| Q: |
Our son is bored with our ideas for things we could do together. How can we get him interested?
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Satisfying your son’s inquiring mind is the key to keeping him
interested in doing things with you. When you’re out together, take
advantage of his natural curiosity by creating family challenges. In the
countryside or local park, you can set “seeking” tasks, such as
identifying five different kinds of tree or three types of birds. Time
trials work well and run off energy, so see who can be fastest to run
back to the car or around the edge of the playing field. On special
outings, target places of interest to him such as historic sites or
particular museums. You’ll find there are often trails or activity
sheets to complete as you explore. As friends are becoming a more
important part of his life encourage him to invite someone along. He’ll
enjoy the company, and you’ll still share time with him. At home he’ll
probably want to satisfy his competitive spirit by playing games with
you, such as two-player video games and board games. He might enjoy
making a meal or washing the car with you, or researching possible
holiday destinations on the internet.
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| Q: |
My daughter has become defiant. I don’t want to spend time with her. What can I do?
| | A: |
It’s easy to get caught up in a negative pattern like this. What
starts as a few clashes can build up until you and your child have fewer
and fewer good times together. With disagreements dominating your
lives, each of you may find it hard to see the positive in the other.
As the adult in
the relationship, it is up to you to break this pattern. Make a
conscious effort to identify things about your daughter that you like or
are helpful. Look for the smallest virtue—perhaps she gets up on time,
eats her breakfast when you ask, or hangs up her coat as she comes in.
Begin to praise and comment on her good qualities, soften your
expression as you speak to her, and show her some physical affection.
This may seem forced at first, but making yourself notice and
acknowledge her good points is the precursor to feeling genuinely warm
toward her. At the beginning she may be suspicious of this behavior,
even asking you what you’re after. Don’t be discouraged; this means
she’s noticed that things have changed. This may be a long process,
since you are each undoing months of conflict, but when you are
relentless in pursuing the positive, she’ll find it hard not to warm up,
too.
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| Q: |
I’m a slave to my child but hardly get to talk to her. How can I get some time to relax?
| | A: |
It is definitely time for your child to start helping herself
rather than requiring you to run around after her. Support her
transition from helpless to helpful by giving her some clear guidelines.
Explain that, as she’s getting more grown-up, you are prepared to give
her some responsibilities for herself. Put this way it can seem like a
privilege to do more, rather than a result of your frustration.
Start small, by asking
that she get her own drinks, make herself simple snacks such as toast or
a sandwich, and pack her own school bag each morning. Make sure all the
tasks are achievable—you may need to rearrange the kitchen a little so
she can reach the plates and food items she needs. If she’s going to
make hot drinks or food, teach her to do this safely. She’ll probably
continue the habit of asking you for things for a while, but a polite
reminder of her new skills and responsibilities should get her helping
herself.
With your new-found
free time, consider what you’d like to do with your daughter and enjoy
the extra family time you have available.
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| Q: |
My child won’t attend family meetings. Should we try again?
| | A: |
This must have been disappointing. However, your daughter is in a
rapid phase of development and may have a different view if you try
again. Encourage her by putting forward only positive topics for the
first few meetings—for example, ideas for planning an upcoming
celebration, or redecorating a room of the house. Gradually introduce
more challenging subjects, such as chores or curfew, once meetings are
established. Do hold the meeting even if your daughter does not attend;
each time you meet, you demonstrate your willingness to involve her in
family decisions. Eventually, she will be ready to take part.
When family meetings
are dominated by crises or misbehavior, they can be punishing for
everyone, and your child may opt out by not coming to them at all or
refusing to speak. If you need to manage misbehavior, try to do this
between yourself and your child in private.
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| Q: |
My son and I are both stubborn. How can I prevent arguments?
| | A: |
There are definite advantages in your child’s stubbornness; an
ability to pursue his goals with confidence and persistence goes with
the territory. However, as you have found, being stubborn often means
being unwilling to compromise, and the possibility of winning an
argument keeps you both in conflict. Try a different challenge: Instead
of seeking the buzz of victory, try daring each other to find a
solution. Slow down the argument so you have time to listen, consider
each others’ needs, and come up with ideas. Give yourselves a score out
of 10 for each disagreement—higher points meaning you’ve come up with
more ways to compromise. Lastly, consider whether there is a reason you
feel you must “win.” Question whether this is how you want to be as a
parent, and find the negotiator in yourself if you can.
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| Q: |
What might be a good way to structure our family meetings?
| | A: |
Make a list of topics to talk about: Start by asking each person
to name one thing they want to have a decision on. Try to get a balance
of positive issues with one or two negatives to resolve. For example, a
typical list might be: How often are sleepovers allowed? Should we go
bowling or to a movie this weekend? For more privacy, should there be a
lock on the bathroom and bedroom doors? No one is cleaning the
cat-litter box—whose job is it?
