There’s something in the male psyche
that makes normal, happy men do some very weird things around a certain
birthday. So be careful when you light those candles, says Jonathan Thompson
He’s
29? Run!
Tom and Sarah seemed happy. They’d bought a
big house in the Kent countryside, a brace of smart cars and two kittens they
doted on. They’d recently celebrated their six-year anniversary as a couple,
and another milestone was approaching: Tom’s 30th – just two months
away. Everything seemed settled, even idyllic. From Sarah’s point of view, the
glass wasn’t just half full: it was brimming. And then, all of a sudden, Tom
turned it – and everything else in their lives – completely upside down.
“The approach of 30 was a massive wake-up
call,” says Tom, now 31. “Day-to-day it was fine. But I knew I couldn’t marry
her. It got to the stage where for the sake of both of us having a chance to
meet somebody else, I had to man up and end it.”
Tom’s abrupt change of heart – suddenly
ending a long-term relationship on the eve of his 30th birthday – is
far from an isolated tale. In terms of the social motorway that our twenties
and thirties have become, there’s a genuine problem occurring in the other lane
of Generation Y. And it’s happening at Junction 29.
“A
year around their 30th birthday, men are making key decisions that
previously would have been made far earlier”
Let me explain. I’m a 33-year-old
heterosexual man, but secretly I cling to Frank Lampard. For the past four or
five years, I’ve thought about him pretty much every day: I believe my future
happiness is inexorably linked to his. This is not out of any personal desire
for the man – I don’t even support Chelsea. No, it’s because Frank Lampard is
two months older than me, and as long as he’s still playing Premier League
football, I can reassure myself that I’m not old. Women like Christine
Bleakley might still give me a second glance.
And it’s not just me – many male friends
have quietly assigned themselves ‘football lifeguards’. When David Beckham, now
37, finally leaves his watchtower, a lot of men will be floundering.
The problem, for Tom, me and thousands of
other men, is we reach a point, just before we hit 30, when all of a sudden
we’re mortal. Psychologists refer to this as a ‘personal disequilibrium’ or
‘transition period’. However you label it, we’re spending our twenties largely
unburdened by responsibility, speeding happily along without considering our
destination, then suddenly, the traffic around us starts to thin. A few wedding
cars pop up in the slow lane. Our fuel tank isn’t as full as it used to be. We
start to panic, and that’s when we see our escape route: Junction 29.
Academics believe this pre-30 male meltdown
is a phenomenon unique to Generation Y – children of the 1980s.
“A year around their 30th
birthday, men are making key decisions that previously would have been made far
earlier,” says Dr Oliver Robinson, a psychologist at the University of
Greenwich, who has researched the issue, which he attributes to ‘emerging adulthood’.
“It has an important position in the male lifespan that it didn’t have two or
three decades ago. Our fathers didn’t go through this turning point at 30:
there’s no rulebook, which makes it even more difficult to deal with.”
The problem, it seems, is that while women
are maturing in their mid-twenties, men are often going through this period of
‘emerging adulthood’. That phase, says Dr Robinson, typically comes to an end
around age 28 or 29, when boys finally stumble, blinking, into the world of authentic
manhood. It’s more common than you’d imagine: behavioural scientist Dr Donna
Dawson estimates that as many as 75% of men between the ages of 25 and 35 are
experiencing a bona fide crisis.
Men
look for things to change about their live
“Biologically and legally these men are
adults, but socially they’re not,” says Dr Robinson. “When they emerge at the
end of their twenties, they can find themselves in a state of emotional
uncertainly and person insecurity. Many describe a sense of being ‘trapped’ in
a job, a relationship, or both.”
This is when the pressure of expectation
hits. In fact, a recent gumtree.com survey found 86% of 1,100 young people
questioned admitted “felling under pressure” to succeed in their relationships,
finances and jobs before hitting 30. Fearful they haven’t made the right
decisions or achieved enough yet, men look for things to change about their
live. And when we start spiraling out of control, the automatic response is to
reach for the ejector seat. We might be parachuting into the unknown, but it’s
better – or, crucially, easier – than risking an enormous personal crash later.
