No publisher? No husband? No business
partner? No problem! Meet the women who are going travelling, setting up in
business and having babies on their own – and on their own terms
You walk into a smart restaurant and across
the room sits a beautiful, solo woman at a table for one, tucking into a steak.
What do you think when you spot her? What a poor, sad, lovely woman? Or do you
just think: mmm, I think I’ll have the steak, too. It’s probably the latter,
isn’t it? Because, in this modern, enlightened age, a woman dining alone is,
thankfully, no longer considered in the least bit odd. These days, few of us
would flinch at the thought of grabbing a bite by ourselves. But how far would
you go it alone in other areas of your life?
“When
it’s just you, you have to teach yourself the confidence to make your own
decisions. I learned quickly.”
For more and more women, it would seem, the
sky’s the limit. From taking off on backpacking holidays or launching a
business to actively choosing to raise a child without the support of am man,
there is a woman showing that solitary ventures are possible in almost every
area of life. “I find nothing sad or regretful about going on holiday on my
own,” says Lindsey McWhinnie, a journalist of 43. “It’s not like I tragically
ask around and no one wants to come with me. I actively choose to go
alone, and love every minute.”
So what, in society, has changed? For a
start, simply being single is not a taboo any more. Singledom is increasingly a
chosen way of life – a happy, positive place to be. The so-called ‘freemales’ –
successful, spirited, man-less, grown-up women who are happy to remain on – are
growing in number (and with celebrity ambassadors such as Charlize Theron and
Sandra Bullock, their image is more glamorous than ever). Some may not have
chosen to be alone – but they are proving that relying only on yourself doesn’t
have to be a negative. If they haven’t found their life partner, it doesn’t
mean their life is any less fulfilled.
We are the generation used to having
choices. Deciding not to wait for a leg-up – accepting that if we want things,
we must go and get them ourselves – is a natural extension of that. In turn,
society’s perception of independent women has shifted from pity (“poor her, all
alone”) to pride (“good on her”). As Professor Karen J Pine, co-author of Flex:
Do Something Different, puts it, “There is little stigma these days for
women to go out and do things on their own.”
As our perceptions have become more
accepting, our own ideas about what we can achieve have broadened. Now that we
are no longer economically dependent on men, a whole spectrum of possibilities
has opened up. And society has become more nurturing of women who are embarking
on things on their own.
Single
women are now able to foster and adopt children alone
Single women are now able to foster and
adopt children alone – and are even actively encouraged to do so; banks are
more likely to lend to lone women setting up a business than lone men; and
there has been an increase in opportunities for women to generate their own big
breaks, from self-publishing novels to launching blogging careers. These days,
we live in a culture that actively backs the solo woman.
But it is all empowerment and success
stories? And there drawbacks to embarking on huge new chapters in life unaided?
“Of course there are challenges to raising a child completely alone,” says
Karen McKellar, 39, who, five years ago, decided to tackle single motherhood.
“Growing up watching my mum struggle to raise three kids on her own after my
father left made me keen to take the traditional route,” she continues.
But following two miscarriages during her
four-year marriage and a subsequent ectopic pregnancy in a failed long-term
relationship she decided, in 2007, to adopt daughter Grace. “I really wanted
kids and thought, ‘Why should I have to miss out on being a mum just because I
haven’t found the right guy?’ I know that whoever I end up with has to love ma
and my little girl.” But, Karen admits, it can be tough. “Sometimes I do worry
about looking after Grace on my own – what would happen if I got sick or when I
go into work exhausted after she has been up ill all night? I’ve given up a lot
to become a single mum, such as my career, but Grace brings me such joy.”
