You and your baby will have a deep instinct for
closeness and bonding which is driven by your need to nurture and his to
survive. “Attachment” is a child’s overwhelming need to be near to a
particular person who represents safety and comfort—this is usually, but
not always, a parent.
“Learning to ‘let
go’ is a challenge that is faced by parents at every developmental
milestone as their children begin to separate from them and grow up.”
Once your growing
toddler learns who “Mommy,” “Daddy,” and his other main caregivers are,
the attachment to those individuals increases and his cries will become
targeted more toward them. Your toddler may develop attachment
relationships with more than one person and each relationship is unique.
It is at this age that anxiety about separation peaks.
Fathers are much more
involved in child care today than in previous generations and may be the
primary caregiver in the family, and the person the child becomes the
most attached to in the early months. Boys, in particular, benefit from
having a positive male role model, since as they get older it is
important for their sense of identity and developing self-esteem.
Attachment behavior was
written about by psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907–1990). It is a deeply
instinctive response and ensures that your toddler gets the attention he
needs. It is an important factor in the development of his identity,
and a strong motivator for keeping him safe.
Attachment between carer and child represents:
Safety—a safe base from which to explore the world.
Survival—ensures the proximity of the caregiver and therefore better care.
Learning—about
personal needs and personal control, as well as the understanding that
the way he behaves can have an effect on someone else. It’s important to
try not to allow your own need for closeness to overwhelm or inhibit
your toddler’s ability to learn his own way and become more
self-sufficient.
Closeness—provides
a model for later relationships and can teach us how to empathize and
see situations from another’s perspective. By allowing your toddler the
freedom to experiment and learn from new experiences, without judgement
and criticism, you will be helping him build self-confidence and
self-esteem. Attachment starts as a survival mechanism, but also helps
us learn about emotions and intimacy in preparation for relationships in
later life. Many children need help in learning to be separate from
their trusted person or family as they get older. This is all part of
growing up.
A child’s attachment
behavior is most likely to show when he is stressed: perhaps when
separated from a trusted adult, or because of an overwhelming need for
something he wants immediately. A toddler’s brain does not yet know how
to deal with time and so does not know how to wait; nor will he
understand that when you disappear you may still be nearby and will
return. This leads to separation anxiety. The intensity of the
separation anxiety and how long it lasts depends on both the child’s
need for the parent, and the parent’s need for the child. Every
parent–child relationship is different, even within the context of a
single family. It depends on the unique mix of the child’s temperament
and how the parent responds to it. Every parent was once a child and
seeing your own child grow and responding to his vulnerabilities can
trigger deep memories of your own experience of childhood, and will
affect your style of response . For some parents this can be a challenge.
Natural instincts
Your baby has an automatic reflex that makes him cry when in need
of food or comfort, and you are programmed to protect him and respond to
his needs.
The parent–child connection
Young toddlers may
find it hard to cope when their parent or caregiver is not there. This
is because they cannot yet understand that someone or something that is
out of view still exists and can reappear. This is not a matter of
philosophy! It is simply that the memory systems of the brain are not
fully developed. For the same reason, your toddler has no real concept
of time and can’t tell the difference between 10 minutes and one hour,
or yesterday, today, or tomorrow. He knows only what he can see and what
he wants, in the here and now.
Understanding
this is important because your child might find separation from you
difficult until he has reached a certain level of cognitive development.
A baby as young as six months old will catch on to the fact that an
object still exists even when it is hidden, but may struggle for much
longer to deal with or understand that Mommy and Daddy still exist when
they are in another room. A parent’s absence is more stressful than the
whereabouts of a hidden toy, and so a baby brain will find it harder to
hold onto the concept that Mommy or Daddy will return.
Interestingly, separation
anxiety is at its peak at about 15 months and then slowly reduces; this
coincides with the development of language, which is linked to the
development of memory and reasoning skills. By now your child will have
had more experiences of separation, too, and will have begun to learn
that Mommy and Daddy always return.
Coping with your own anxieties
Parents feel separation
anxiety, too, and it may be you rather than your child who feels the
pain of separation most acutely when you have to leave him with a
caregiver.
To make the process of leaving him easier, remember:
Make sure your toddler feels comfortable and is familiar with his new surroundings before you leave him for the first time.
Don’t fuss too much before you go, or he may pick up on your anxiety and become upset.
Your
child will be more comfortable if you leave him with familiar toys and
encourage the caregiver to keep to a routine (but if this is not
possible, a change in routine will not be damaging to you or your
child).
Have enough faith in your parenting to know that your child has the skills to manage and is not going to fall apart without you.
If
you are a working parent, make a conscious effort to build up your
support network of family and other parents, so that you have people you
can call on in an emergency, or if you are held up at work. Knowing you
have other people to rely on can help to minimize your stress.
Even
though you may have a busy evening ahead, take some time to reassure
and reconnect with your child in a relaxed and unhurried way when you
first return to him at the end of the day.
Real life
I had always said I would go
back to work after Pippa was born. I was looking forward to having my
baby, but it was a personal wish, as well as a financial necessity.
However, nothing could have prepared me for the strong feelings of love I
have for my baby girl. When she was 12 months old I returned to my
full-time job, but I still feel dreadful about it every day. Pippa now
spends two days a week with her grandparents and three days with a
babysitter. She often cries when I leave her, which wrenches my heart,
even though I know it’s normal and she’s perfectly happy and safe.
