...and I don't know what to
do. We've been a couple for six years live together and get on really well -
though, admittedly, we don't have sex as often as we once did. I trust him
completely, which is why finding porn is so hard to take. It's nothing illegal
but it's made me feel sick and I've lost all interest in sex. I know a lot of
men use pornography but it makes me wonder how he thinks about women generally.
I feel insecure, grubby and angry. How can I resolve this?"
Emma says you’re not alone
- many of us feel pornography is degrading but it's a multi-billion-pound
business because, like it or not, a lot of men use it.
This is a problem for you
on two levels; first, your distaste for pornography and second, your dwindling
sex life. You sound as if you have a good relationship, but you may well have
assumed that means knowing everything about your partner. After realising it's
not quite the case, your mind's gone into overdrive and you feel insecure. But
trust isn't about knowing or agreeing with everything your partner does, it’s
being sure they'd never do anything that would knowingly upset you. Tell him
you've seen his porn and it's made you unhappy That way he can reassure you by
explaining his reasons for using it, and he may even agree to stop (although
that's unlikely). Either way, try to accept his use of pornography has no
bearing on the success of your relationship; it's simply an aid for him to use
when alone. Porn's not my bag either, but we women find it hard to understand
because we don't need visuals - we have imagination! You need to separate the
women in those images from the love your man has for you.
Your sex life is another
issue. Most of us accept that fabulously regular sex dwindles as our
relationship becomes comfortable. But you need to make the effort because sex
is the one thing that differentiates a relationship from a friendship. It also
makes us feel happier and truly connected.
Don't let your discovery
ruin your relationship. Instead, take control and discuss your concerns. What
makes a good relationship great is effective communication, fantastic sex and
an ability to love our partner in spite of their imperfections.
How
To Resolve Sexual Differences
Accept you’re not the same.
Different strokes for different folks. Looking at porn isn’t illegal, you can’t
dictate it’s wrong just because you don’t like it. Accept that it’s just a sex
aid – like a vibrator.
Reignite the spark. A good
sex life is essential to a healthy relationship. Rebuild it by making time in
your life for each other, planning ahead and enjoying intimacy as often as
possible.
Don’t let it knock your
confidence. You shouldn’t let his desire for something different affect your
self-esteem. Deal with relationship issues before they grow into personal
insecurities.
