Sterner adds that another
consideration is to learn how to acknowledge your emotions early on.
"Don't wait until you're ready to explode. As soon as you notice that your
stress levels are quite high, let your partner know. If your partner is also
stressed, then encourage him to share how he is feeling as well." If you
feel you are losing control, say so, and take a few minutes to calm yourself
down. If your partner brings up a topic that you know you just can't handle
right now, then ask to rather discuss when you don't feel so overwhelmed.
"Avoid the temptation to blame your feelings on your partner. They're
yours, and you're the only one who can manage them." And, suggests
Sterner, if you find yourself arguing over things that you know just don't
matter, rather stop. Mention to your partner that you've just realized you have
spent the better part of five minutes arguing over a decision that you'll
probably never need to make. "Agree to disagree, and leave it at
that."
However, it is also important to
acknowledge your feelings, but it's not necessary, or wise, to express them
all. And sometimes we need to suppress them, so that we can respond
appropriately. It's still important to allow yourself to feel them, to whatever
extent you can. That way the little things won't cause a big explosion.
Stride says that often he hears
couples bemoan the fact that their partner "is not the person I fell in
love with." But it stands to reason you won't be. "People adapt,
change and grow. You should be more worried if they were exactly the same
person you fell in love with," he adds. The trick, is to continue to grow
with each other, and not at odds with each other. For men, stress can manifest
as erectile dysfunction; while for women this could mean a low libido or not
being able to orgasm - the breakdown in emotional intimacy can lead to a
breakdown in sexual intimacy. He adds that you should keep saying "I love
you", even if you are worried that it is just a habit. "The day you
stop saying 'I love you', and it doesn't bother you, is the day that you need
to reassess your relationship." In fact, he says, this may already be too
late to salvage. If you have been feeling apathetic about your relationship for
three or more months, perhaps it is time to consider cutting your ties.
However, Stride adds that couple's therapy can help you find your way back to
each other.
Ultimately, stress is an internal
response based on how you see a particular situation - the physical
circumstances are just the triggers. When you feel too overwhelmed, irritated
or frustrated Stride suggests that you talk to someone — your partner, a
friend, family member or work colleague. And, if necessary, seek professional
help. Sterner agrees: "If there are times when stress controls you, when
you feel as if you just can't deal with life, then don't be afraid to get some
assistance. We all need a little help now and then. It's when we refuse to get
help that the real problems begin."
“People
adapt, change and grow. You should be more worried if they were exactly the
same person you fell in love with”
Tips
to Beating Relationship Stress
Sandra Hillawi is an international
practitioner and trainer in the field of Energy Psychology
(www.sandrahillawi.com), and the author of The Love Clinic. She offers these
seven tips to help prevent relationship stress.
1.
Stop talking and
start listening. As much as we need to be heard and have our feelings
recognized, so does the other person in our relationship. By actually listening
to your partner and understanding his point of view, you can better understand
where he is coming from. This can help diffuse the stress and allow belter
communication, so that you are able to talk things out. This in turn will
reflect back to you, making it easier for your partner to listen and understand
your own stressors.
2.
Give recognition,
show appreciation and be kind. Random acts of kindness help us feel good, loved
and happy, and your partner will react in turn. By being the one to start this
cycle, it leads to a deeper appreciation for each other. "We can get out
of the habit of paying attention. But it's an easy thing to start again."
3.
Understand your
own emotional behavior. If you are angry, hurt, disappointed or regularly feel
unloved, start to become aware of your own behavior. These feelings show where
the pressures of life are building up inside your body and where you are
perhaps not handling life as well as you should.
4.
Learn to let go.
Raking up the past doesn't help your relationship grow. Things happen. Life
happens and things are said and done in moments of stress, tiredness or
weakness. Realize that what has happened, has happened, and cannot be undone -
process this and move on.
5.
Learn to love
yourself. Many of us become dependent on our partner to make us feel loved and
happy through their actions, words and affection. And when our partner doesn't
have the energy, through stress or tiredness, we are disappointed, feel unloved
and become unhappy, which in turn perpetuates in our partner. Learn that your
love and happiness is independent of your partner's emotional state.
6.
Learn to receive.
Sometimes we are surrounded by love, yet don't feel loved as we are fearful of
opening up and letting people in. Learning to process and release this fear,
and open ourselves to love, can radiate back into our relationships.
Don't be
afraid to ask for help. Sometimes there is too much to handle in life, and our
relationships suffer because we are not at our best. And, in such times, it is
okay to reach out for a little help. Be this a friend, your partner, or seeking
therapy.