When
it’s just you, you have to teach yourself the confidence to make your own
decisions
When you are on your own, there’s no buffer
between you and the harsh realities of life. “I have moments of insecurity
every day,” says Lauren Luke, 30, who launched a successful career on her own
five years ago by posting You Tube videos of her make-up tips – they’ve now
clocked up more than 120 million views. She went on to be courted by big beauty
brands and has since launched her own range of make-up brushes. This has
allowed her to buy a house and provide the kind of life she always dreamed of
for her 13-year-old son Jordan. “When it’s just you, you have to teach yourself
the confidence to make your own decisions,” she says. “Starting out, I really
didn’t have a clue about business, but I learned quickly.” Lauren thinks women
are often scared of setting up business on their own because we are led to
believe it takes millions of pounds, training and expertise to succeed. “I
started off with a faulty video camera that cut off during my recordings,” says
Lauren. “All you need is your own talent and self-belief – the rest is just
excuses. I love being my own boss.
For women like Lauren, working
independently can be a way of placing yourself firmly in the driving seat. For
writer Sibel Hodge, 41, it was when she had had 200 rejection letters from
publishers that she decided to take her career into her own hands. “It made me
realise I had two choices: either I could give up or I could do it without
anyone else’s help,” she explains. The latter became an opportunity in 2010,
when Amazon opened its doors to self-publishing for non-US authors. Sibel
uploaded her debut novel, Fourteen Days Later, and then a second title, The
Fashion Police, onto its Kindle store. “When I hit the site’s ‘publish’
button, it was nerve-wracking. But I didn’t see it as a gamble – I had nothing
to lose and everything to gain,” adds Sibel. The first month saw just 34 copies
of her debut novel bought, but sales soon picked up and she has since published
a further eight novels. Sibel expects her books to sell between 50,000 and
100,000 copies this year; she reject all offers from publishers now she has
proven to herself she doesn’t need them. It has turned out to be quite an
earner, with Sibel making 65 to 75 percent royalties from each book, compared
with just ten or 15 percent for authors who follow the traditional publishing
route. “It’s taken a lot of hard work and patience, as I’ve had to build up my
brand alone,” Sibel explains. “When it’s just you, you have to learn to sell
yourself.”
“It
made me realise I had two choices: either I could give up or I could do it
without anyone else’s help,”
Sibel’s success story started at her
kitchen table, but for others there can be more at stake. For Vicci Moyles, 40,
backpacking around the world alone meant giving up a ten-year career as a PR
manager and leaving a close network of friends. “When I hit 30, I found myself
increasingly restless for adventure. Most of my friends were married or had
kids so either I could stay at home or go on my own,” explains Vicci. Since
then, she has funded her solo globetrotting with stints of freelance work in
the UK. Her experiences include living with a hill tribe in Tanzania,
chaperoning teenagers to India, eating yak intestines in China and travelling
across Sri Lanka by bus. “I do have to take precautions to stay safe, but
travelling solo allows you to discover new sides to yourself. I’d be lying if I
said there haven’t been times when I wished I could click my heels and magic my
way back home – or have a friend by my side – but, honestly, these moments have
been few and far between. Travelling alone forces you to become sociable. I
never would have met half the people I’ve met had I been with someone else.
Initially, friends were concerned about me going alone, but they’ve seen the
positive impact it has had on my life and are now nothing but supportive.”
For
Vicci Moyles, 40, backpacking around the world alone meant giving up a ten-year
career as a PR manager and leaving a close network of friends.
Support is key making a solo venture
successful. Freemales might be doing it for themselves, but everyone needs
back-up. The boom in internet forums has provided a place for encouragement and
experience-sharing for single mothers. Sites such as lone-parents.org.uk and
gingerbread.org.uk provide practical support and encouragement for mothers raising
children without parents – ensuring that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.
For women travelling alone, there is a new slew of websites, such as
inviteforabite.com, which specialize in setting up wanderlusty women who are
travelling alone but fancy having dinner with someone. For businesswomen keen
to launch an idea without a team behind them, there is kickstarter.com (a forum
to find investors), women-unlimited.co.uk, bawe-uk.org and everywoman.com – all
of which offer support and networking opportunities for women on their way to
the top.
The Going Solo generation is not doing it
alone because they have something to prove. They simply draw immense
satisfaction from knowing they are in control of their lives by daring to live
it on their terms. As Karen McKellar puts it, “Modern women are more
independent than ever. We’re finally realizing we don’t need leg-ups to achieve
things. Sometimes to get the life you want, you have to find the courage to do
it alone.”
