The Husband
Matt: ‘This Christmas I’ll be buying
lingerie for my wife and a leather writing folder for my mistress – an
indication of how well I know the women in my life. Even though I realise Kate
is being very understanding, I’m not looking forward to the celebrations themselves.
I hope it’ll be better than last Christmas. But even if it isn’t, I’m not
really in a position to say ‘no’ to my wife about anything.
“Having Rebecca to stay over last Christmas
was incredibly weird. We had only just started sleeping together then. Seeing a
wife and his mistress being friendly should be every man’s dream, but oddly it
was a real turn-off. Kate forbade me from sleeping with Rebecca that night, but
she needn’t have bothered saying anything, as I felt far too humiliated to have
sex.
“It took my relationship with Rebecca
several weeks to recover after that, probably as a result of my guilt about
Kate. I sensed my daughter’s disapproval, too, and can’t imagine that has
changed. To be honest, my daughter’s contempt towards me was harder to deal
with than Kate’s pain.
“I didn’t set out to have an affair with
Rebecca. At first, I just wanted her to like me. By the time I realised that
she did, I was already in too deep.
“I know it seems strange, but it didn’t
feel like my relationship with Rebecca had anything to do with my marriage.
I’ve never questioned my feelings for Kate and still love her as much as I ever
did. But relationships don’t stay the same. That early intensity of wanting to
be with someone all the time sadly passes. I guess that’s what attracted me to
Rebecca.
“But once we’d slept together, I knew I
couldn’t give her up. It’s hard for me to imagine my life without her now. But
I’ve never promised I’ll leave my wife for her, and she’s never asked me to.
“That first Christmas together was torture.
Every time Rebecca came near me I wanted to touch her. But then I’d catch Kate
looking at us and feel as if my heart would break with guilt. I deliberately
drank to avoid confronting the pain I was causing. I felt I was messing up not
just my marriage, but also Rebecca’s life. There have been times when I can’t
even bear to think about what I have done, especially after I saw Kate giving
Rebecca a bottle of perfume.
“Worst of all was not knowing which woman
to talk to over dinner. I couldn’t be myself and kept trying to remember whom
I’d spoken to last so neither of them would feel neglected. Really, I would
have preferred to have been alone.
“Of course I feel ashamed that my behaviour
makes Kate unhappy. I completely accept that I am flattered by Rebecca’s
feelings for me and that I’m being vain and selfish. But I’m lucky enough never
to have been presented with an ultimatum by either woman. I sometimes wonder
whether Kate is deliberately making friends with Rebecca to sabotage my affair.
But if she chooses to sit there pulling Christmas crackers with my mistress, I
can’t really argue.”
His Lover
Rebecca: “My biggest worry right now is
what to buy Kate for Christmas. Matt says that she likes Chritian Dior
cosmetics, but that might seem insulting coming from me. Last time I satyed
with them over Christmas, Kate bought me perfume and that made me feel terribly
guilty. All I had got for her was a bottle of champagne. I had never given Matt
any presents, just in case Kate saw them, but now she knows about is I will
probably get him a scarf that he said he like.
“Before I met Matt, when I was 25, I had
never had any serious boyfriends. I was just too busy with my career. The
longest relationship I’d had lasted around six months before he left to go
overseas. I knew Matt was a womaniser from the moment I met him, so I thought I
would be immune to his charm. But, to my surprise, I found that I was genuinely
attracted to him. We first started the affair about six months later, meeting
at a hotel near the office.
“I didn’t know what a good marriage Matt
had until I met Kate during that first Christmas we spent together. I thought
from the way he came on to me that he was unhappy or lonely in the
relationship. I know that is no excuse, but by the time I had met Kate and
realised what a great person she was, it was too late for me to change how I
felt about Matt.
“I do feel guilty about Kate, of course,
especially as she has always been so kind to me. I was dreading spending
Christmas there at first. But when I saw them at home, with all their little
domestic routines, like whose turn it was to load the dishwasher or Matt taking
their dog for a walk each night, I suddenly felt I was smashing into someone
else’s life. Strangely, it didn’t make me feel jealous, though. I saw it as the
sort of relationship I would like to have with someone. I was relieved when he
said we couldn’t sleep together as I don’t think I could ever have faced Kate
again. It would have been like having sex in my mum and dad’s house.
“I’m not much looking forward to seeing
Matt’s teenage daughter again. Last time, we played Scrabble and I could feel
her willing me to lose. I don’t blame her for disliking me, but then I am not
responsible for Matt leaving her mother, which happened long before Matt and
Kate got together.
“Kate and I nevr refer directly to the
affair, even though she does know it is continuing. My older sister, who has
just got engaged, thinks I am crazy to be mixed up in someone else’s marriage.
My parents just pretend that it isn’t happening. But it suits me to live the
way I do, and I don’t intend ending our affair until Matt or I decided our
relationship has come to its natural conclusion. Kate’s probably right to
accept it for now, although I don’t think I could. Every day I wonder how long
we can go on living like this. I know that Kate and I can’t continue to share
Matt indefinitely. Next Christmas could be very different – for all of us.”
