| Q: |
Do I have to pay attention right away every time?
| | A: |
When your child says “Look at me,” she’s presenting you with a
golden opportunity to show her she’s more important than anything else.
Sometimes these moments are not convenient—they come at busy times of
day, while you’re making a meal or on the phone. However, her need to be
noticed is immediate. Ask yourself: Would it really matter if you took a
couple of minutes out to notice her achievements?
So, if it is safe,
stop what you are doing and see what she wants. Watch and comment with
enthusiasm as she demonstrates her skill, whether it’s jumping on the
trampoline, riding her bike, or showing you what she made in school. Be
careful that, if you do say “Just a minute,” you mean it, and take a
moment to speak to her as soon as you can. Otherwise you may find your
child says this back to you when you ask her to do something. If you get
so busy that you don’t remember to pay her that attention later, she
will use the same tactic to avoid complying with your requests. These
small portions of positive attention are the building blocks of her
self-esteem.
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| Q: |
How can I convince my partner that good manners matter?
| | A: |
Good manners help your child get ahead in life: She will tend to
get a better reaction from the people around her if she is pleasant and
polite. These skills make others feel respected and valued, and it’s
rewarding at home when you hear a thank you after you’ve made a meal or
helped with homework.
Whether your partner
agrees with you or not, you can still role model and reward good
manners. Your own behavior is most influential in teaching your child
how to react. When you are in the habit of saying “please” and “thank
you” to both children and adults, and speaking respectfully about
others, she will pick it up, too. You can speed up her learning by
making clear what you expect. Remind her that she must say “please” and
“thank you” and praise her when she does so. Other easy ways to make
communication more courteous include going up to a person to speak
rather than calling from across the room, and adding “excuse me” or
using a person’s name when asking a question. Explain that when she
comes up to you and says, “I’d like a snack please, Mom,” it’s more
polite than shouting “I want my snack”—and more likely to get your
cooperation.
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| Q: |
My child confides in her grandmother and not me. How can I get her to tell me what’s wrong?
| | A: |
Grandparents can provide a valuable listening ear for
grandchildren. At one remove from your generation, her grandmother can
offer a safe place for your daughter to sound out ideas and gauge
reactions before she talks to you at home.
Even so, it can be
hurtful to find your child more willing to talk to someone else than
yourself. Perhaps she’s concerned she’ll upset you, or wonders what your
reaction will be. In the past, if you’ve been too busy, dismissed her
worries as trivial, or not believed her when she’s told you she’s been
hurt, she may have learned not to be open with you. Rebuilding this
trust will take time. When you stop, listen, and respond to your child
by taking seriously what she says, she will gain confidence to open up
to you. Create more opportunities for communication, perhaps an evening
each week when you spend time one on one. On a daily basis, encourage
her to share the highlights and low points of her day. You may also
request that her grandmother tell you if something is of major concern,
such as bullying, and ask if she’ll encourage your daughter to confide
in you in general.
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| Q: |
I dread celebrations—I’m afraid my family’s disputes will spoil things for my son. What can I do?
| | A: |
Sadly, disagreements often happen at times of celebration, when
relatives who would usually spend little time together are expected to
gather and get along for hours on end. When alcohol is served, this can
also be a catalyst for outspoken views and taking things to extremes
that might otherwise be avoided. Taking action before the event can
reduce the chance of tension. If you’re aware of sensitive issues, talk
things over with relatives beforehand. It’s ideal if people are willing
to meet in advance, perhaps with a respected family member to act as
peacemaker, and resolve specific conflicts. Otherwise ask that, in the
interest of everyone’s enjoyment, issues are put aside at the event,
perhaps reaching an agreement not to bring up subjects that tend to
cause an argument. If alcohol tends to make things worse, try suggesting
a limit on the amount provided.
As a last resort, if
people really can’t agree to stay calm, arrange celebrations separately
so everyone has a chance to take part. Perhaps having a small family
dinner for the occasion, and a larger, more informal gathering a little
later will be satisfactory. Having an adults-only celebration will avoid
your son observing disputes if they flare up. At cross-generational
celebrations, be on hand to distract and remove him if you notice
tension growing.
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Family values Avoiding contradictions
My partner and I work
different shifts, and we seem to pass in the hall every night as I go
out and he comes in. For a while, we had almost daily issues when I’d
tell the children one thing, and he’d contradict me without knowing it.
It came to a head when he let our six-year-old play a violent video game
that I had expressly told him he couldn’t use. There were heated words
at first, but we calmed down and put our energy into a solution. Both of
us love technology, so now we leave each other a daily email or text
with any issues or decisions, plus highlights from the children’s day.
We’re finding out more of the little details we were missing before and
have less conflict.
Embarrassingly honest Teaching values
My four-year-old son is
a delight but a constant embarrassment, since he comments loudly on
everything he sees. Recently he asked his aunt why she was fat and told
his grandma her dress was a horrible color. I realize he’s curious and
is simply saying what he sees, so I make an apology and encourage him to
do so, as well, to get him into the habit, although half the time he
looks at me as if to say “What am I apologizing for?” I’ve also started
to talk to him about how people have similarities and differences and
give a very basic explanation that our world is interesting because it’s
full of people of all sorts of sizes, shapes, and beliefs. Hopefully
this is the beginning of him understanding my values about accepting and
respecting everyone, regardless of how they look.
NOTE
Stopping to listen and respond to your child with interest, warmth, and sincerity shows her how important she is to you
Attention and communication Hearing what your child is saying
You probably find you
communicate nonstop with your child, and most of this is a steady stream
of instructions—from “Please, eat your breakfast” through “Brush your
teeth” to “Put on your coat.” Often it’s not until the afternoon or
evening that you find time for the two-way exchange that demonstrates
you’re interested in each others’ daily lives, thoughts, and opinions.
Make these conversations count by finding one-on-one time with your
child every day.
Pause
Stop what
you are doing, face your child, and give her your undivided attention.
Make eye contact, listen, and try not to be distracted.
Be clear
Make it
easier for your child to understand how you feel and do as you ask by
being clear. For example, asking “Please put your cup in the sink” will
get better cooperation than a vague request such as “Please clean up.”
Listen
Listen to
what your child is saying and notice her body language and expression
without interrupting, jumping to conclusions about what she means, or
coming up with suggestions.
Disagree
Good
debates and discussions, matched to your child’s level of
understanding, increase your knowledge of each other. When you disagree,
express different points of view, and argue without becoming angry or
aggressive, you teach your child how to resolve issues respectfully.
Routine
Find a quiet
time every evening (just as you tuck her into bed is ideal) to spend
five minutes asking for the highlights of her day and give her a chance
to bring up any difficulties. Try asking, “What were the best and worst
things that happened today?” to get her talking.
Long distance
When relatives or friends live far away, keep relationships strong by using technology to stay in touch.
Chatterbox
The more children
converse with their parents, the greater their vocabulary. Make
one-on-one time with your children, such as going for a walk or a chat
at bedtime, to catch up on their day.
Affection
Tell your child you love her—don’t assume she knows how much you care. Using physical affection will demonstrate your love.
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