that it is pleasurable.

Under normal circumstances there is no need to worry. Your own level of ease or discomfort with your child’s behavior will depend on how at ease you are personally with physicality, but the usual rules of behavior apply. Ignore the behavior and don’t be tempted to comment on the size of a boy’s penis, or draw attention to a toddler’s actions by making a joke of them (and make sure that any siblings don’t, either). These are grown-up responses that are inappropriate for a child of this age. Your reactions will be confusing and will inadvertently reinforce the behavior because you are paying attention to it.

If you are in a situation where your child’s behavior is inappropriate, avoid focusing on the behavior directly. Being directly disapproving or obviously upset about genital exploration could trigger the beginnings of personal inhibition and feeling ashamed of his body. Instead, use distraction techniques to encourage interest in something more exciting, such as playing Patty-Cake, or going for a walk, or say “Show me how you can put your clothes on now.”

It is more usual for a toddler to put his hands down his pants or diapers when he is out and about, rather than to strip down, which he is more likely to do at home—so distraction techniques tend to work best. Give him things to play with, or teach him socially appropriate behavior (as shown in the examples). Alternatively, simply pick your toddler up and sweep him off to a different location. Be reassured that your toddler will grow out of this phase and will benefit from your encouragement to be relaxed about his body.

Head banging

Watching a baby or toddler bang his head can be extremely distressing, no matter how often you are told that your little one will not do himself any harm. A toddler who frequently bangs his head may feel overwhelmed by his feelings, may be self-soothing, may be looking for a reaction from you, or may have a medical need that is yet to be diagnosed. Try to figure out which trigger is the cause. If it is a habitual behavior, you may be able to see the visual cues that develop before he starts to head bang. Encourage him to find other ways to express his anger and frustration, such as running around to burn off his excess energy.

Once you’re confident that there is no medical concern, you should ignore the head banging, since responding to it may reinforce it as an effective way to get your attention. Children do have a self-regulatory mechanism that will prevent them from doing serious damage. Use ignoring techniques and, if necessary, the firm hold. You can take strength from the knowledge that most children tend to grow out of this behavior by age 2–3 as they learn other ways to soothe themselves. As language develops they will find alternative ways to let you know how they feel.

Toileting problems

By the end of their third year, most children will be partly or wholly toilet trained during the day , but night-time dryness may take a little longer to achieve. If your toddler has managed to stay dry for several nights in a row, start to put him to bed without wearing a nappy. Do not cut out fluids during the day. Not only are they important for his health, but he also needs his bladder to be full so that he knows when to wee. Sudden spells of bedwetting can indicate your child is upset about something, so enquire sensitively. Ongoing bedwetting in older children can be managed using an enuresis alarm. Give him praise when he gets it right, but make no fuss when there are accidents. Alternating more than one layer of plastic and cotton sheets can save a lot of time if there is an accident in the night. Night-time soiling may take longer to overcome.

Changes in your toddler’s toilet habits (once he has been toilet trained) can be a sign of physical or emotional difficulties. It is always wise to go to your doctor and ask for your toddler to have a physical checkup, since constipation and other bowel problems can mean a child has difficulties with controlling bowel movements and may be in pain. A medical checkup is needed in order to rule this out.

If your family is going through a period of change and your child is finding this difficult or stressful, his feelings may be reflected in changes in his toileting behavior. Talk to other people involved with caring for your child, at preschool, for example, to try and figure out what might be causing difficulties. Don’t show your child your concerns; instead, offer him reassurance and return to an earlier stage of toilet training.

If your child seems to be soiling longer than expected, for example, beyond five years of age, seek medical advice. A doctor will check that your toddler’s nerves are sending messages appropriately or whether he may need help in learning a new toileting system or routine. Persistent soiling (particularly if he previously had control) may be a sign of tension or difficulties in your child’s life. If you are struggling to understand his behavior or how to manage it, then your pediatrician is the first port of call for advice or referral to a specialist for help .

Some children may smear their poop with their fingers, which can be a sign of distress or indicative of a medical problem. Speak to your doctor if this happens more than once. In a child with special needs, such as developmental delay or autism, there are other considerations: for example, could he be benefiting from the sensation in some way, or asking for your attention?

Whatever the toileting problem, avoid paying attention to the behavior and do not make it a negative experience. Even a young child may find bed-wetting, soiling, or smearing quite shameful, so avoid reinforcing any negative feelings.

Nighttime dryness