In many ways the task of helping your toddler to
manage her behavior should become easier during year 3–4. Now that she
has more ability to understand and reason, you will be able to explain,
rather than simply state, that she should or shouldn’t behave in a
certain way.
“Jamie feared ‘the
monster’ who lived next door. I soon figured out it was the decorative
gargoyle my neighbor had in his yard.”
—“Jamie feared ‘the
monster’ who lived next door. I soon figured out it was the decorative
gargoyle my neighbor had in his yard.”
“My fear of the dentist stems back to my own childhood and I worry that I may pass my nervousness on to my children.”
—“My fear of the dentist stems back to my own childhood and I worry that I may pass my nervousness on to my children.”
“Most children become
outwardly immune to spanking. It does not educate or modify the
behavior: all it does is increase the level of stress hormones and send
the message that violence is acceptable.”
“‘Time out’ allows a cooling-off period where there is a brief separation from the difficult situation and no physical contact.”
“The use of warnings
is important as children get older, since it gives them a chance to show
self-control and choose to avoid the consequence.”
Your toddler wants to
please you and enjoys being rewarded, so she has more incentive to
conform to your needs. The corollary of this is that she can now ask
“Why?”—often repeatedly—when you ask her to do something. She may also
have very strong opinions as to why she would rather not do as you
say—and can be very fast on her feet if she chooses to “go” rather than
“come” when you call.
You will know and
love your child’s unique personality and she will know yours, too. The
techniques outlined in previous sections remain the bedrock of behavior
management during these months, with one addition. Now that your toddler
is older she is more able to reason and remember, and will start to
understand why her behavior has consequences—both good and bad (see Lawrence Kohlberg).
This section
outlines effective ways to offer rewards and incentives to your child
for “good” behavior—as well as the consequences of constant or extreme
disruption. The main principle of behavior management at this age is to
put space between your child and her inappropriate behavior to give her
time for reflection and “cooling down.” The goal is not to label your
child as “naughty” when she behaves badly, so much as to help her to see
that she could have chosen to respond differently—so she learns that
different behaviors can achieve different outcomes.
Playful behavior
Sassiness and developing humor are a positive and essential part
of your child’s individuality. Don’t confuse this with “naughtiness.”
Fear and phobias
You are likely to
notice that your child is becoming more fearful. This tendency is linked
to the development of her imagination and is a normal stage in her development. The level of fears and
phobias experienced by young children usually peaks between the ages of
3–6.
Her world can be disrupted by fears relating to:
By the time your child is
three or four, she will be exposed to things that might trigger fears
more often. Although her reasoning ability and memory are developing
fast, she does not yet have enough life experience to distinguish
between real and imaginary fears. The messages from her brain may tell
her there is something to be afraid of, but she does not have the
ability to consider the probability of whether that fear is real or
imaginary. The distinction between reality and fantasy remains blurred.
Fantasy creatures, such as monsters or ghosts.
Real threats, such as dogs or intruders.
Natural disasters, such as floods or earthquakes.
Separation anxiety—this can peak again in early childhood and children may have fears related to the death or loss of a parent.
Managing your child’s fears
Childhood fears can
be overwhelming in their magnitude and often the only person who can
truly help them disappear will be a parent or other adult caregiver.
Offer reassurance calmly, but without buying into the fear.
Your own anxiety can
trigger your child’s anxiety because she will suddenly feel vulnerable,
with no one to teach her the situation is safe and okay. At this age,
you are the rock that keeps her safe from harm. If you have beliefs that
the world is unsafe, or that people are out to get you, you are likely
to pass your beliefs on to your child and she will become more
susceptible to anxiety.
Top tips for managing your child’s fears:
Calming her
fears, for example by checking that there is no “monster” under the bed,
can help her feel safe. Be creative—perhaps give her a special “magic
monster zapper” to reassure her she is in control, and let her keep it
close by to help her curb her fears.
Be
aware that your child’s imagination will distort all kinds of sounds
and images. Evening light on a large cobweb, the pattern on a curtain or
wallpaper, extreme weather: all can fire up your child’s imagination.
