Loner? An unhappy child
It wasn’t that he just
wanted to be alone for a while, it was hours and hours in his room. I’d
knock and open the door, and there he was, lying on his bed, staring at
the ceiling. He stopped going out with friends, saying he was tired, and
he did sleep an awful lot. But then I’d hear him moving around in the
early hours of the morning. His appetite dropped off. He would also get
really angry and shout and yell. He once punched the wall so hard he
made his knuckles bleed. People said it was his age, teenagers are like
that, let him be, give him some space. But I knew something was really
wrong. I thought maybe he was taking drugs, but he just seemed awfully,
constantly sad.
Finally I spoke to my
doctor who said that parents usually know when there’s a problem, and
she referred us to a local therapist specializing in adolescents. He is
now having individual therapy and we are having some family meetings. He
seems a little brighter and more hopeful.
Tearing out my hair Remind you of anyone?
Parenting my teenager
was really getting me down, from getting her to clean her room to her
negative attitude. It seemed like a fight every step of the way. I was
tearing my hair out. One time, when I’d had an especially bad day, my
mom took me aside and asked me if my daughter reminded me of anyone?
Funnily enough, my automatic reaction was to smile and say “Yeah, me.”
Mom and I sat there all evening, reminiscing about the things I did,
laughing at my antics. It made me realize that sometimes, when I fight
with my daughter, I could choose to help her instead. Even tough jobs
like cleaning her room would be quicker if we did them together.
I feel more of a connection
with my daughter knowing we both went through this phase and, if I hang
in there with her, she’ll come through it, just like I did.
Dealing with emotions
Adolescence can be a time
of intense and sudden bursts of emotion. Even the most everyday
situations can be experienced with more extreme feelings than they were
as a younger child. This can be very difficult for parents to deal with.
Unlike toddlers, who can be easily cuddled, teens require a more
complex response that does not always come naturally.
Listen, check, label
If your teenage
daughter is winding herself up into a state of high anxiety and
distress, stop what you are doing and pay attention to her. Listen to
what she is saying. Try not to interrupt or contradict or instantly make
her feel better. When she is finished, check that you have the story
right, for example, who called who first, what exactly was said, and so
on. Now try and put a name to her emotion and check whether you have got
it right. You might try something like: “It sounds as though she has
made you really angry.” This gives your daughter a chance to stop and
think. She may adjust the label to match exactly how she feels: “I’m not
angry, I’m furious.”
This careful listening,
checking the story, and labeling the emotion can be very helpful. Now
you can ask your daughter what she wants to do. If she is still angry,
you might suggest some calming-down time and agree a time to talk later.
She may want to talk now and get your help in coping with her feelings,
or she may want to try and solve her dilemma herself. Together you can
look at the problem and her possible options for a solution with their
likely consequences, and she can decide, with your help and support, how
she is going to proceed.
Teaching emotional intelligence Helping with adolescent worries
Over the last 30
years we have seen increases in emotional and behavioral problems in
young people. Support agencies report dramatic rises in self-harming
behavior. In the 11-to-16-year-old age range, 13 percent of boys and 10
percent of girls have a mental disorder.
Emotional intelligence
This fairly new concept
is made up of three key areas: self-esteem, coping skills, and social
support. Growing up in a stable and positive home and family might be
enough to learn these skills. However, where poverty, illness, family
dysfunction, or disability undermine emotional resilience, intervening
through home or community programs to prevent emotional and behavioral
problems is possible.
Self-esteem
Reflecting an
accurate and positive picture of your teen by using praise and positive
feedback will help build her self-esteem. You might comment on a small
act of kindness to an older person and how much it was appreciated or
point out how funny she was at a family gathering. Use criticism rarely
and constructively. Always focus on the behavior not the person. For
example: “I was worried that you ignored Emily last night, she may have
felt hurt by that.” This invites self-reflection and discussion rather
than defensiveness.
Coping skills
Encourage her
interests, activities, and social connections. You may not have chosen
hip-hop music and street dancing, but give it a chance and seek out the
talent and creativity that it brings out in her. Model an optimistic
view of the world and her place within it. Each time you encounter a
problem, you can show her that there is a way of overcoming it. A failed
test is a learning experience and a wake-up call. A family illness or
death brings people together and shows what can be endured when you
support each other.
Communication
Encourage
independence and autonomy through small steps of increasing
responsibility. Get her to make her own hair, dental, and doctor’s
appointments.
If you are angry or upset
with her, tell her how you feel about her behavior: “I am angry with
you for not letting me know where you were last night” is likely to
produce an apology and a discussion about what she will do next time
whereas, “You are so selfish, how could you do that to me?” will elicit a
denial and a personal insult in return. Listen to what your teen has to
say, be prepared to be wrong, and be aware that she is rapidly becoming
your intellectual equal.
Social support
Finally, to feel safe
and secure in the world, she must be able to make relationships with
other people outside the family. She needs to learn the important skill
of empathy, of putting herself in other’s shoes. She must learn to give
and take in social and romantic relationships. Acting out situations
where she takes the role of someone else and you pretend to be her can
help to clarify things for her. For example, if she is struggling with a
possessive friend, role playing can help your daughter work out some
strategies for letting her down gently and give her insight into how the
friend feels. Ultimately she must achieve autonomy and independence,
and be able to rely upon herself.
Encouraging your teen’s interests and praising him for effort
and achievements will help build his self-esteem, making him feel
happier about who he is.
Offering physical affection is a good way to help your teen to
label and reflect on her emotions in a safe space while she is upset.
This may help to increase her emotional intelligence.
Your teenager’s social support network, formed of friends, and
family, reflects an important aspect of emotional intelligence: Empathy.
