KEEPING TRACK OF POTENTIAL FRIENDS
If
you’re not great at remembering names or linking them with faces (and
possibly even if you are!), it won’t do to simply plug your new
acquaintances’ names and contact details into your iPhone or address
book. Pregnancy and early motherhood is going to, in a short time,
throw you into many new experiences and places with a lot of people
you’ve never met before—and may never meet again, unless you put forth
some effort. In your previous experiences making friends at work or
school, you probably worked with or near the same people for months or
years and had ample opportunity to develop friendships based on
proximity. This is different. Pregnancy is short, new moms are busy and
often overwhelmed, and your exposure to these potential new friends
could be limited.
To make matters more
complicated, “mommy brain” is not just a stereotype—it’s a
scientifically studied phenomenon. Pregnancy and early motherhood have
a funny way of turning even the sharpest brain as fuzzy as a Monet
painting. You’ll find yourself thinking of that wonderful, funny woman
you met in your childbirth class and wondering if she had her baby yet.
Wouldn’t it be great to get together one of these days? And then you’ll
realize you have no recollection of her name. It’s simply leaked out of
one of the holes that the demands of motherhood has punched in your
memory. And where did you put that scrap of paper where you scribbled
down her phone number again?
Don’t let that
happen! Instead of mixing all these potential new friends in with your
business contacts, old friends, and family in your existing address
book, try keeping a small notebook in your purse where you can jot down
their names and pertinent information . . . as much information as
possible, as it will help you keep them straight later and will also
give you some fodder for conversation. Your notebook might look like
this:
Name: Paige Johnson
Work Info: Freelance graphic designer
Children? 2 year old, Thomas Pregnant with baby girl, due in June
Identifying information: Lives in Uptown neighborhood, long brown hair, very sarcastic
Months from the day you meet Paige, when
you read her entry in the notebook, you’ll immediately remember her
brown hair and biting wit. You’ll know her older son’s name, when she
was due, what sex baby she had, and her name. Best yet, you’ll be able
to get in touch with her because all this information is at your
fingertips and easy to find. Maybe it seems a little silly now to keep
these kinds of detailed notes, but you won’t regret it later. However,
you may want to wait until Paige has walked away before you start
documenting her personal details!
If you do
elect to use your usual Rolodex system or PDA to keep track of new
friends’ information, make sure to include some identifying bits of
information you can use later in the “notes” area, for example, “Met
during prenatal yoga. She wore pink top and had red hair. Is a nurse at
Memorial Hospital. Likes wine.” Include any notes that will jog your
memory later. It may help to group your new acquaintances together in
one place, wherever it is you keep track of them. For instance, in your
address book, you could alphabetize them all under “M” and give them
each a title, for example, “Mom Friend: Kristy,” “Mom Friend: Wendy,”
and so on. That way, when you’re struggling to remember the name of
that potential soul mate you chatted with in your Hypnobirthing class,
you can pull up “M” for “Mom Friends” and flip through the entries
until you find the right one. Much easier than searching your entire
address book!
PLANNING FOR FUTURE ACTIVITIES
When
you have a new baby in the house, it’s easy for time to take on a whole
new meaning. Your baby will be waking up to eat ’round the clock,
you’ll probably be napping during the day to catch up on lost sleep,
and it’s easy to lose track of what time it is . . . okay, what day it
is, too. Those early weeks of motherhood are not the time to be filling
out registration forms or trying to juggle scheduling. Plan ahead now
by looking at the calendars of different groups and other classes in
the area and try to form a basic plan for which ones you’ll attend, and
when. Flip your calendar or PDA to a month or two after your due date
and pencil (or punch) in classes and activities that interest you,
along with times, locations, cost, Web sites, and any other necessary
information. That way when you’re starting to feel like it’s time to
get out of the house with your new baby, you won’t have to go looking
for all that information again.
Don’t over-commit yourself... in fact, don’t commit in stone to anything
just yet. Getting used to life with a baby may be more challenging than
you expect, and if your little angel decides she’s going to take a nice
solid nap from noon until three every day, I strongly encourage you to
enjoy the peace and time to yourself rather than interrupting the nap
just because you feel like you’re “supposed” to go to Baby Yoga classes
at 1:30! If you have to sign up for something in advance to hold your
spot, go ahead, but never be afraid to change your mind . . .
particularly if your sanity is on the line.
HOLDING ON TO OLD FRIENDS
Now is the
time to give your dear old friends their own special place in your
calendar. If you have a friendship that’s always been freewheeling and
unscheduled in the past, have a talk with your friend. Explain that
from now on you’re going to need a little extra planning time to go out
so you can coordinate your schedule with your babysitter, spouse, or
partner. And let her know that for the first few outings you may want
or need to include the baby. Sit down with your friend and schedule out
regular “dates” for the first six months or so of the baby’s life . . .
long enough to make your new arrangement a habit. Be sure to share your
calendar with your spouse or sitter so everyone knows the plan. You may
not see your old friend as much as you did pre-baby, but as long as you
both make a regular effort to spend time together, your friendship can
weather the changes.
It seems to me there
are two kinds of mothers in the world: those who socialize exclusively
with other mothers and those who maintain contact with their old
friends while making new ones in the mommy world. I hope you’ll toss
your hat firmly into the latter ring. Over the years my friends who
made no distinction between the friends who had children and those who
did not have told me it was refreshing to spend time with someone who
didn’t want to discuss diapers, school grades, or the SATs. Remember
that the next time you think to yourself: “Oh! I can’t call Mary Jane.
She doesn’t have children; she wouldn’t understand.” Mary Jane may not
know the best brand of diaper to buy but she just might keep you
connected to the latest news from your favorite baseball team or
television show. Even if the days when you could return calls right
away or go out at a moment’s notice are over, you can still keep the
lines of communication open. E-mail, IMs, text messages, snail mail,
voice mail, and carrier pigeons give you a lot of options. Give them
all a chance to love you. In the end that’s what friendship and
communication are all about.
When
your baby is here, we’ll revisit your social life to help give it a
nudge in the right direction. Right now, it’s hard to know just how
you’ll be feeling when you’ve got an infant to care for. Many women
find themselves turning inward, feeling more introverted and
introspective, when they have new babies. That’s normal. But it’s still
a good idea to set yourself up now for a rich social life. That way,
when you’re ready, you can jump right in . . . instead of wasting time
searching the bottom of your purse for that lost phone number.
