Emotional fortitude helps you through life’s
tough times – and you may be stronger than you think, says Charlotte
Haigh-MacNeil
My old school recently hit the headlines
when it held a “failure week” – an attention-grabbing name for what was
basically a series of workshops and lectures on developing resilience. It made
me think about emotional resilience in adulthood, and what it means. To
outsides, those who tough life out without buckling are the ones who are
usually considered to be made of stem stuff, emotionally. But, in fact,
emotional resilience isn’t about a stiff upper lip and a who-cares attitude.
Take the short survey on the right to discover how resilient you are, then read
on to find out more about the special brand of emotional strength that will see
you through.
The ingredients of resilience
First, it’s vital to be in touch with your
feelings – cutting off from them is denial, not resilience. “Emotions of all
kinds make life rich,” says Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
(Bloomsbury, $15). So yes, you might cry, get anxious or rage – which can feel
painful. And you may even appear to outsiders to be coping poorly. But, in
fact, expressing your feelings is a key component of resilience – so make sure
you confide in friends and family when things are difficult.
That said, becoming overwhelmed by your
emotions isn’t healthy, and may make life difficult to deal with. If you’re
swamped by uncomfortable feelings, consider a taking therapy to learn how to
process them better.
Also bear in mind that constantly venting
emotions can leave you at the mercy of your feelings. “Having an outburst of
anger doesn’t necessarily release the anger – it keeps your brain aroused and
upset,” says Goleman. “Similarly, having a good cry can help you let go of some
distress, but if it’s prolonged it may encourage you to ruminate on what made
you cry in the first place.”
The answer? Learn to observe your feelings
without buying into them. Using a practice called mindfulness, get into the
habit of watching your thoughts pass through your mind and out again, and
you’ll learn that they’re just thoughts. Meditation can also be very helpful,
both in itself and for helping you develop everyday mindfulness.
Another element of emotional resilience is
exercising to help your mind. The positive effects are most marked if you’re
not used to working out, so if you’re already fit, vary your workouts to soothe
your emotions. If anxiety’s your biggest issue, try something calming, such as
t’ai chi or yoga – fast-paced activities like running can be too arousing.
“Get
into the habit of watching your thoughts pass through your mind”
Are you tough enough?
Tick all the boxes that apply to you:
I
cry when I need to
I
am comfortable sharing my feelings with another person
I
don’t find it difficult to admit to feeling sad or angry.
I
can identify the emotions I am experiencing at the time I feel them.
I
can bounce back from a bad week, even if I find it hard when I’m going through
it.
I
look after myself physically, with a good diet and regular exercise.
I
am able to see difficult times as challengers or learning experiences – and can
eventually 
see
a way out.
Even
if my emotions feel unbearable for a while, they don’t usually overwhelm me for
too long.
I
have healthy coping mechanisms when I’m under stress – I speak to a friend, do
some exercise or mediate, for example.
How did you do? The more boxes you ticked,
the more resilient you care.
