When distracting thoughts cause anxiety
Of course, when non-erotic thoughts
actually prevent you from enjoying sex, or prove difficult to brush off, you
may need to analyze them closely.
The Archives of Sexual Behav study suggests
that the anxiety caused by these thoughts – and not the thoughts themselves –
can lead to some sexual dysfunction. Suppressing them seems to cause more
anxiety, so the best strategy appears to be to let them surface, then let them
go. “Brush off the thought just as you would one that pops up while you’re
watching TV,” advices Chris Watson, the Canadian psychologist who co-authored
the study.
When
non-erotic thoughts actually prevent you from enjoying sex
Men and women seem to be anxious about
different things, the study reports. While men are inclined to dwell on their
sexual performance, women are often concerned about body image. Assessing your
own performance by stepping out of your body, in a manner of speaking, is known
as “spectatoring” – that is, you are not fully participating because you’re
analyzing or judging your actions. “if this is nor an actual dysfunction,” says
Venter, warning that this kind of behavior can make one think less of oneself.
A poor body image can have a similar
effect. “Women tend to obsess about their bodies,” Venter says. “If we can put
this aside and enjoy intimacy, well and good, but sometimes poor body image
proves a huge stumbling block. Men really don’t think about your cellulite –
there are more interesting things to focus on – but if you can’t let go of this
and it affects your ability to experience pleasure, it may be a good idea to
see a therapist.”
“Women
tend to obsess about their bodies”
Similarly, if our upbringing, experiences
or abuse mean we have a difficult relationship with ourselves sexual, we may
find ourselves distracted to the point of extreme aniety. Again, therapy may be
necessary because there’s an underlying reason for our minds to wander.
Tips for refocusing
To ensure you’re less distracted in
intimate moments, keep a notebook and write down things you need to remember to
do, so you can clear your mind and let go, suggests Venter.
The body needs to be relaxed to let go and
enjoy sex. But your brain has to work with your body, so figure out what really
relaxes you. A jog? A candlelit bath? Witty, flirtatious conversation? Don’t
leave it all up to your partner – if you’re receptive, your partner will likely
meet you more than halfway.
The
body needs to be relaxed to let go and enjoy sex.
Distinguish between distraction and
fantasy. Fantasy can e healthy if it brings you closer to your partner, says
Makoba. Distraction is what may lead you away from your partner. Seek ways to
bond, not be a passive participant.
If a relationship isn’t healthy, sex won’t
be healthy either, says Makoba. But don’t make the mistake of thinking a new
partner will solve the problem. If you always think about your sex, or your
wobbly tummy, you need to sort out these issues in your head – not in the
bedroom.
Some anxieties are quite normal, such as
fear of pregnancy or HIV. Question if you feel safe in your current
relationship and if you trust yourself and your partner.
If these thoughts overwhelm you to the
point of incapacity, it’s time to rethink your relationship.