All the time I feel guilty
at leaving her, worried about whether I have done the right thing, and
sometimes quite resentful toward our lovely babysitter—simply because
she spends so much time with her. I tell myself that Pippa is well
looked after, she is not coming to any harm, she is getting used to
other people and that she is very well loved. In truth, I think it is
harder for me than it is for her. She is getting loads of attention and
having a lovely time. I just didn’t realize how hard the adjustment
would be. Her father and I try to make up for it by spending as much
time playing with her on the weekends as possible. So Pippa gets the
best of both worlds, really!
Early baby bonding
During the first year of
life a baby moves quite rapidly through different stages of attachment
and acceptance of the people around him. In comparison to toddlers, many
babies are quite relaxed with new people. Separation anxiety begins
later and coincides with the development of language and memory, peaking
during months 12-18.
Flanagan, C. (1996)
Table
| Age | Stage | Behavior |
|---|
| 0-2 months | Asocial attachments | Babies
respond similarly to both people and things until they are around two
months old when they start to recognize faces and voices and will settle
more easily with someone who is familiar. |
| 2-7 months | Indiscriminate attachments | Small babies will have some preference for familiar faces, but are generally at ease with new people, too. |
| 7-9 months | Specific attachments | Will have formed a main attachment to their primary caregiver and can be very anxious and distressed around strangers. |
| 9 months + | Multiple attachments | By
nine months will become attached to several familiar and important
figures, such as relatives, siblings, and frequent visitors. |
Choosing Child Care
“Should I work and pay for
child care, or take care of my child myself?” This is the very difficult
dilemma faced by thousands of parents with preschool aged children. The
fact is that the right to choose to work has fast turned into an
economic necessity.
“It is completely natural
to want to compensate your child for your absence, but giving her extra
treats to make up for the time you are away can be counter-productive
in the long-term.”
The long-term
ramifications for today’s children, or society as a whole, of being in
child care while their parents go to work is the subject of much
discussion. The work/child care debate is an emotional issue that will
go on and on.
While there is no
doubt that children benefit from the constant care of a loving parent,
there is no reason why a child should be disadvantaged by being cared
for by someone else as well. In fact, there are advantages to getting
small children used to the company of adults outside the immediate
family, provided they are helped to manage their natural anxiety (see The Bond Between you and your Child).
Your feelings
In reality, it is you as
the parent, rather than your child, who may feel an acute sense of
separation. It can be hard to return from work to find, for example,
that your child has spoken his first word or taken his first steps with
the babysitter rather than you. But once you have made the decision to
use child care, a sense of pragmatism is essential, coupled with the
desire to make time for your children when you are at home, instead.
Choosing a caregiver
A young toddler
needs ideally to be with someone who listens to him, notices his needs,
responds accordingly, and makes a positive contribution toward shaping
his behavior, without trying to take the place of his parents. This is
the key to successful child care. You need to feel comfortable with the
child care you have chosen, otherwise your child may pick up on your
anxiety and become anxious himself.
Decide in advance what
your main concerns are for your child and what qualities you want in
your caregiver. Make a note of your toddler’s likes and dislikes and the
family routine, if you would like it followed. If you are able to call
on a relative or friend to care for your child, you should go through
the same briefing process as you would if leaving your child with a
total stranger, so there can be no room for later misunderstanding. A
work child-care center is an ideal scenario for both child and parent,
but unfortunately these are still the exception to the rule.
Introducing a caregiver
It can be valuable to make
time for your toddler to get used to the new caregiver before you
return to work. A child can become overwhelmed easily by a stranger, or
even a relative or friend, who wants to hold him or make close facial or
eye contact far too soon. You can make sure this doesn’t happen by
explaining that you would like to allow time for your child to relax and
get used to the new situation at his own pace.
Don’t leave the
caregiver alone with your child initially. Allow him or her to chatter
or interact while your child is close to you. It is too soon for any
physical contact at this stage.
Let
your child lead the first contact with the caregiver. Watch for eye
contact or a smile and make sure that your child is comfortable before
the caregiver begins to focus on him.
Once your child seems interested and comfortable, encourage him to play alongside you while you and the caregiver talk.
After
a while, encourage the caregiver to play with your child at his level.
Watch the body language and eye contact between them—and especially
notice how your child is reacting.
Once your child is warming toward the caregiver, try retreating a bit, or perhaps leave the room.
See
what happens. Don’t allow your child to become severely distressed, but
don’t fuss unnecessarily. An able caregiver will have lots of effective
distraction techniques.
Coping with separation
How a child copes with
being separated from you depends on his innate character, and how you
cope with leaving him. Some children’s first experience of separation
from a parent may coincide with their first experience of being with
other children. There is bound to be a period of adjustment, but if the
caregiver is responsive and the environment positive, he will probably
adjust more quickly than you.
Away from home
Children are very adaptable and if you have found the right
caregiver and environment, your child will soon settle into it.
The right environment
Whichever type of child
care you have chosen, word-of-mouth recommendations and feedback from
other parents can be very helpful. There is also a wealth of
professional organizations that can offer advice.
Spending some time in new surroundings with your child before leaving
him for the first time will make it easier for both of you; and seeing
how the other children respond to the caregiver will help you make a
judgement about whether the environment is right for your needs. If you
know your child is happy, rather than distressed about your return to
work, you will be free to focus instead on your career and developing
another side of your life.