Never
be tempted to threaten your child with imaginary creatures if she
misbehaves. Telling her that “the plug hole monster will get you” if she
doesn’t get out of the bath may alarm her into submission, but could
haunt her dreams later—and may well come back to haunt you, too, next
time you need to get her into the bath!
No
matter what your own beliefs about the world’s dangers—from war and
disaster, to paranormal experiences, death, or even spiders—try not to
show your child your anxieties.
Aim
to normalize fears when they occur. For example, explain to your
toddler that it is normal to feel “jitters in the tummy” before doing
something new, but that the feeling will pass once it is over.
Adjusting to new experiences
Fears may arise at any
point, but are especially likely during new stages in a child’s life;
for example, when acquiring a new skill (such as swimming) or making a
big change (such as starting school or moving).
If you allow your child to
give into her fear, it will grow stronger and she will feel even more
afraid. The answer is to continue with the activity that is causing her
anxiety, but at a consistent pace and with gentle reassurance. Your
child needs to know that she has a choice in the matter, and that you
will not allow her to come to any harm.
The common approach
used to be to encourage children to confront fears by exposing them to
the fear head on. This is now felt to be unethical and frightening for
children. Exposing your child to high levels of emotion when she doesn’t
have the reasoning capacity to make sense of what is happening, or why
you are not protecting her, could just be severely traumatic. The
advisable alternative approach is gradual exposure, with support. Think
of it as the difference between teaching your child to swim by throwing
her into the deep end of the pool, or starting her in the shallow end
and progressing gradually from paddling to swimming as she increases in
confidence. Only when a child becomes comfortable at the lowest fear
stage do you move up to the next one. The advantage of this technique is
that it enables a child to learn a strategy for managing and overcoming
other fears, too.
Reassuring your child
No matter how bizarre your child’s fear may seem, it is important
not to belittle him or dismiss the way he is feeling. Aim to normalize
the situation rather than magnify it.
Coping with nightmares
Nightmares differ from night terrors
in that your child may remember what she has dreamed. Nightmares often
occur in the second half of the night when dreams are most intense and
are usually very short, because the child wakes up. Your child is seeing
and experiencing new things on a daily basis and her imagination is
becoming far more active. She can’t always tell the difference between
fantasy and reality, especially during the night. Bad dreams and
nightmares may be triggered by something she thought was strange or
scary during the day; or by an event that has upset her equilibrium,
such as a house move, the arrival of a new sibling, or starting
preschool. You may also notice that bad dreams are more likely to occur
if your toddler has had a big tantrum during the day. The following
example shows how daytime experiences can affect a child.
Tyler was entranced by his
aunt’s caged parrot and, in spite of being warned not to, pushed his
finger through the bars to try to touch it. Of course the parrot tried
to peck his finger. When he shouted, it flapped its wings and cawed. For
the next two nights, Tyler woke up screaming, terrified by dreams of an
enormous flapping bird. Each time he woke, his parents let him sob and
talk. They then gave him a hug and reassured him they were only in the
next room and that he really was quite safe—and that the parrot was
safely asleep at Aunt Elaine’s house.
A toddler who wakes up
and is still distressed by images from her dream may want to talk about
it, even though she doesn’t yet have the vocabulary to describe what she
experienced. Let her talk if she wants to, and explain to her what she
is feeling, but don’t lead the conversation or deny her fears.
Acknowledge that she is afraid, but offer her reassurance that it was
not real. This will help her start to learn the difference between
fantasy and reality. Children continue to believe in monsters until they
are older, so reassuring calmly, and with imagination, is the best
method at this age. (For example, “Daddy is using his magic powers to
put a monster-dissolving shield around our house!”)
Once she has shown
signs of calming down, try to settle her in her own bed. Removing her
from the room will reinforce the fear she associates with being in her
own bed and risks setting up a pattern of behavior where “nightmares”
are rewarded by sleeping with mom and dad. As children grow older and
begin to learn the difference between reality and fantasy, they will
become less disturbed by nightmares, but they may recur at times of
stress. Whatever your child’s age, offer reassurance.
