| Q: |
Our son keeps biting the other children at day care. Why is he doing this?
| | A: |
Day care is a fun but challenging place. Your son is learning to
master new skills, and he has to share toys, games, time, and attention
from staff, all of which can lead to feelings of frustration. The best
solution is to figure out when tensions are rising and step in before
things escalate. Ask your child’s key caregiver(s) to watch closely, and
if she sees your child becoming frustrated, for example, trying to take
a toy from another child, to act quickly and distract him with a
different activity. If biting happens, she should say firmly, “No
biting—it hurts,” then remove your child from the play area and keep him
with her for a couple of minutes. The child who has been bitten should
also receive some positive attention. Make sure that your child gets
plenty of praise and encouragement when he behaves appropriately. Biting
is a very common behavior in young children, but very few continue with
it once they start school.
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| Q: |
When we visit my friend, my daughter hits her children. Should I cancel our play dates?
| | A: |
Avoiding the situation will not help your child learn how to
behave appropriately, and may actually reinforce her aggressive
behavior. Being in an unfamiliar environment could be making her feel
insecure and hitting is an effective way to gain your attention. If your
daughter finds it difficult to be with new people, try inviting your
friend (and her children) to your house first so she can get used to
them on familiar territory. When she seems confident with this,
introduce gradually longer visits to your friend’s house. Spend some
time sitting with your child at first—don’t just send her off to play
while you catch up with adult friends. Settle her into an activity with
the other children, and stay with them for a little while. Check in
regularly and make sure to give her plenty of praise and encouragement
when she is playing nicely. This will build your daughter’s confidence
and social skills, encourage more of the behavior you want to see, and
let you keep in touch with your friends!
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| Q: |
My child seems so rough. Will he grow up to be a bully?
| | A: |
Boys tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble play generally. As
long as he is not hurting the other children, it’s probably nothing to
worry about. If your son does hit, it will be in the heat of the moment;
he is too young to think about doing so on purpose. Bullies act the way
they do because they have learned that being aggressive is an
acceptable way to get what they want. Start your son off on the right
track by setting some clear, simple rules so he knows how you expect him
to behave, for example: “Keep your hands and feet to yourself,” “Play
nicely—no hitting,” and “Use your words, not your hands.” Praise him for
following them. When there are arguments, step in and show him how to
resolve things appropriately, since children learn by watching and
copying their parents.
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| Q: |
When he’s upset my son bangs his head against the wall. I’m worried he will hurt himself!
| | A: |
Seeing your child behave in this way is upsetting, but try to
stay calm. Head-banging is probably your son’s way of dealing with very
strong feelings of anger and frustration that he does not understand
yet. Your best strategy is to calm the child, help him label the
emotions he’s feeling, and help him identify other acceptable outlets.
Most children will quickly realize that this behavior hurts and will
soon stop. If you give in and panic, your son will use this behavior all
the more to get what he wants.
If your son is
banging his head at other times and not just when he is having a
tantrum, this may be a sign that he is sick or in pain. Look for any
other signs or symptoms and ask your pediatrician for advice. As your
son’s language skills improve, he will find other ways to let you know
how he is feeling.
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| Q: |
My daughter has been kicked several times by another child at day care. What should I do?
| | A: |
Offer your daughter plenty of reassurance and lots of hugs, and
let her know that you are going to take some action. Unless you know
them, try to resist the temptation to storm in and tackle the situation
yourself by speaking to the child’s parents. This could make things
worse and create lots of bad feeling. Remember that if your children end
up going to the same school, you will have to share the playground for
several uncomfortable years! There may be lots of reasons why this other
child kicked your daughter. He or she may have hit or kicked at other
children, too. If she isn’t doing so already, tell your daughter to
steer clear of this child for the time being. Speak to the day care
staff—share your concerns and check back to see what they are doing
about the situation.
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| Q: |
Should I make my toddler apologize when he hits?
| | A: |
Apologies should be heartfelt and genuine, letting the other
person know that you are truly sorry for what you did and how it made
them feel. As a young toddler, your son is only just beginning to
understand the impact of his actions on others. It will be some time
before he is fully able to put himself in someone else’s shoes and
understand how they feel. If you force him to apologize, he will of
course learn to say what you want to hear, but he is not yet able to
mean it. Making a child apologize, particularly after an upsetting
incident, when emotions are running high, also runs the risk of creating
another problem as they may genuinely feel they have done nothing
wrong. Explain to your son what he did and how the other person feels,
and model apologizing yourself when you make mistakes. In time he will
genuinely feel and say “I’m sorry” when he is more able to see the world
from someone else’s perspective.
