| Q: |
My child and I always clash over her sleep patterns—she says I don’t understand. Who is right?
| | A: |
You both probably are! It is true that it is typical for
teenagers to shift to a sleeping pattern of later bedtimes and later
rising over the weekends. However, overall she may be getting less sleep
than if she had a consistently earlier bedtime. But staying up late is
about watching late-night TV, going to parties and clubs, being awake
when all the adults are asleep—it’s exciting and it’s what teenagers do.
There is also some evidence that young people’s brains function better
later in the day.
If you think that she
is sleep-deprived and that this is affecting her mood and her
schoolwork, you may need to find a compromise. Try working out how many
hours sleep a week you both think she needs, and see if you can agree on
a figure somewhere in between hers and yours. Then agree an earlier
bedtime on school nights and later rising times over the weekend. Give
it a trial for a week or two and see if you notice improvements.
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| Q: |
My daughter’s first serious boyfriend has just broken up with her
and she is inconsolable. How do I help her get over him?
| | A: |
The pain and heartbreak of your daughter’s first rejection by a
boyfriend is something you can’t prepare her for. Since she has nothing
to compare this experience with, your daughter may feel overwhelmed with
emotion, so take this loss seriously. At first she may feel as if her
whole world has collapsed and there is little you can say to make her
feel better. Pearls of wisdom such as, “There are plenty more fish in
the sea,” will not help! Also resist the temptation to sound off about
the cruel and heartless teenager who has upset your daughter, since she
will still have very strong feelings for him, and this could put you in
an awkward position if they get back together. Once her first tears have
passed she may want to discuss what happened or she may turn to friends
for support. Keep an eye out for any behaviors which suggest your
daughter is struggling to deal with the loss of this relationship. It is
reasonable to expect her to take to her room and play favorite songs on
repeat, but self-punishing, risky or revengeful behavior will not help.
Make sure you keep the tissues handy, be free with your hugs, offer a
shoulder to cry on (literally), and indulge her with a few extra treats.
A shopping trip for new clothes or a joint haircut or beauty treatment
will give you an opportunity to chat away from the situation and help
her feel good about herself.
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| Q: |
My daughter wears her heart on her sleeve. I am worried this may make her vulnerable?
| | A: |
The ability to feel an emotion but not express it is quite a
sophisticated skill and actually, teenagers are not very good at it. It
is a developing skill, and she may learn to tone down the intensity of
her expressed emotion, or learned not to blurt out emotionally laden
words, but has not yet learned to hide it completely or substitute a
more acceptable emotional expression. The obvious is the cool
nonchalance of the “no problem” teen attitude, masking the inner teenage
turmoil of anxiety, self-doubt, and distress. She will get better at
showing acceptable levels of emotion in her peer group, because she will
want to learn the rules in order to be part of that group. In fact, it
can be a useful way of learning how to manage inner feelings.
“Fake it till you make
it” really works: Acting as if you are calm and cool has the effect of
reducing anxiety. She will also find that others will react positively
to her for putting on a strong front and thus “reinforce” this behavior,
making her want to develop the skill more.
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| Q: |
My daughter is so impatient to be grown up she makes herself miserable. How can I help her to slow down?
| | A: |
Wanting immediate gratification can be very frustrating when it’s
a future that she is after! Try exploring her dreams with her and
finding the steps she needs to take now in order for her achieve her
future goals. If she can see the route she is following and know the
importance of each step, she may feel more satisfied with her life now.
For example, if she wants to study medicine, taking a first-aid course
now would be really interesting and possibly helpful. Or if she wants to
look into culinary school, she could try cooking the family meal once a
week.
Perhaps you can
encourage a little “mindfulness” in your daughter. This is the ability
to live in the moment, mindfully. Encourage her to pay attention to the
things around her right now. Get her to describe them as she experiences
them, but without making judgments. If she gets distracted and asks
what is for dinner, or says she is bored, that’s fine, redirect her
attention back to now. See what she discovers. Get her to study
something ordinary in her everyday life in this way—a pencil, the front
door, her watch, anything. Get her to tell you what she notices. If she
is prepared to try this with you, she’ll be amazed by what she
discovers. She will notice colors, textures, sensations, smells, tastes,
and sounds that she never noticed before. You may have to reassure her
that you have not taken leave of your senses! Mindfulness is a
combination of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology that is used
for people with various kinds of physical and mental-health problems.
But it is also helpful for ordinary people to give new meaning to
everyday life. It may help her feel more open to discussing all the
wonderful and important things she is doing now in preparation for her
exciting future.
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| Q: |
What can I do about teen blues?
| | A: |
“Everything is wrong, I’ll never do anything special, and there’s
nothing anyone can do about it.” Teenage blues can be catching. You
make some bright suggestions, he looks at you wearily and responds that
he will never be what he wants to be, and you start to feel depressed
yourself. His thinking is general, global, and negative. What you can do
to help is to turn his thoughts into something specific, individual,
and positive. Get him to think back to yesterday or last weekend, the
last time he was more cheerful, and go through hour by hour what he was
doing. Get him to score each activity (including lying on the bed
looking at the ceiling) according to how much he enjoyed it and how much
it gave him a sense of achievement. Now get him to choose one of the
activities that scored highest on both counts, maybe playing his guitar,
going for a run, or having a friend over to tinker with the car. This
can help reposition his thoughts and help him to plan his whole day
around pleasurable, productive activities. Afterward he may be able to
see that by changing the way he is thinking, he can pull himself out of
the doldrums and feel much more positive about himself, his future, and
his ability to achieve his goals.
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| Q: |
How can a few pimples be the end of the world?
| | A: |
Teenagers can be very self-conscious and catastrophic in their
thinking. A small pimple might lead your teenager to think that she is
hideous, that nobody will want to associate with her, and that everyone
is looking at her with a magnifying glass. Adolescents are
characteristically self-absorbed and self-conscious, and tend to think
in sweeping, negative, and extreme terms. So how can you help?
Perhaps you can get her
to consider some of the individuals she knows and likes, who may also
have the odd zit or two. Then get her to describe how many pimples they
have. Firstly, she will probably not be able to say in any detail,
demonstrating that she does not apply the magnifying-glass test to her
friends and suggesting that she may be overestimating the scrutiny they
give her. Secondly, if she can describe their pimples, she will have to
recognize that, despite the state of their skin, they are still
likeable, attractive, and her friends.
Be patient, use humor sensitively, help with acne treatment and concealer, and show her that the world will not end.
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| Q: |
Is it OK to allow my child to spend ages alone in her bedroom?
| | A: |
It is normal for teenagers to want to be alone and to guard their
privacy. They are often moody and unresponsive. Retreating to her
bedroom following an upset at school or at home is a good way of having
space and time to sort things out and cope with her emotions. Spending
hours alone in her room, listening to music, staring out the window
dreamily, sleeping, planning her brilliant career, imagining… then
emerging as if nothing has happened, refreshed and ravenous, is
perfectly normal. Her time alone is important, and you are right to
respect it.
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