So you’ve finally decided to tie the knot.
But are you really ready?
Marriage is no longer an inevitable and
somewhat mandatory milestone but a matter of choice, for both sexes. Both men
and women now have the liberty to decide when they want to be married. Most men
want to be financially stable and women want to be independent, before they
feel ready for a commitment.
The
big decision
However, that is not the only factor that
defines marriage readiness. Financial stability and independence are an
important variable in the decision process but not the only one. Mental
readiness is also, if not, ‘the most important’ factor.
So how does one know that one is ready to
make a commitment? Does one get married due to loneliness and for want of a
companion? Should one commit for financial stability, emotional intimacy or
sexual gratification? Or should one take the plunge because one is growing
older?
Technically, one can get all of the above
needs met in a series of temporary relationships or a committed live-in
relationship.
Readiness to commit is a culmination of a
complex matrix of variables.
In my practice, I meet many couples with
idealistic of over-the-top romantic notions of a relationship. Most of these
ideas fall apart within the first few months of the relationship. Marriage is
not about unending sacrifices and compromises but neither is it only about red
roses and candle-lit dinners. The notion of a marriage lies somewhere in the
middle. Any committed relationship needs some basic ingredients: respect,
trust, acceptance and love. A healthy respect for each other’s attributes,
implicit faith in the partner’s actions and motivations, acceptance of each
other’s differing needs and expectations and of course, love is what makes a
relationship work.
Marriages and committed relationships bring
about significant changes in our lives. So it’s important to assess your
readiness.
Marriages
and committed relationships bring about significant changes in our lives
Assess your readiness
·
You will become answerable to and accountable
for someone else. Once you get married, many of your actions will not only
reflect on you but on your partner as well. This is an added responsibility.
Are you game to take this on?
·
Your time is not just your own anymore. You will
have to put some time aside for your partner and his/her needs… many times at
your personal cost. Are you ready to let go of a substantial chunk of your ‘me
time’?
·
You will have some shared responsibilities
towards each other’s families. Your duties towards your own parents will not
necessarily decrease, though they could change. How do you feel about this
added obigatory duty?
·
Success of a long-tem commitment necessitates
litte sacrifices and many compromises. From big decisions like career choices to
seemingly small compromises like sharing your personal space and belongings
with another person… there is a whole spectrum of changes that one needs to
make. You can take them in your stride or look upon them as impediments to a
happy life. How equipped are you to handle this change?
·
If you stay in different cities, career
sacrifices could be a part of your marriage. How willing are you to let go of
your current job or potential promotion to support your partner’s career
decisions?
·
Having and raising children is a significant
part of marriage. It involves time, effort and another round of adjustments to
your life. What is your outlook on having kids?
When you answer these questions, remember,
that there is no right or wrong answer to them. It’s your view and you are
entitled to it. However, if you find yourself mulling over these questions and
responding to most of them in the affirmative, then you are probably ready to
take the plunge!
The most significant sign of marital
readiness is when you brood about: Do I know myself?
Are you aware of your attributes,
weaknesses, values? Most of us are ignorant about our own beliefs. They live in
our subconscious. Unless faced with a situation that demands a conscious
response, majority of us aren’t even aware about our own opinion about
different issues that we could face.
A self-exploratory journey is the
foundation for marital readiness. It becomes easier to choose a partner because
the knowledge of self will bring a lot of clarity to the process. You know who
you are and what you expect. As a corollary to that thought, you will also know
if you want to be in a committed relationship.
Finally, mental readiness is a frame of
mind and only the person herself can know if she is up for the commitment. It
is important to assess the readiness before starting off on the process of
finding a marriage partner or committing to an existing one. Nothing could be
worse than getting married and finding you would rather be alone.
Should you live in before you commit?
Living together prior to tying the knot is
beginning to get accepted in the Indian society – at least, in large metros.
While this arrangement can raise a lot of hackles, it does have its share of
advantages.
·
Living with each other allows the couple to test
waters and get to know each other better.
·
Staying together allows the couple to understand
respective opinions, habits and routines and know whether they are in for it.
·
It provides an opportunity to get used to
sharing space with the prospective marriage partner. This can significantly
streamline the transition into a married arrangement.
There is a downside to it, as well
·
Living together is not an acceptable arrangement
in most families in India. If the living arrangement does not culminate in
marriage, it could make things awkward for the concerned individuals and their
families in the future.
Living
together is not an acceptable arrangement in most families in India
·
A perceived lack of compatibility could lead to
the couple walking away from the legal commitment, causing a lot of heartburn.
·
On the other hand, over familiarity could dampen
the spontaneity and exuberance in the early marriage days, later.
Living together prior to marriage should
not be treated frivolously. It is a serious step towards a more permanent
commitment. Unless the two individuals are mature enough to understand that
living together prior to marriage is not a game that one walks into one day and
walks out of the other, it’s a workable concept. It should be looked at from
the perspective of convenience of the two individuals to “be together”, not for
ease of getting out.