Discuss topics one by
one, and ask each family member if they have an opinion on it. Listen
carefully: You are trying to reach a consensus or a compromise. For
example, if three out of four of you want to go bowling then you have a
majority view and will probably opt to go bowling. On the privacy issue,
there may be mixed views and safety to consider, so a compromise could
be to have locks on the bathroom and “Knock before entering” signs on
bedroom doors.
There may be times
when you exercise the right to make the final decision in family
meetings. You have the responsibility to ensure that decisions are
reasonable and achievable so, on certain topics, let your child know you
will have the deciding vote. For example, she might argue for three
exotic holidays a year while you know the budget stretches to just one
trip. If so, tell her the range of choice she has; set out the price
range, and possibly the option of two short trips or one longer one, and
then start the debate.
Finish off your
meeting with a round of positive comments. You could invite each person
to tell a joke or relate the best thing that happened to them in the
past week. These small examples of sharing will end the meeting on an
upbeat note.
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Getting along Sharing a bedroom
My two sons share a
bedroom but have very different styles. One likes everything neat, while
the other spreads his stuff out everywhere. They get on each others’
nerves all the time. In the end I swapped their bunk beds for twin beds
to divide the room more easily, and made each responsible for their own
half. Each has chosen the decorations and posters for his part of the
room, and this has given them more pride in their space. They’ve agreed
set times to put on their own music or an audiobook, and how to politely
ask each other to turn the volume down. It doesn’t always work, but
there are fewer fiery moments. Despite the challenges, room-sharing
seems to be teaching them to be more considerate of each other, and
they’re getting plenty of practice in negotiating.
Having a good argument
It can be a positive learning experience for your child to see you have a good argument.
You model negotiation and problem-solving skills for him during a
“successful” disagreement, in which you are reasonable, calm, and find a
solution together. It is not good for him, however, if arguments
involve shouting, put-downs or bad language, dredging up the past, or
hurting each other physically or in any other way. This creates anxiety
and affects his sense of safety and security.
If arguments are a
problem for your child or yourself, seek help to improve your
relationships. Find a local therapist or speak to your doctor about
other local resources.
Family meetings
Hundreds of
decisions are being made in your family every day—what to have for
dinner, who can come to play, where to go on a weekend outing, and many
more. As your child matures he may want to
play a greater role in this process and voice his preferences. Try
having family meetings: a somewhat formal gathering of the whole family
as an opportunity to discuss large and small issues, take everyone’s
point of view into account, and make decisions together.
Family meetings
work best when they happen regularly and become a habit or tradition.
Once a month, for about half an hour to an hour might be enough for your
family, or more frequently if you have plenty to talk about. Set
a time for the meeting and find a place where everyone can sit
together, perhaps around the dining table. Turn off distractions such as
the TV and computer so you can all concentrate. It may be tempting to
have your meeting during a meal but it can be difficult to try to eat
and concentrate on a serious subject at the same time.
NOTE
Support your child’s transition from helpless to helpful by giving her clear guidelines
Showing an interest Get more from mealtimes
Your child may be more
independent, have his friends for companionship, and no longer rely on
you the way he did, but you are still the person he’ll turn to first to
share his achievements or disasters. Like many families you may be “time
poor,” with adults juggling work or studying and trying to get to the
gym each week while school, sports, clubs, and friendships keep your
child on the go. However, even on a busy day, it will be the short
periods of high-quality communication that help keep your family
connected.
Eating together
Where does your family do
most of its talking? For many it will be at the dinner table while you
enjoy your food. Meals are your opportunity to catch up, share the day’s
events, and gauge the emotional temperature of your family. This daily
dose of communication allows you to pick up on moods, either positive or
troubling, notice achievements, or soothe tensions as they arise, all
helping to strengthen your bonds.
Get the most from mealtimes
Be flexible about timing to try to get as many family members at the table as you can. Start the conversation and use open-ended questions to get people talking. Make
mealtimes distraction free. You will be able to concentrate on each
others’ conversation if the television, mobile phones, and handheld
games consoles are turned off. Cook together. Preparing and sharing food together is one way you can express the care you have for your family. No
pressure. Minimize mealtime stress by staying calm and avoiding nagging
or pleading if your child is fussy or slow with his food. No
time? If you simply can’t get to eat together, find other connection
points in the day. Good talking times can be found when your child is
just in from school having a snack before he heads out to play or when
he’s winding down and you’re tucking him up at night.
Happy eating
Keep mealtimes calm and
stress free by discussing the day’s events, while trying not to nag your
child about table manners or berate her for a previous misdemeanor.
Junior chef
Getting your child to
help you with meal preparation or just spending time together baking
increases opportunities to catch up, teaches your child valuable life
skills, and takes some pressure off of you.
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