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| Q: |
Ever since her sister was born, our daughter has become really
unpleasant. We’ve tried buying her gifts but it doesn’t help.
| | A: |
A new addition to the family is bound to upset the balance of
your daughter’s world. She is used to being the focus of everyone’s
attention and is not going to be happy about sharing the limelight she
has been basking in alone until now. Buying gifts can help to let your
daughter know you are still thinking about her. However, a word of
caution: Your daughter is probably feeling a little displaced, and is
acting up to get some attention. If you then shower her with gifts, you
will be rewarding this behavior, and she will do it all the more. Try to
spend some quality time with her alone and ask her to help take care of
her sister. When you do reward her, make sure it’s because she deserves
it and not because you feel guilty.
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| Q: |
I’m worried about my three-year-old son copying his older brother. Should I keep them apart?
| | A: |
Children learn a huge amount by watching and imitating other
people, particularly those they are close to. Unfortunately, you are not
going to be pleased with everything your child learns this way. By the
age of three, most children can distinguish between fantasy and reality,
so your son will be aware that his older brother is only playing if he
is acting out violent scenarios or play fighting.
However, if you really
don’t want your son to be around when his brother is enjoying some
rough-and-tumble play with his friends, draw your younger child’s
attention to another activity rather than telling your older son to
change what he is doing. Before long, you will probably be encouraging
them to play together and you don’t want your older son to start
resenting his little brother for ruining his fun.
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Little nipper An embarrassing episode
When I went to pick my son
up from his first day at day care, my joy at seeing him quickly turned
to embarrassment and shame when they told me he’d bitten another child.
Although he’d nipped me a couple of times at home, I couldn’t believe
what he had done and just wanted to disappear. The staff were really
kind and understanding, though. They explained how they had taken him
aside for a couple of minutes to calm down, then helped him join in
again with the activities. I tried it myself at home and he got the
message really quickly. My son gets on much better at day care now. He
still gets upset sometimes over sharing toys, but we have no more
biting, so I don’t have to worry about what his caregivers will report
when I pick him up.
Hitting, biting, kicking Some reasons why
Boredom
If a
child lacks stimulation, hitting is an effective way to get some
attention—even negative attention in the form of scolding. Try to keep
your child entertained with fun activities.
Tiredness
None of us
is at our best when we are tired. At these times your child is much more
likely to lash out to let you know he’s had enough.
Hunger, thirst, or illness
Young
children whose language skills are just developing may struggle to
communicate these basic needs. Look for early warning signs to prevent
things from escalating.
Copying others
Children
learn a huge amount by imitating the behavior of other children and
familiar adults—particularly their parents. If children see someone else
get what they want by being aggressive, don’t be surprised if they try
the same strategy themselves.
Frustration, anger, or upset
Young
children want everything “now!” and have poor impulse control, so when
you set limits they will respond by showing you how they feel. As
language skills develop, your child will be able to tell you how he
feels, and aggressive behavior will reduce.
Needing attention
Aggressive behavior is almost guaranteed to get a reaction from parents, so can be used very effectively by children.
Overstimulation
Too
much excitement can result in overenthusiastic play, and children may
hit in the heat of the moment. Giving everyone a few minutes to calm
down can help.
Trying to get something
If
aggressive behavior has been successful in the past, it is far more
likely to be used again. This pattern can be changed by setting firm
limits and responding consistently.
Trying to get out of doing something
Hitting
or kicking usually results in a child being removed from a situation. If
your child doesn’t like a particular activity, he may act in a violent
manner to avoid taking part.
Calmly confident A different approach
We always wanted our
daughter to stand up for herself, so if another child was aggressive
toward her, we used to encourage her to “Hit them back!” However, when
she pushed her little brother over, we realized we had created a problem
and needed to change our approach. We agreed on some simple rules and
praised her for following them. Things are much calmer at home now. Our
daughter is really confident, gets along well with other children, and
knows how to stand up for herself without being aggressive.
Myths and misconceptions Is it true that…
| Q: |
The best way to stop biting is to bite back?
| | A: |
No! This is a very risky strategy and may seriously hurt your child. Clear rules and plenty of praise are safer and far more effective at helping children learn how to behave.
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| Q: |
My child’s aggressive behavior is just attention seeking?
| | A: |
For younger children this may well be true—although there are lots of other reasons for aggressive behavior.
If your child is attention seeking, the important question to ask is
“Why?” Children need attention for a reason, so look at what you can do
to help them.
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| Q: |
Some children are just more aggressive than others?
| | A: |
This is certainly true, but it does not mean that children are born that way.
If children learn that aggressive behavior is acceptable and the best
way to get what they need, then they will continue to use this approach
as they grow up. If your child seems to be very aggressive, consider who
he spends time with: He may be imitating this behavior from the people
who care for him.
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| Q: |
I should practice what I preach?
| | A: |
Yes—you are your child’s most important role model.
If you correct aggressive behavior but behave aggressively yourself,
you give mixed messages and undermine the lessons you are trying to
teach.
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