How one woman NEGOTIATED her way to
more than a higher income.
“Men are four times more likely than
women to negotiate throughout their careers”.
I asked for my first raise at 26. The
response from my boss? “Don’t hold your breath”. It was my third job since
graduating from university, and up until then I’d never negotiated my salary.
It wasn’t until a colleague pulled me aside to tell me he’s caught a glimpse of
my pay cheque – he thought I should be making $1,000 more a month – that I had
the courage to even ask.
“Men
are four times more likely than women to negotiate throughout their careers”
The thought of having the “money talk” had
always made me uncomfortable. In my final year of journalism school, I interned
in a newsroom for three months. When they offered me a job, I was so relieved
to have full-time work that I hugged the HR woman instead of playing salary
hardball. A year later, I took a new job in communications and again accepted
the salary offer without discussion. Months later, I found out that friends in
similar roles were making close to $5,000 more a year. Still, I didn’t ask for
a raise out of fear that it might jeopardize the strong relationship I was
building with my boss.
Skip ahead six years, and I’m now a partner
in Smart Cookies, a small, successful consulting business that helps people
stay in control of their finances and create a debt-free life. But, sometimes,
I still feel like I’m not doing enough to demand what I’m worth. It makes me
angry to think about all the money I’ve missed out on by not advocating for
myself – or not advocating properly. The reality of just how much I’ve lost out
on didn’t hit me until I picked up Ask for It: How Women Can Use the Power of
Negotiation to Get What They Really Want. The book includes an example of a
22-year-old man and woman who both receive offers for jobs that pay $25,000 a
year. The woman accepts the offer while the man negotiates to obtain a starting
salary of $30,000. The authors calculate that if the man deposits the extra
$5,000 into an account earning 3-percent annually and if, every year after
that, both employees average 3 percent raises and the man saves his additional
$784,192 in his account simply because he negotiated that one time.
The Institute for Women’s Policy Research,
a U.S.-based think tank, reports that women working full-time earn 77 cents for
every dollar men earn. Part of the reason for the gap is that men are four
times more likely than women to negotiate on their own behalf throughout their
careers, according to Linda Babcock, a co-author of Ask for It and an economist
at Carnegie Mellon University. Research done by Hannah Riley Bowles, an
associate professor of public policy at Harvard, shows that when a woman negotiates
for higher pay, people find her significantly less attractive – but there isn’t
a similar reaction to men who ask for a raise. Add to that an analysis done by
compensation research firm PayScale that shows women’s pay increases begin to
slow at age 30 and peak by 39 (one of the possible reasons cited for this is
that women may receive lower salary offers and are less skillful negotiators)
and I’m starting to feel a bit depressed.
“If you don’t believe you’re worth
more, the person on the other end of the negotiation never will either”.
Thankfully, there is research that shows
that if women take a more friendly and sociable approach to negotiating, they
can begin to close the gap. Yes, this solution does sound a bit old-fashioned,
but Babcock’s research finds that despite the gains women have made in the
workplace, this double standard still exists: A “softer” negotiating style –
using a non-threatening tone and friendly body language to seem more likeable
(she’s not talking about wearing a pink mohair sweater) – works better for
women.
It sounds good in theory, so I set out to
find some personal help. I meet Claudia Ferryman, an instructor in effective
communication and negotiation at University of Toronto, for coffee. “Building
rapport is key to successful negotiating”, she tells me, and it’s clear she has
perfected the art. She is friendly with the barista, smiles at the others in
the shops and puts me at ease immediately. “When people you’re negotiating with
someone, put yourself in their shoes, empathize with them, compliment them and
behaviourally adapt to their style to mirror them”.
Most of us would rather be perceived as
co-operative than ask for more, she continues. But, she warns, it could have
the Someone he or she could have hired for less. Researches call this
phenomenon “the winner’s curse”. “If the other side gives you what you want
right away, they probably would have given you more or, vice versa, accepted
less. Both sides want to feel like they are getting a deal, so there is power
in taking even the slightest pause before accepting an offer”, she says.
For the next two hours, Ferryman shares
more advice and anecdotes about many of the deals she has made (discounts on
electronics, a cruise, clothing). “If you don’t believe you’re worth more, the
person on the other end of the negotiation never will either”, she concludes.
She tells me to practice negotiating in all areas of my life. “Even here at the
coffee shop?” I ask. “Sure”, she says. “I get free little perks all the time”.
