Newest study estimates
that, there is 1 in 4 children on average has seen parents divorced before
entering adulthood. Although it is the big hurt and it is hard to compensate,
you still can help the child integrate into normal life by following some tips.
Most families are trying to
control the change in characters, feelings of children, helping them adjust to
move to a new family after divorce, but most acts create reverse effects and
make the situation worse. It's attached to a reality that most parents do not consider
to negative impact of divorce on their children.
How can you tell your
children that their father/mother can not live together anymore? Never excuse that
“everything is fine”, because kids are observant enough to realize that it's a
lie, or not promise something like “everything will still as before, you can
still see dad/mom whenever you want” if you are not sure about the feasibility
of this promise. Depending on the children age, you will have different explanation,
but before you say, think carefully about the awareness of your children about
divorce, should they need to know it all, or only a part of the story?
Keep in mind that, whether
you are dissatisfied or angry with the other person, do not condemn father / mother
of your children in front of them, it will not turn your children into your
side and indirectly destroy the relation between you and them.
Do not force your children
to choose between living with father or mother, the competition will make them
torment by love for both dad and mom, and, worry for their future life.
Instead, explain simply to your children this is not their fault and parents
still love them as before.
Do not quibble and avoid
imposing children, listen to their feelings, let them freely express anger,
frustration, sadness, absolutely do not justify or blame the other. If you and children
can not talk frankly, do not hesitate to encourage them to share someone else
that you both are comfortable and trust.
Let your children freely to
ask questions, that may be obvious questions, or maybe a weird one like “Then where
will I live? How will this Christmas vacation be? Do I have to get out of this
house”. Do not be surprised at these questions, because of their guesswork started
from their “similar circumstances” friends and the drama that they usually watch.
Please let the school know
about the current status of the family, tell the teacher that your children can
be happy or sad irregularly, be confused, and having needs to be shared and
understood more than before.
For most children,
maintaining relationships with both dad and mom is the important factor to help
them adapt and accept the reality of divorce. When you prepare to live
separately, the children will have difficulty adapting to new home, new laws,
new habits, things are generally different from the old house and it is
difficult for them to choose the one that they will go by. At this time, there
is no way that you reduce the difference, and strictly follow the covenant after
divorce. Note that you should keep respectful attitude to your ex, and demonstrate
to your children that you prioritize the best for them, and let them to review,
choose and accept to live with father or mother.
There is an argument that,
in the divorce, the most vulnerable people are children. Although time will
heal and help them forget the loss, it is hard to have any experience that can
help them stand. Therefore, the care and efforts of father and mother are
initial factors to help them brave to pass this difficulty period.
Children who are extrovert
and fun before the divorce will usually adaptable and pass the shock easily than
the quiet and shy children. While those with high intelligence, even with the
trauma, they will be less stubborn and more subdued response. Fact proven that
children with divorced parents will develop skills to solve the psychology crisis
better. In addition, note that the mood of parents after divorce has important
influence to their children. This conclusion was confirmed by a famous
psychology doctor that negative depression of father / mother can affect badly
to the formation of personality and attitudes of children.
Simply, the parents who love
life will help their children love life, it means that children will get the positive
effects on physical health, mental and psychological, if their parents invest
these things for themselves before. This does not mean we are encouraging
couples to enjoy luxury vacations in Caribbean and leave the kids watching
movies alone. Remember that, prioritize benefits to your children first.
Here are some simple tips
that you can take to help children cope with divorce shock:
- Parents are still
parents:
Keep skills and methods of
raising and teaching children well whether you no longer have your wife /
husband accompanied with, this is the basic foundation for the comprehensive
development of children.
- Do not let your kids
see their parents argue and fight:
Many studies showed that,
when watching angry parents, the child will be affected and easily become
taciturn, fastidious. So please limit arguing in front of children.
- Maintain close
relationships with your children through intimate conversations:
You should share with them
more, however, should avoid all details related to the divorce because it will
make your kids panic and anxiety. A government organization has recommended
that the parents who ignore the presence of children or use children as an
indirect tool against his / her ex husband will make everyone involved
vulnerable of psychology and blood relationship.
- Seek help from those
around you:
Do not be afraid to ask
friends, neighbors, relatives, schools and children clubs to support you in taking
care your children. Typically, the role of grandparents can help your children
heal the heart wounds most effectively after divorce.
- Keep close contact
with the school:
The students have divorced
parents often neglect the study at schools, particularly at young age. One
study showed that the number of youth dropping out of school in case of
divorced families has doubled than the normal youth. So, if your children are
frustrated and study worse, contact with teachers and discuss solutions.
- Take control
relationships between siblings:
After the divorce, dad / mom
tend to let older child keep the younger one, you need to note that this is not
a right method. The family members assist each other is good, but remember, the
responsibility to take care of family belongs to parents, not children.
- Spend your free time
for children:
At each age, children have
different needs and entertaining. Children from 2-6 years old need you to join
in the fantasy story, children at elementary school begin learning theft or
fighting, while younger adolescents tend to stick to the issue of illegal and
reactionary. So, please take the time to share hobbies and interests with your
children, this will be the glue to ties you and them.
- Please support your
children with aftershocks of divorce:
These young people have
divorced parents will easily fall into drug addiction, others hate themselves
and fall into depression. The younger children feel sad with thinking that they
caused their parents split up. In this situation, you need to stay calm, be
aware that your children need time to regain balance after the divorce shock,
time passes, and you will see a gradual evolution.
In case the situation becomes
worse after a few months, this is sign that your children is suffering from
chronic depression, this time, you should contact the experts for advice and
treatment.
