Like many married-with-kids jugglers, my husband and I look
back fondly L on our pre-children days. We were together for more than four
years before our first daughter came along, and we had many fun times and
adventures, from spontaneous overseas holidays to regular Sunday hangovers.
Over the past few years, we have fully embraced our lives as parents - but what
about couples who opt not to?
DINKS (double
income, no kids)
Such childfree - not childless, thank you! - couples are
often called DINKS (double income, no kids). But it's a cohort that often finds
itself misunderstood or even ostracised as their friends procreate.
DINKS support groups complain on websites that "people
with children" get a better deal from the Government, retailers or anyone
else with something to sell or dole out. They feel as if they're treated like
second-class citizens, while breeders get all the attention. Plus, they're fed
up with the pressure to have children.
Christine, a West Beach DINK, shared her surprise and dismay
that friends were unsupportive when she and her husband told them they planned
not to have children. "Too many conversations, painful moments and
emotional emails to recount," she said. "But the statement that best
sums it all up was when a very close couple told us that they did not see us in
their lives anymore as we were making the ‘unnatural choice'."
Vicki, a North Adelaide DINK, found that she and her friends
with kids all mutually went their separate ways. "We just didn't have
anything in common anymore," she said. "I got sick of talking about
night feeds and nappies, while my friends didn't want to talk about anything
but their children."
Ah, dilemmas dilemmas...
Which brings me to the million dollar question... can
breeders and DINKS be friends? Or, should DINKS play with DINKS, and SICKS
(single income, complete with kids) stick with DICKS (double income, complete
with kids)?
SICKS (single
income, complete with kids)
I have contemplated this question for a while, primarily
because as a mother with two children, I have just three friends that do not
have kids.
One is yet to meet Mr Right, one is perfectly content with a
great career and her penchant for Louis Vuitton accessories (and not genuine
imitation versions either), and the third truly wants a child but is having
trouble falling pregnant.
As you can imagine, this creates an interesting dynamic. And
it's really made me question whether or not I can maintain these friendships.
DICKS (double
income, complete with kids)
Initially, I blamed the DINKS friends I have. They were too
busy living their lives to care about my kids. They couldn't possibly
understand what life was like when you're juggling day care, toilet training,
solids and siblings at the same time. Not to mention grocery shopping, date
night, house cleaning and a job.
But then it dawned on me - the problem isn't my friends that
don't have children, it's me! As a parent, my life has become so wrapped up in
what my kids are doing that I rarely think to talk about anything else. A day
of Peppa Pig, dry ‘big girl' knickers and kindergym has become more important
than the big project I just finished at work.
I realised that, to truly be friends with DINKS, I have to
be sensitive to the fact that they are not aware of the trials, tribulations or
absolute privilege of being a parent. And, without first-hand experience, how
can they possibly understand how hard it is to conjure up a babysitter to meet
for a quick, impromptu cup of coffee? The reality is they can't.
However, I was without children once, which makes me far
better equipped to understand where they are coming from.
