3–4 Years : Just for Parents (part 1)

“Your child will have developed distinct personality traits by the ages of 3–4. Helping her to learn how to self-manage when she is feeling excitable or anxious will help her to adjust more easily when she is away from home.”

Your toddler is now old enough to be left without you to play with another child in the company of a responsible and mature adult. How long this should be for depends on how well you and your toddler know the other parents and children. It is a nice idea to take the time to get to know your hosts well enough to be able to reach mutual agreement and understanding about “house rules” and attitudes, otherwise it can be a shock to your child to discover that “what goes” at home, is different elsewhere. Tell your host if your child has any particular likes, dislikes, allergies, or personality traits. For example, if she hates tuna and is suddenly confronted with a plateful, she may never want to visit again. Explaining in advance will prevent misunderstandings and help your child enjoy her playdates and want to go again. This is as much for the ease and the benefit of the other parent as for your own peace of mind.

Find out in advance whether the other parent has any plans to do anything out of the ordinary, such as go to the beach or a fair, so that you can prepare your child ahead of time. Your child may become unsettled if she is faced with a new situation and you are not there—and it will also mean you can make sure she takes appropriate clothes.

If you have agreed on a delivery and a pick-up time for your child, try to stick to it. Caring for other people’s toddlers can be exhausting. It is good practice for future relationships between you all if you arrive when you say you will, and it will be reassuring for your child.

Try not to be overprotective of your child for the sake of it. She is more robust than you may realize, and needs your encouragement to develop a sense of independence. A change of environment and new experiences that don’t involve you will be healthy for her. The most important aspect is to make sure she feels safe and is safe wherever she goes. You may want to accompany her on her first playdate with a new friend so that she can familiarize herself with the environment in your company, and you can make sure that you are happy for her to play there.

Playdates at home

If children come to play with your toddler, make sure that they feel very welcome, safe, and secure. Talk about their mommy or daddy so that they do not feel isolated, and if they appear to be nervous or uncertain make sure they are not forced to do anything they are uncomfortable with. Don’t be surprised if your child’s behavior changes when she is with her friends. Her friend is her priority. She wants to be liked and accepted by her and to show independence. Small signs of rebellion are a positive sign that she is developing normally. If you apply the normal behavior guidelines, she will soon understand that normal rules apply.

Now that your child is beginning to understand the difference between right and wrong, she is also developing a sense of social justice. A cry of, “Sam hit me!” has the built-in implication that, “You need to do something about it, Daddy!” This can be a challenge when other people’s children are involved (see Managing a visiting toddler).

The way your child thinks and assesses situations will affect her moral development: for example, a child who has difficulty regulating her own emotions will tend to blame others for her behavior and think that aggressive action is justified. Children see things from their own viewpoint. In the scenario above, your child may have left out the fact that, “Sam hit me because I grabbed the toy he was playing with!”

Your child will want to cooperate far more with other children now, but will continue to need your help in learning how to share. Her tendency may still be to fight rather than use words. You can help her to change the way she deals with disagreements by asking her to say in words how she is feeling and what she would like to happen. Try to smooth things over or encourage the children to resolve the crisis themselves, rather than apportion blame (especially if you didn’t witness what happened). For example, say, “Do you remember what sharing is? Yes? And do you remember how to take turns? That’s good. Let Sam have a turn first please, Sally, because he is the guest. Well done.” Or, “No more hitting, or I will have to ask Sam’s daddy to take him home.”

Playdates

Sibling rivalry

Siblings who are close in age are likely to behave in the ways mentioned here. Parents need to stay objective during scraps and to make sure they do not assume that one child is more to blame than the other. Likewise, if your toddler has an older brother or sister, be ready for jealousy to raise its head. Rivalry among children, for your affection, for toys, or for attention, is completely natural. Remember that rough-and-tumble play may get quite aggressive if an older child finds a younger one very annoying. Avoid casting your older child in the role of “babysitter” when you are busy, but do let her know how much you appreciate her ability to manage her own behavior and tolerate her smaller sibling’s behavior. Encourage each child to appreciate the other and to say “sorry” if they have fallen out.

Role models and parental preferences

As your toddler’s sense of identity and self-image develops, he or she may start to treat their same sex parent as a role model (daddy for little boys and mommy for little girls). This, in turn, can lead to a child developing a preference for their parent of the opposite sex (mommy for boys, daddy for girls) because they are copying daddy or mommy’s example. Most children show this behavior to some extent, but the length of time it lasts and how exaggerated the behavior is can differ greatly between children.

This happens because your child will have a sense of the special relationship between Mommy and Daddy and will want to recreate that for herself. So little girls might want to do everything with Daddy and get very jealous when he wants to spend time with Mommy. Likewise, little boys may tell Daddy to “go away” if he talks to Mommy. He or she might also talk about wanting to marry Mommy or Daddy. This is all perfectly normal and children grow out of it. It is a sign of how much they look up to you and want to be like you. Remember: it is not a rejection of you but an important part of your child’s social and emotional development.

Dear Tanya