We expect too much from our
partners.
Haag shared: ‘One of the
mad things making you disillutioned is the thought that your partner can do
everything you need, like an industrious backstage worker that is always ready
to serve thousands of people in the cinema. It is such thought that kindle
stress for married life.’ Wynne, the above story’s author, also admitted that
her husband could not satisfy all needs in her life, and in fact, she also did
not want him to fill up her private life, since: ‘I need my own private life in
which I have my close girl friends to chat with, I enjoy talking with other
wives about daily life, I like that job and it really brings me happiness.’
We always give preference to
our children rather than partners.
The author Haag uses the
terms ‘mandarin son, young lady’, or ‘new type of partner’ to imply children
that are overindulged, and unintentionally they interfere their parents’
relationship. Try thinking, we prefer to sleep with our cherish daughters in
stead of our husbands, or give time to play with our son and forget time for
our wives. We over-focus on bringing up children, then have no health or time
to look after our marriages, and after that, it imputes to parents’
responsibility.
Perfectionism and taking
care of children will not really affect marriage’s insipidity if we know how to
choose. Hagg also said that: ‘One of the reasons for marriage is having child,
but if having more children, it is the risk that reduces attachment and
satisfaction of family’s members. This matter is a paradox of many families,
when parents’ responsibility is both marriage’s inspiration and burden for both
husband and wife.’
We cannot anticipate the
challenges of faithfulness in marriage.
Specialist in sexology -
Jessica O’Reilly – presented a problem: ‘Is it real if one just has sex with an
only partner? – I am not sure how the answer is, but I think it is unlikely.’
O’Reilly used to study of a middle-aged married couple always tolerating their
partner’s affairs or even allow them, and determine not to divorce. Another
middle-aged wife also shared that: ‘There is no way that the one discussing
about the house with you is your eternal love.’
Haag wrote: ‘Outside new
love-makings contribute to making current marriage permenant – however, this is
marriage barrier according to opinion of ‘monogamy’. She also supposes that couples
should not take the barrier into account, and she believes that this will make
married couples more honest with each other. Haag also pointed out that your husband’s
affairs did not mean he loved you less. It is a challenge to live in ‘monogamy’
all life, but it is not easy to live freely and self-indulgently.’ Married
coupled wholehearted for faithfulness should understand that ‘there are dozens
of ways for a wife or husband to eat on the sly, so you have to really
understand your partner’s needs, and gradually add new spice into your current
married life.’
What should we do to change
the situation?
Different to old advice
about how to save the sickly marriage in handbook (such as ‘let’s date’, or ‘have
sex in new space’), Haag want to told millions of people – those who are stuck
in conflictive marriages – that we are not lonely. To prove it, Haag surveyed
more than 2,000 people, studied marriage and new’s definition of marriage – it
is a ‘half happy marriage’ in which couples still live happily together.
Haag
recognizes the fact
that many marriages are not similar to the way society looks at and
comments
on. She pointed out that about two to four millions of people at the US
have ‘half happy marriage’ lives. They almost do not tie each other, and
there are
common rules of individual’s freedom, even including allowing affairs.
(For
example, some married couples agree to accept their partner’s sexual
activities
with the third person if either the wife or husband is away. The other
will
tolerate and not consider it as betrayal.)
It does not stop there.
Currently, such above marriages have developed into new level in which married
couples find that they can get familiar and build up hearted relationship with
their husband / wife’s partners. Hagg also estimates that there are about ten
percent of married couples at the US who have such open marriages. He calls
them pioneers for ‘pancake’ marriage – which means when seen from outside, they
are still orthodox married couple, but inside, they also have other unorthodox affairs.
Couples with ‘half happy
marriages’ are not different about sexual needs, they also live together in
very different ways. For example, some couples have ‘leaves’, which means they
will live far from each other for a moment of time to pursue individual’s
hobbies. Haag admitted that there were not few separated couples that ‘close
and love each other from outward, but in fact each one is separated.’
This case is right for
Aspasia Dassios, forty-nine-year-old teacher at Toronto, living separatedly
with her husband. Dassios is a firm and indepentdent woman, and used to work in
Europe for more than 15 years, travel through thirty countries, and have a few
deepfelt relationships before her marriage three and a half years ago with a
widowed man with two children. They lived together for two years until deciding
to separate as a way to save their current marriage. ‘When we lived with each
other, both were almost talking about petty things in the house, about
mortgage, or about our children. Boring life made me lose inspiration with sex,
and gradually lost my humor.’ That couple meet each other quite frequently and
sometimes live together for a few days. However, they do not intend to live
with each other again. ‘Each of us lives quite independently and we like this
way of living. He is as if a single dad, and I am as if a part-time wife.’ And
if someone is surprised with the way they live, Dassios will answer mischievously
that: ‘There are dozens of women jealous with our way of living. They said that
if at first they had applied this way of living, they would not be separated
now.’
Kind of marriage like
Dassios can be a prediction for the tendency of modern marriage. Trying
thinking, sixty years ago, did anyone trust in homosexual marriage, marriage with
different races, or associations of house-husbands and mainstay-wives? And how
about now? So, Haag concluded that ‘it can be said that types of marriage also
change to be suitable for each time, or they even change our opinions of love.
For me, this can be a chance in the next generations’ future. Perhaps the best
way to maintain married life is to adjust with time rather than against
tendency of change.’
