For Joan Thompson, no-one
can be her perfect partner as herself. Joan has been married for more than
thirty years, and has had two mature chidren in the age of twenties. She and
her husband have many differences, for example, she supports Free Party, and he
is faithful to Conservative Party; he enjoys busling his old boat while she
enjoys visiting artistic exhibitions with friends. However, a secrect they both
recognize is that both of them betray each other and have a few of affairs
outside. They no longer have sex much like the time they just got married, even
she always feel annoyed because of picking up and looking after him. Now, at
the age of fifty-five, she still works in admin dept of a social organization
at Ottawa, and many times she has have to shake her head committing that ‘I
feel I am a baby-sitter rather than a wife in that house.’ She intended to
divorce, but after many nights being concerned, she decided to stay with him,
partly because of responsibility to her children, partly because she is used to
living in such situation, and partly because devorce procedure is accompanied
by many complications. In spite of that, from the bottom of her heart, she
knows that the main reason is that she still loves him. After many years living
with one anoher, he has become an important person to her, and in fact, how
many people are really happy with their marriages?
She often calls it ‘the
half happy marriage’ which implies the definition of a marriage that is not bad
enough to end in devorce, but also does not contain any passion or satisfaction
for insiders. This is normal since anyone at middle-age used to spend a
nightmare of love that they think to be deepfelt but suddenly encounters
problem. Responsibilities to bring up and educate children can help you guys live
with each other for a moment of time, but after the children are mature, leave
their old parents in a desert house, it is time both mumble old medoly ‘where
is my true love?’ Maybe you are still concerned about your partner, but it is
merely love of those living together, no longer is a vehement love at sweet
time, excluding tenacious pangs of betrayal and disappointment from both.
Certainly, you should not think of divorce (is the highest divorce rate at
Canada really at middle-age?), but you then agree with Margare Artwood’s
opinion that ‘divorce is similar to separation of physical properties in which
insiders are still alive but always feel much disadvantageous for themselves.’
So, if failing to break
up, the true choice is hesitating to tolerate, is not it?
According to Pamela Haag,
the author of the famous book ‘marriage confidential’, there are many married
couples living together in such half happy marriages. They are not strained to throw
disks to each other, but passion of love seems no longer remained. After
interviewing many married couples, Haag drew a conclusion that ‘the cause is not
toilet’s break-out or holes on wall, but is tiny shortcomings in mental life
such as running out of passion, bore, distance, or simply tiredness when they
have to warm up love that has been cool for a long time’. However, unlike
disappointment people often think of, many married couples confessed to Haag
that they more or less felt satisfied with current situation, they did not intend
to divorce even though how insipit their current cohabitation was.
The author Haag also
admitted that one of the motivations helping her write books was
dissatisfaction with her nearly thirty-year marriage. She said ‘I cannot say
whether my marriage is happy or sad, but I can say that unspoken discontent,
also called cold war, reduces complete happiness of married life.’
The book ‘marriage
confidential’ is an experiment of a reason why many married couples accept
‘half happy marriage’ life to describe married couples’ behaviors in model
marriages. Haag drew a conclusion that although in married life, there are few
people giving divergent ideas individually, but they together build their both
opinion of marriage. She presented ‘perhaps time has created a new tendency, I
dare not insist that traditional marriage has become outdated, but I feel that
current marriage is changing into new form.’
Why is marriage such
mixed-up?
We vainly expected of
partner’s figure.
‘Most people decide to get
married with the opinion to find someone helping themselves to improve rather
than for both to improve together.’ – Renee Newhouse, forty-eight-year-old
mother living at Montreal expressed: ‘Twenty years ago, when I got married, I
thought he was the one making me merry and happy. But later, the sweet time
ended when my husband fell into addiction. That event made me change my thought
and accept to live with marriage’s reality.’ She added more: ‘Certainly,
imagination is always nice. However, thanks to difficulties we have overcome, I
am in strong attachment to him in a strange way that is difficult to describe.
It is a deepfelt love in which I understand his nature. Though both have
thought of divorce many times, we then quit that intention. I believe my
marriage is still all right although it is not like pink prospects I imagine,
but it is really all right for both of us.
Another
sharing is from
Shanice Wynne, forty-one-year-old mother with three children, who live
at Vancouver. She told, ‘When I got married fifty years ago, I used to
expect new life would
make me happier. And in recent wedding anniversary, we sat together
sharing our
thoughts. I recognized I was wrong to blame him for not helping me look
after
the house or not being concerned about our children’s studying. I did
not
hesitate to express my disappointment to him and I always wanted this
family
life to change. And in the last holidays, I suddenly recognized his
sacrifice
during the time we have cohabited. He sticks to his office to do the
work he
does not like very much just to earn money for feeding our family. Maybe
he is
not good at social activities, but he can feed all family, and that is
what we
have not respected for many years.
