How to let off steam
without losing your cool
Don’t say ‘you
always…’ do say ‘when you do x,i felt y’
Be specific and
talk about how you feel. Blaming will only get an unhelpfully defensive
response
Don’t say
‘you’re stupid/lazy’ do say ‘i didn’t like it when…’
Name-calling
won’t get you anywhere. Criticise the behaviour, no the person.
Don’t say
‘we’re going to sort this if i takes all night’ do say ‘let’s discuss this
tomorrow’
Tired arguing
won’t lead to resolution. Come back to it, though or resentment may fester.
Don’t say ‘and
another thing’ do say ‘i let’s stick to the point’
Don’t drag up
every past misdemeanour – especially if your partner thought they’d been
forgiven.
CHALLENGE or CHILL?
Your Boss Shoots You Down
In Front Of Your Colleagues
CHALLENGE. ‘If it’s a one-off, let it
go,’ says psychologist Miriam Akhtar. ‘But if she always acts like this, ask
why.’ In private, explain you feel humiliated and ask that rather than blocking
your suggestions, she gives your time to explain. If she feels they aren’t
relevant, request she steers you towards what is – not show you up.
You’re On The End Of Some
Stroppy Commuter Rage
Chill. The train’s late, everyone’s
crushed, then someone pushes you and you’re furious. ‘If you hang onto every
bad thing that happens, you’ll end up angry and exhausted,’ warns counsellor
Christine Northam. ‘Shrug off small, everyday annoyances. If they really bother
you, try rationalising – maybe the railway reprobate had a row with her
boyfriend that morning?’
Your boyfriend embarrasses
you in front of your friends
Challenge. You’re at a party when he
recounts a cringey comment your once made after a few V&Ts. Everyone laughs
but you’re mortified. ‘Address issues like this before resentment builds,’ say
Christin. ‘Ask why he make a fool of you. If he’s not sorry, decide whether
this is the sort of behaviour you can put up with long term.’
He’s left his wet towel on
the bed. Again
Chill. You’ve asked him a hundred times
to put it back in the bathroom but he doesn’t listen. ‘Put his behaviour in
context,’ says Christine. ‘If he never picks up towels but always brings you
tea in bed, you might overlook the damp duvet. People have different standards;
some people are messy, some are hypercritical – both are hard to live with!’
