Where did your marriage go? Blame the bad
habits that come with parenthood.
The joys of having a child can also add stress to
your marriage
The joys of having a child can also add
stress to your marriage. And many couples develop bad habits as they become
parents, says Dr Edward Gray, professor of counseling at Harding University in
the US and the author of several “12 Conversations” programmes, which include
marriage mentoring. He was in Singapore recently for Marriage Convention 2012,
which was organized by Marriage Central. He shares five negative practices that
you should break.
It’s not always about the kids
When
you focus too much on them, you neglect to nurture your marriage.
Habit: When
you focus too much on them, you neglect to nurture your marriage. This can
happen without you even realizing it. And when you do spend time together, your
conversations are inadvertently about them.
Break it:
Make time for each other. Plan “dates” like you did before your marriage and
make arrangements for a sitter, grandparents or friends to care for Junior, so
you have no excuses. It can be as simple as a picnic, dinner and movie, or just
a long walk together. Take this time to share and talk about current events,
your relationship and non-kid topics.
Talk is (not) cheap
You
neglect to communicate with each other
Habit: You
neglect to communicate with each other – you either put off or avoid discussions
altogether because you feel it may interrupt time spent on dealing with the
children’s needs.
Break it:
Couples need to cultivate good communication. Aim to set aside uninterrupted
time to talk – you may need it to discuss and resolve problems at home, plan
for the future, work out financial matters and the like.
You’ve become roommates
By
the time the little ones are in bed, you’re exhausted, sometimes cranky and
ready to fall asleep.
Habit:
You’re often so busy and tired from caring for your children that you don’t
make time for intimacy. By the time the little ones are in bed, you’re
exhausted, sometimes cranky and ready to fall asleep.
Break it:
While it seems odd to think about needing to schedule intimate times, the
presence of young children often inhibits spontaneity. Sex doesn’t have to
begin in the bedroom - sneak in some cuddling in between time with the kids,
doing the laundry or washing the car. Those feelings of love and caring for one
another can then reach into the bedroom in the evening. Schedule a sleepover
for the kids at Grandma’s or a friend’s house, if necessary.
Time for time-outs
You
spend so much time managing your kids’ logistic that you don’t have much time
for each other.
Habit: you
spend so much time managing your kids’ logistic that you don’t have much time
for each other.
Break it:
When the kids are young, the family schedule revolves around feeding cycles,
diaper changes and the like. But as they get older, you could take a step back
and see what you can eliminate from the endless rounds of attending to their
schedules, so that the family is not overwhelmed with activity.
Get your priorities right
You
may be concentrating your finances on your kids, but you fall into the trap of
working harder just so you can afford more things and a better lifestyle for
them.
Habit: You
may be concentrating your finances on your kids, but you fall into the trap of
working harder just so you can afford more things and a better lifestyle for
them.
Break it:
Children need time and attention, and a stable home with two parents who love
each other. Take time to dream about the future together. And make plans: These
might involve shorter-term goals like planning a vacation for the family or
saving money for a major purchase, or longer-term goals, which include
retirement.
