Avoiding labels
Every child is a unique mix of the traits, but there are three clusters of traits that the New York study (see Understanding your child’s temperament)
showed were more common than others. Although it is important not to
straight jacket your young child with a rigid label, it can be useful to
understand how her character may have an impact on the way you respond
to her. These traits give some insight into the kind of approach that
would work when setting guidelines and nurturing your child.
The way parents respond
to spirited behavior in children include: guilt and anxiety that they
are doing something wrong since nothing seems to please their child;
anger and blaming, as if the child is behaving this way on purpose; or a
sense of rejection because of being unable to soothe or comfort her.
Although understandable responses, it is important to remember that
children under the age of four are not yet capable of anticipating
consequences. Instead, you need to prepare and protect your child from
upset by being aware of the sensory challenges (such as the discomfort
of a wet diaper, or a light that is too bright) and environmental
changes (such as a change in daily routine) that are having an impact,
and be ready to respond. A consistent routine will help your child learn
about predictability and will offer reassurance.
Easy baby
“Easy” babies will
tend to adjust quickly to change, be very regular in their eating and
sleeping habits and bowel movements, and it may be easy to predict their
response to a situation. Since they have a high level of discomfort and
frustration tolerance, these babies are generally contented and
positive, and easily soothed when distressed. Parenting such a contented
baby can sometimes feel too easy. A parent may feel almost unnecessary
in the relationship. It is important to remember this phase will pass
and your baby still needs stimulation, attention, and her unique
relationship with you.
Shy baby
“Shy” babies,
described in the original New York study as “slow to warm” have a
cluster of traits that lead them to reject or withdraw instinctively
from new people and situations. They tend to be cautious and watchful
rather than approach and get involved physically. These babies do not
always show their discomfort, so it can be difficult to know when they
are in need of attention, reassurance, or a nappy change. They can cope
with irregular routine and are not demanding.
Some parents may worry
about their child’s “shyness,” but children may pick up on this anxiety
which can itself lead to other traits, such as clinginess. Parents need
to give their child gradual but frequent opportunities to experience
new situations and people. If children are given plenty of time to warm
up to new situations, and are under no pressure, they will adapt and
learn coping skills in time. If your child appears anxious or stressed,
or overstimulated by something new, withdraw from the situation,
reassure her, and try again. If you have a tendency to withdraw from new
people and prefer to avoid new experiences yourself, your reactions
will reinforce the characteristics in your child. However, you have
several years to overcome your own fears—so you might start to gradually
challenge yourself, too. Meeting other parents is often a great place
to start.
Shy times
Even an outgoing child will withdraw at times. Try not to
compare your child to siblings or criticize or label her because of how
she responds to a situation.
“Difficult” baby
Very physically
active, restless, and easily distracted babies are often wrongly labeled
“difficult” or spirited because they tend to demand constant and
immediate attention and are not easily settled. These are the children
who tend to respond vigorously and vocally to discomfort or change and
are intensely emotional. Hard to soothe and get to sleep, they do not
settle into an easy routine. New situations and people are a challenge
and they may react strongly to sensory and environmental changes.
If treated in a caring and
responsive way, most of the so-called “difficult” behavior, such as
fretting and being overly reactive to change, will calm by the age of
one and can be overcome by the age of four. These toddlers often grow
into active, energetic, and emotionally expressive children. The
challenge is to stay positive, loving, and consistent toward your child
in spite of the challenges. If a negative relationship builds up, there
is a danger that behavioral challenges will develop in later life.
Others
Another 40 percent of
children do not fit clearly into any of these three categories, but are a
unique mix of the nine characteristics described under the section Understanding your child’s temperament.
Is birth order important?
The evidence is mixed on
the effects of birth order on a child, and tends to depend on the
approach of the parents. Older children who have spent lots of time in
the company of adults, may find being with adults easier than being with
children; whereas younger children, used to having an older sibling as a
role model, may develop social skills more quickly and relate to their
peers more naturally. First-born children may be encouraged to develop
leadership skills and to take responsibility from a younger age than a
sibling, who has to compete for resources and attention. In contrast,
younger children may develop faster and be more confident because the
parents are more experienced and relaxed. A single child will adjust in a
similar way provided she is given opportunities to socialize and is not
treated from an early age as a “little adult.”
Real life
My little girl is three
now, and I’ve found that parenthood has made me want to change things
about myself. When you have a child, you see all of your own traits
lived out in front of you, such as being shy and hating crowds. It makes
you want to try and change how you act, so that you give out a more
positive message. I so much want my daughter to have higher self-esteem
than I did, but she is already quite timid. I try to encourage her and
give her “coping techniques” in situations she’s not enthusiastic about,
such as going to a party. I have promised myself that I will never tell
her that she will “enjoy it once she’s there” since I hated being told
that when I was little. It is a taboo to say how hard it is to be a
parent sometimes, but I think the difficulties should be talked about so
that whatever parents go through they know it is normal and they are
not alone.
