Positive consequences
Rewards for good
behavior do not need to be elaborate. Giving your child a hug, praising
her, playing a game that she likes, letting her choose a book to read,
or collecting beads or stickers
is often enough. The most effective method is to reward frequently, but
not necessarily for everything or every time. For example, if you are
having difficulty with a particular issue, such as getting your child to
sit in her car seat, give her rewards more frequently initially, and
then start to phase them out as she learns and adjusts her behavior.
Simple rewards
Allowing your child to help with a task can be a reward for good
behavior. Being able to do anything with Mommy or Daddy will still be a
big incentive at this age.
Negative consequences
Introducing
negative consequences for unwanted behavior serves two main purposes.
One is to create a negative association between the behavior and its
effect (for example, by removing your attention or a favorite toy). The
other is to put some distance between your child and her behavior (for
example by ignoring, or using “time out”). A negative consequence does
not mean that you should shout or hit, which would be counterproductive
(see The problem with spanking).
In the case of a young child, any negative consequence should be
limited to a short length of time no longer than 3–4 minutes.
The use of “time out”
“Time out” is the
immediate removal of your child from a situation where she is being too
disruptive or dangerous and it should only be used as a last resort. It
is an extension of the ignoring procedures described earlier and should be used only when all other methods have failed, otherwise it will lose its effectiveness.
The basic rules of using and applying “time out” are:
Tell your child she is going to spend some time in “time out,” now.
Lead her to her bedroom or another safe area (carry her there if necessary), and close the door.
Tell
her you are going to hold the door shut for three minutes (one minute
for each year of her life—no more and no less), and in that time you
want her to calm down and be ready to say sorry. By holding the door she
knows you are there and is aware she has not been locked in.
Ignore
her behavior, what she says, and everything she does for the next three
minutes. Remember that she needs to realize that she is on her own and
that you disapprove of her behavior.
When the time is up, crouch down and look your child in the eye. Explain to her clearly and firmly why she was in “time out.”
Ask her to apologize to whoever deserves the apology.
If
she is not ready to calm down or apologize, repeat the process, but
don’t do it with anger or vindictiveness. Remember that the reason for
using this technique is so that your child learns that her bad behavior
has negative consequences.
Then follow up with a hug to show her that you have all moved on.
The amazing power of stickers
By the age of 3–4 your toddler
will probably be able to understand a sticker chart—one of the clearest
ways to introduce incentives, rewards, and consequences “on the spot”
and on the move. There are different types, depending on whether you
want to improve a specific behavior, such as “Sit nicely at the table,”
“Stay in bed quietly,” or for more general behavior shaping, such as
curbing tantrums for a specific period of time.
A sticker chart has four very simple functions—it shows your child:
Children love stickers and
find it easy to understand how well or badly they are doing by looking
at their chart. They are a valuable way for both parent and child to see
the pathway of progress and success, as well as identifying weak spots
and setbacks. Collecting colored balls or large beads can be an
effective alternative to using stickers.
A sticker chart is
something you create with your child. If you involve her in the process,
she will consider the chart is “hers” and will care more about winning
her stickers. First, decide how you are going to use the chart. Is it
for improving her sleep patterns? Is it to maintain good behavior on a
long journey? Don’t try to use one chart for more than one purpose at a
time. The time frame for measuring behavior needs to be short and fixed.
Award a sticker every 5–10 minutes during the course of an hour as a
reward for good behavior (no sticker for bad behavior). There should be
the promise of a tangible reward at the end of the time frame if at
least 75 percent of the stickers have been earned. (You may decide that
50 percent deserves a reward if the improvement has been significant.)
You must keep to your promise if it is to work.
What you want her to do.
How you want her to behave.
How long you want her to behave for.
How she will be rewarded.
Real life
We had recently moved and
our youngest child, Karen, was scared of her new bedroom. The
combination of a new environment and having a room to herself was
proving too much. We considered asking her older sister to share with
her, but that seemed unfair and was giving in to the fear. Instead, we
tried to help Karen get used to her room by having a bedroom “picnic
party” and involving her in choosing how to decorate it. She got used to
the new situation within a couple of weeks and now loves her room.
Real life
I can remember being
spanked when we were children. Everyone was spanked in those days; it’s
not that our mother was being deliberately cruel. However, I can also
remember the day it stopped. My brother must have been nearly four years
old when he took to hitting back. Mom has said since that she realized
at that moment that it was pointless. We have my brother to thank for
discovering that talking was the better way forward. I have never needed
to lay a hand on my children (although I have been tempted!). My
brother feels even more strongly that it is never an acceptable way for
an adult to treat a child.
Lawrence Kohlberg
Lawrence
Kohlberg (1927–1987), an American psychologist, showed that young
children are capable of feeling shame and guilt. He devised five stages
of moral reasoning that demonstrate how children’s development
progresses.
Stages 1 and 2 are
usually evident in very young children. Stages 3 and 4 are more likely
to develop during adolescence. Not everyone develops the traits listed
at level 5.
Stage 1
A child’s
behavior is governed by adults who tell her what is “right” and what is
“wrong.” She has no ability to consider the needs and feelings of
others, so actions are determined by her own needs and feelings or by
what adults say is the right thing to do.
Stage 2
She
becomes more aware of others’ feelings and needs, but this influences
behavior only when it links with her own needs and wants.
Stage 3
She knows
what it means to be “good” and becomes more concerned with how others
view her. She feels guilt or shame if she does something that others
might disapprove of.
Stage 4
She
develops an understanding that rules and laws govern society’s behavior.
How she acts depends upon how her views fit in with these common goals.
Stage 5
She understands human rights and social welfare and uses ethical judgement and behavior.
Warnings and countdowns
Your toddler needs
time to remember that there are consequences for unwanted behavior and
to make a choice about her next action. A warning allows her to have
some control over her behavior and to make amends. For example, tell
her, “I am going to count to three, and then I want you to get into
bed…. 1, 2, 3.” Once she becomes familiar with warnings, and especially
if you use them consistently, they often become sufficient in themselves
to manage her behavior, especially as she starts to develop moral
reasoning skills.
The naughty step
There has been
widespread use of a variation of “time out” in recent years called “the
naughty step.” If the procedure is followed as for “time out,”, this too
can work.
Beware, however, that in
calling it the “naughty” step, you are focusing on the behavior rather
than the gap between the unwanted behavior and the positive outcome. You
are also very dependent upon the location of the step so a portable mat
may be more effective. Avoid things becoming physical if you have to
resort to holding your child down on the step. “Time out” should ideally
be applicable anywhere it is needed, from your home to the home of a
friend, to a doctor’s office, or in a supermarket. Remember, you can use
“time out” when your child is in the same room as you, but do not make
eye contact or talk to him.