A few days after our meeting, I tell my mom
about Ferryman’s challenge as we window-shop on Vancouver’s Robson Street. When
we both find a pair of boots we want, my mother suggests I try negotiating. I’m
mortified, but she’s adamant. What’s the worst that could happen? “Is there
anything you can do since we’re buying two pairs?” I ask the salesperson. No,
she says, the store doesn’t give discounts. A second employee moseys over to
see what’s going on. “You want a discount? Yeah, we don’t do that”, she confirms.
Right. Got it. Then the manager swings by and repeats what I already know: no
discounts. I feel embarrassed and worry that I look cheap. I buy a $20
shoe-cleaning kit to compensate. Definitely didn’t nail this one.
How
one woman NEGOTIATED her way to more than a higher income
Shortly after this, I speak with Sara
Laschever, the other co-author of Ask for It. “One of the most important
aspects of negotiating is you have to grow comfortable hearing no – don’t take
it personally, and commend yourself for trying. You’ll get better at it every
time”, she says. Laschver also counsels me to pay attention to what I tell
myself before I ask for something. “If your inner voice says ‘I don’t want to
appear cheap or ungrateful’, that’s just going to hold you back. The real key
is to ask for more than what you want. Before you negotiate your salary (or
something else), identify a high but reasonable target – and ask for at least
15 percent more. If you want $50,000, ask for $58,000”. Laschever also
recommends promising yourself a reward if you follow through on your plan –
because a little extra motivation can go a long way.
To practice, I decide to do some
role-playing – something all experts recommend. After working out several
scenarios, I get my boyfriend to join a mock meeting so that I can start
building a tool box of phrases and gestures to help me stay calm and in control
when asking for more. It’s important to appear collaborative, so I start with
something like “I’m glad we have a chance to talk about this”. I look for ways
to empathize (“I’m sure it has been a busy day for you”) and attempt to find
common ground outside of our negotiations with similar interests or
compliments. (“I love that watch; where did you get it?”)
Casual conversation and genuine compliments
build an alliance, says Laschever. Another important element is to frame what
you say in a positive manner. For example, say “I’d like the chance to prove
myself in a more senior role” instead of “I’ve never been acknowledged for the
work I’ve done and I’m moving on if things don’t change”. The role-playing
helps me discover that I need to work on being comfortable with sitting in
silence and taking my time to craft a thoughtful response instead of rambling
on awkwardly. The exercise is eye-opening, and, later, I kick back on the couch
to reflect on what I’ve learned.
What I realize is...I hate this couch.
It’s lumpy and the cushions won’t stay out – and it’s only six months old.
Though a full refund seems unlikely, the exercise has given me some skills to
consider how I could get my money back. I figure out what I will say and what I
will accept (I’ll take a store credit, but not for less than what I paid, and I
call customer service. I share my story with two salespeople before being
passed on to the manager. “I’m glad I could catch you. I’m in the store and I
know how busy it can be”, I begin. Then I express my disappointment that the
couch wasn’t the quality I’d expected. He suggests I permanently lean the couch
against the wall to keep the back cushions in place or avoid leaning back on
them. I politely tell him that is not a solution for my space and that I rarely
lounge with perfect posture. After using what Ferryman calls a hypothetical
close (“In a case like this, would it be possible to return the item and get a
store credit?”), I get what I am after.
Spurred on by this win, I decide that it’s
time to get more money at work. I take a non-threatening approach with one of
my parents by using collaborative language: “We’ve been working so hard on this
consulting project. As we’re wrapping up, let’s take stock of how many hours
we’ve put in”. I’m sure I’ve put in more hours than she has and feel I should
get a bigger portion of the fee. I’m able to use the facts to negotiate more –
in this case an additional $2,000.
Next, it’s time to talk my brother, who
lives an hour’s drive away, into bringing my niece and nephew into the city to
see me once a month. I’ve been the one driving out see them once a week for the
past few years. On my way there, I stop for gas and remember what Laschever
told me about courting rejection to gain comfort. “Is this the best you can do
on the price?” I ask the gas-station attendant. Confused, he says yes. “Nice
try”, the guy behind me says with a laugh.
Raise
up
But I’m not deterred. For the first time, I
don’t feel cheap asking for a better deal. I feel smart. I’m learning to be
okay with hearing “no”. Having the courage to ask is making my life better – in
more than just monetary ways. I’ve strengthened my relationships with
colleagues and family, I have greater clarity on what will make my life happier
and I feel braver every time I stand up for myself. Up next: an increase in my
hourly consulting rates – and I’m setting a new pair of Fryes as my reward. Of
course, I’ll be looking for a discount there too.
