Negotiating with your child How to have a successful debate
Your child is
increasingly keen to express her needs and views and, on occasion, stand
her ground. The better her ability to communicate and negotiate, the
more effective her transition to independence.
Successful negotiation
What’s the issue?
Clearly define the point you are debating. If it’s a later bedtime ask
your child to be specific about how much later she wants to stay up and
on which nights of the week.
Grounds for debate
Encourage your child to
give you her reasoning: Find out why this would be a good thing for her.
Perhaps she’s had a birthday and expects bedtime to be adjusted, wants
to watch a late TV show, or has friends who stay up and feels her
bedtime is babyish.
Pros and cons
Try to generate as
many positive and negative outcomes of the idea as you can. Be as silly
or serious as you like. For later bedtimes you might come up with the
downside of being overtired, sleeping in and missing breakfast, or
keeping others awake with late night noise. On the upside, perhaps
she’ll be able to join in with friends at school chatting about the TV
show, have more one-to-one time with you after siblings have gone to
bed, or feel grown up because you trust her to stay up later.
Think it over
Carefully consider each
option, try to see your child’s point of view and help her to see
yours. You might cut out some options quite quickly. For example, if the
TV show she wants to watch is inappropriate for her age, then take this
out of the debate. Once you have your final list of reasons for and
against, weigh them up together. Some reasons will be strong, such as
having one-to-one time with you, while others, such as having more free
time, could be weaker.
Reach a compromise
Agree what you’re going to
do. Be clear about what is allowed and what is not. For example, you may
agree your child will stay up on a Friday and Saturday night for an
extra hour, with the proviso that she will go to bed when asked, without
complaining.
Review
Set a trial period, perhaps
two or three weeks, to see if the decision is working out. Keep track
of the up and down sides of the idea. At the end of the trial period
decide whether to continue, adjust, or stop the agreement.
When not to negotiate
On points of safety,
health, and values you may decide not to debate an issue. For example,
if your child is asking to try alcohol, to go out late at night, or play
violent video games classified above her age range, do listen, but go
on to state clearly why this is not acceptable.
Not sleepy
Discussing an issue
with your child, such as negotiating a later bedtime, is good practice
for him and increases his independence.
