… it’s staying with the same person for a
lifetime that’s the challenge. If you feel like the magic is fading after years
together, here is some life-changing advice on making love last – by 10 women
who know
So many married couples get out of the
habit of being affectionate. Before you know it, you’re sitting on different
sofas every night. Re-introduce touching, whether that’s hugs, strokes, holding
hands or just sitting closely. Be playful. I’m talking about having a bubble
bath together, having a pillow fight or dragging the duvet downstairs. Most
couples who stop having sex do so because it just gets a bit tedious and not as
much fun as it used to be, but you can make in fun again. People underestimate
the power of sex in long-term relationships- it can be a pure expression of
love and intimacy. Sex can be just as good, if not better in your 40s, 50s and
beyond than it was in your 20s.
The author of Improving Your Relationship for dummies,
Paula Hall is married with two children.
Dial down the criticism. Nobody can survive
in a marriage, at least not happily, if they feel more judged than admired. I
suggest to my clients that they pretend there’s a distinguished guest staying
in the spare room. You’re likely to tone down negative comments an fighting,
and learn that you are capable of adjusting your behavior more than you think.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner is the author of Marriage
Rules: A Manual For the Married and the Coupled Up.
That
network of private jokes between a couple is one of the best medicines ever for
a lasting marriage.
You need to be making the bedsprings creak
– from laughter! That network of private jokes between a couple is one of the
best medicines ever for a lasting marriage. The problem is that so many people
seem not to really talk much any more, let alone keep up those giggly moments
that most couples start off with. Get a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio and a
takeaway, and start talking about those things that used to make you laugh.
Progress from there…
Author Jilly Cooper has been married for 51 years. Her
1969 guide, How to stay Married, was recently reissued.
When couples have been together a while ,
they often start to communicate in shorthand. When your husband comes in from
work and you ask how it was, he might answer, ‘Oh, you know, just work’s, and
so you stop asking. Before you know it, you don’t know what’s going on in his
life, At worst, you don’t really know him any more. That’s why one of the most
common things I say to couples is to check in with each other to find out what
each of you enjoy, As with everything else in life, our tastes and likes and
opinions change – often significantly. Keeping up with those changes will make
your other half feel appreciated.
A Relate counselor for over 20 years, Denise Knowles is
married with three grown- up children.
Most
importantly, we always keep at the forefront of our minds, even in rows why we
love each other and never say things we don’t mean because you can forgive, but
you can’t forget.
My husband Owen and I split up after just
nine months of marriage. He moved abroad and we both thought that was it. But
two years later, after we’d both done an enormous amount of reflecting, he
contacted me out of the blue. When we met up, I realized how much I loved and
missed him. We got back together, and now we have a wonderful marriage. I know
we’d both fight for it harder than anything else in our lives. We do a lot more
listening than we used to. Most importantly, we always keep at the forefront of
our minds, even in rows why we love each other and never say things we don’t
mean because you can forgive, but you can’t forget.
Corné Immelman, 42, and her husband Owen separated for two
years but are now back together.
Because my husband and I work together,
we’ve created rules. One is that neither of us is allowed to think we can win
an argument. If Sean changes something I’ve written and we argue and I win,
it’s such a hollow victory. The same goes for marriage. We all know that
feeling, in the middle of horrid arguments, of wanting to justify yourself , of
wanting to win and the other person to lose, but all that does is about hack
away at something fragile and breakable - it’s not a victory. Arguments
should be trying to mend something together.
Because
my husband and I work together, we’ve created rules: neither of us is allowed
to think we can win an argument.
Author Nicci Gerrard and her husband of 22 years, Sean
French, write together under the name
Nicci French. Their latest book , Tuesday’s Gone, is out now.
As a lawyer I see the tail end of
relationships, and communication stands out as the thing that’s overwhelmingly
lacking in rocky marriages. We all tend to be good at either speaking or
listening, but often not both. That’s something you can change, however,
especially if you both make the commitment to improving the situation. In my
experience, communicating in a respectful, insightful and forward- focusing way
can so often change everything.
Sarah Anticoni is partner and mediator of the family team
at law firm Charles Russell.
Stuart and I met when I was 17, and we were
19 when we married. Now, in our 60s, we are completely different-not just
compared with the people we once were, but also from each other. So what’s made
it work? Every day, without fail, we have made time for each other- to talk or
to do something fun. We love new ventures and we have always tried to find a
way to make them happen, which has kept life exciting. We allow each other
space and independence to follow our dreams so that we don’t lose a sense of
ourselves as individuals. And we see the lows, as well as the highs, as part of
what binds us together. In other words, we approach problems as something that
ultimately makes us stronger as a couple. Of course, we all get driven to
distraction from time to time, and I’m no different – but it’s too easy to
focus on the negatives. Remembering what works about our relationship keeps
things in perspective.
Every
day, without fail, we have made time for each other- to talk or to do something
fun
Philippa Annett, 61, has been married to her husband
Stuart for 44 years.
Focus on speaking kindly to your partner.
Not only will it strengthen your connection and ultimately keep you together
for longer, it also teaches children how relationships function. If you shout
or are spiteful, you’re basically teaching your kids that this is the way to
react in moments of anger or irritation. But if you show affection openly, your
children are more likely to have higher expectations from their own
relationships.
Chartered psychologist Dr Jennifer Leonard runs UK Parent
Coaching
Can
you remember your marriage vows?
How many of us can remember our vows word
for word? But if you consider them – to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health… till
death us do part – it’s a reminder that marriage is an adventure. There will be
great times on that journey, but, yes, there will also be challenges. I believe
that knowing and expecting this is the key to a great relationship. So many
people have unreasonable expectations – the moment things look as though
they’re going pear-shaped, they want to step off the journey. I don’t know why
it is… Perhaps it’s our emphasis on fairy-tale weddings, which makes people
think the marriage should be a fairy tale, too. But life is more complicated
than that and, in the end, you’re stronger for it.
