In a quandary? Ask Zest’s self
expert, Emma Kenny. As psychologist, counsellor and life coach, no dilemma is
beyond her repair.
“Tell your sister
you’ll only attend if she invites him. If she says no, don’t go. She’ll get the
message.”
‘My family exclude my partner and it’s putting a strain on
our relationship. We’ve been together for three years and are really happy but
my family openly judge us. My sister doesn’t make any effort and never invites
him to family occasions, so I’ve stopped asking if he can come. My parents
compare him unfavourably to my sister’s husband. I know I shouldn’t care but
it’s so hard to ignore their opinions. I wonder if my sister’s jealous –
perhaps she misses her single life – and my parents are desperate for me to get
married. I don’t want to push them away but I feel like they’re leaving me with
no choice. How should I handle this?’ Theresa, 31, Manchester
EMMA SAYS: What do you mean, ‘I’ve stopped asking if
he can come’? Your sister is out of order not to recognise an integral part of
your life. Worse still, your family is supporting her unfair treatment of the
man you love. If you’re going to spend your lives together, your family need to
start treating you and your boyfriend with a bit more respect.
The next time your parents unfavourably compare your partner
to your sister’s husband, simply ask them in an assertive, no-nonsense manner
to stop – tell them it offends and upsets you, that he makes you very happy
and, as parents, they should be pleased you’re in a loving partnership. Don’t
get involved in a debate – there isn’t one to be had – you know what you want
and they need to accept that. As for your sister, when she next invites your to
something, thank her but tell her that while you’d like to come, you’ll only
attend of your boyfriend is invited, too. If she struggles with this, ask her
to consider how she’d feel if her husband was excluded. If she still says no,
don’t attend. How else will she get the message?
If there’s a reason why your family dislikes your partner,
they need to explain it, so you can comfort it head-on and as a couple. If it’s
just an opinion, that isn’t a good enough reason for their behaviour. We don’t
always get on with everyone, but if we love our friends and family, we need to
appreciate what makes them happy and respect their choices. It may take time, but
they should eventually accept your partner.
How to silence
realtionship critics
1. Challenge the haters. As long as you’re happy,
loved and respected in your relationship, stand up to anyone bad-mouthing it.
Demand the respect your partnership deserves.
2. Confront issues. Get to the bottom of exactly
what’s causing the resentment towards your partner. Personal opinion isn’t a
good enough reason for your loved ones to treat you disrespectfully.
3. Launche a charm offensive. If your family don’t
like your partner because they simply haven’t hit it off, encourage them to get
to know him better – and see the qualities you see in him.
