| Q: |
My child can’t do half the things other parents say their children can. What am I doing wrong?
| | A: |
It is worrying to hear other parents talk about how far ahead
their children are—particularly if your own child appears to be slower
to develop in some areas. It is important to remember, though, that each
child progresses at his or her own pace and in their own unique way.
For example, some might walk at an early age but be slower to develop
speech and language skills. What matters is that you support your child
to make sure she is developing to her potential. Comparing yourself and
your child to other families is inevitable (and may make you feel good
sometimes), but there will always be someone out there who seems to be
doing things better than you. Talk to other parents and you will no
doubt discover that they too have worries and concerns about their own
children and may be grateful for your advice. If some of your daughter’s
playmates are more advanced in certain areas, spending time with them
will help her to learn their skills too.
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| Q: |
My son seems lazy—should I push him to do things that I think he’s capable of?
| | A: |
Children can only develop as fast as their bodies, and brains,
will allow. However, social interaction with parents, other adults, and
peers will help a child who is ready to move on to the next challenge.
Children learn best when you give them new experiences and challenges
that are just beyond what they are currently doing, but still within
their capabilities. Some children need more encouragement than others to
attempt new tasks, but try not to take over too much. Help your child
learn by showing him how to do things, then getting them to repeat them,
making suggestions about how to solve problems, and breaking things
down into simple steps. One good example is to get your child to dress
himself while you offer a running commentary of what should come next,
helping out where necessary. However, pushing your child too hard will
result in feelings of frustration and failure—for you and him. Having
realistic expectations is the key to success.
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| Q: |
My partner thinks I’m overanxious, but I’m worried about my son’s progress. Should I get him checked out?
| | A: |
Parents know their children better than anyone else, so you are
in the best position to judge if something does not seem quite right.
Talk to your partner and explain the reasons why you are worried. It may
be that he is concerned, too, but is anxious about taking things
further in case there is actually a problem. Parents share lots of
similar concerns about their children, so discussing things with family,
friends, or other parents may be all the help you need. However, if you
are still worried and have reason to believe there is a problem, check
things out with your pediatrician, who will be able to direct you to
further consultants or health professionals if anything is wrong. It is
better to worry too much than too little, and if there are any concerns
about your son’s development, then getting the right support and help
early on could make a big difference.
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| Q: |
My son keeps having nightmares and wakes up very upset. Should I let him sleep with us?
| | A: |
As your son’s knowledge and understanding of the world expands,
so too will his imagination and the ability to scare himself. If he’s
getting anxious about going to bed, make this event as relaxing as
possible. Spend time with your son in his room before the light goes
out, read a bedtime story together (nothing scary!), and leave him with
lots of positive, happy thoughts. If he wakes in the night, listen to
his fears and give him plenty of hugs, and reassure him that it was just
a bad dream and everything is OK. Settle your son back down in his own
room, and avoid the temptation to cuddle up with him in your bed. This
will make it even more difficult to get your son into his bed the next
night, and will not help him to deal with his nightmares. If your son
dreams about a monster under his bed or in his wardrobe, it’s fine to
turn on a light and go hunting to prove that he’s alone. Be careful what
you say to reassure him though. Reporting, “The monster’s gone now,”
will make your son’s dream even more real because it suggests there was
one there in the first place. Try “See, there’s nothing here,” instead.
Everyone has nightmares
from time to time, but if your son’s bad dreams continue, try to find
out if there is anything worrying him that might explain why his sleep
is being disturbed in this way.
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| Q: |
My child rocks back and forth before she sleeps. Is she upset?
| | A: |
Body rocking is normal behavior in toddlers, who seem to find the
rhythmic movements soothing and sleep inducing. It’s similar to the way
a child may suck her thumb or twirl her hair to fall asleep. A few
toddlers may rock to distract themselves from pain—from an ear
infection, for example. The behavior usually starts in the first year,
and most children outgrow it by the age of three or four. Your toddler
may rock back and forth on all fours or sit up to rock.
Although you may not
want to ignore it completely, try to take a low-key approach. If your
child perceives that you’re trying to stop the rocking, she may take it
as a challenge and persist in it, or the added attention may encourage
the behavior. A soothing bedtime ritual, such as a warm bath, a story
while cuddling, or a gentle backrub, may help her unwind without
rocking. If your child starts rocking for the first time after 18 months
of age or exhibits similar behavior during the day, or if it lasts past
the age of four, bring it up with her pediatrician.
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Early developmental difficulties How common are problems?
Most children will
demonstrate some sort of difficulty during their early years. Problems
ranging from nightmares and bed-wetting to fussy eating and behavioral
problems are common and a natural part of your child’s development.
Significant developmental and learning problems such as autistic
spectrum disorder, Down’s syndrome, and learning disability affect a
very small number of children. Overall, boys tend to have more
difficulties than girls. The exact reasons for this difference are not
clear, although it has been suggested that girls’ XX chromosome pattern
is a protective factor so boys are more vulnerable to the effects of
stress. Behavioral problems may be more common in boys because of the
effects of the male hormone testosterone and the fact that society seems
to condone more physical and aggressive behavior.
| Q: |
What should I look for?
| | A: |
It is helpful to have some idea of the milestones and challenges
that your child is working toward at particular ages (see One to three years).
Don’t worry if she does not hit these targets exactly. Development is a
slowly unfolding story, and each child follows her own individual
path—some skills emerge early, some may be late or slow to develop, and
some may arrive out of turn. For example, persistent bed-wetting may not
be a cause for concern in your three-year-old child, but if it is still
happening at age five, she may need some specialist help to master this
skill. However, even at this age around seven percent of boys do not
have full control of their bladder at night.
In these early
years, children are progressing through a complex set of processes
affecting their physical development, thinking skills, speech and
language, and social skills. Difficulties in one area will have an
effect on other aspects of their development, and may make things seem
worse than they really are. A child who is slower to develop speech and
language skills, for example, may get frustrated at being unable to
communicate, have more temper tantrums, and find it more difficult to
interact than other children do.
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| Q: |
When should I get help?
| | A: |
Most problems are very short lived, lasting for only a few weeks
or months. If you have concerns about your child’s development, write
them down and check things out with your pediatrician. Make sure that
you attend regular well-child checkups. If your child has been
struggling with a particular issue for six months or more, or you are
worried that your child appears to have difficulties in several
areas—for example, if she has little speech and language, limited play
skills, shows a lack of interest in other people, or displays repetitive
or unusual behaviors—it would be advisable to seek professional advice.
Worrying about
your child’s development is a major source of stress for parents, but
remember that in most cases, it’s just a phase. It is difficult to
accept that your child may be struggling, but for those children who do
need additional support, early intervention will lead to better
outcomes. In the meantime, a good strategy would be to offer your child
plenty of extra playtime and practice in the areas she struggles with,
along with lots of praise.
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Bed-wetting
This is a common
problem, since young children learn bladder control gradually. However,
if it persists or starts again after a dry period, something may be
troubling your child.
In a rage
Tantrums occur a lot over the toddler years, as your child starts to exert her independence.
Nightmares
Comfort and reassurance when your child has bad dreams will help her to feel secure.
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