From a heart-to-heart with your husband to a face-off
with a friend, sometimes it’s easier to keep schtum than cause a showdown.
Here’s how to face those awkward chats – no ranting required.
We can spend hours discussing shoes, or dissecting the
merits of the low-GI diet versus the Dukan, but when it comes to tackling tough
conversations, even the most talkative fall silent. And we’re not doing
ourselves any favours. It’s not as if your boss is going to voluntarily offer
you that week’s holiday you’ve worked hard for. Nor will your friend mind-read
the fact you feel she never calls you. Often we inwardly seethe until we either
get so angry we lose our temper, or we lack the confidence to do anything, so
what needs to be vented remains unsaid. Help is at hand, thanks to a new book
by psychologist Sarah Rozenthuler; Life-Changing Conversation, which
gives us a simple strategy for broaching taboo topics. Rozenthuler, 40, says:
“Learning to raise awkward conversations can make the difference between our
lives taking an honest new direction and watching ourselves self-destruct.”
With that in mind, here are Rozenthuler’s seven steps to starting that crucial
conversation.
1.
Stand up for yourself
You already have the strength you need – you just have to
work out how to access it. “Courage is an inbuilt attribute in even the most
timid,” says Rozenthuler. Say your sister has left her kids with you yet again,
unannounced, and you’re tired of being taken for granted. Think of a time when
you successfully stood up to someone in the past, even if it was only the
delivery driver after he made you wait in all day. Remember how you told him it
was unacceptable and that you would be making a formal complain? Didn’t that
make you feel better? Jot down the pros and cons of confronting your sister.
She might be momentarily affronted, but isn’t that better than letting it build
up until you lose your temper and fall out?
2.
Pick your moment
Get the place and time right. “Choose a neutral environment
for your discussion – one that is unlikely to trigger resentment,” says
Rozenthuler. If you’re trying to tell your husband you want to rev up your
social life, don’t do it while he’s enjoying a takeaway on the sofa. Waiting
until you’re on the way home from a fantastic party will remind him how much he
enjoys meeting up with people.
3.
Don’t say it’s okay if it’s
not
“Women often apologise when we’re not really sorry and say
we accept issues when we don’t,” says Rozenthuler. You know the score. Your
friend’s kept you waiting at a bar for an hour – again. When she arrives you
say it’s “fine” through gritted teeth and spend the evening quietly sulking for
the sake of keeping peace. But you’re entitled to your emotions. Politely
explaining that you felt cross and humiliated will pave the way for an open
conversation and a more honest friendship. And will hopefully make her think
twice next time she’s running late.
4.
Use “I”, not “you”
“Tune in to the other person’s needs and adapt your
conversation accordingly,” says Rozenthuler. She says there are four languages
of conversation – the head (opinions), heart (emotions), hands (details) and
horizon (the bigger picture). The fridge repair man may appreciate a head and
hands approach, but your teenage daughter will react better to the language of
the heart. Change, “You spend all your time sulking in your room,” to, “As your
mother and someone who loves you, I’d like to see you more.”
5.
Put pen to paper
Rozenthuler suggests you pinpoint which of the six core
emotions – happiness, sadness, anger, envy, shame or fear – you’re feeling and
write what she describes as a RANT: resent, appreciate, need, truth. Say your
mother’s up in arms that you’re missing her birthday lunch, despite the fact
you’ve seen her 3 Sundays in a row. Your list might read: “I RESENT you for
making me feel guilty”, “I APPRECIATE your love” and “I NEED you to respect my
other commitments”. It will help you clarify your objectives and arrive at the
T of the acronym – Truth.
6.
Remember that you’re worth
it
Let go of the victim complex that makes you think you don’t
deserve to be heard, or , says Rozenthuler, “you’re shooting yourself in the
foot before you’ve even started”. You know your boss isn’t going to give you a
pay rise without a darn good sales pitch on your behalf. Find at least three
positive statements (“I always meet my targets”, “I have taken on new
responsibilities” and “I complete projects on time”) for every negative (“I
feel underappreciated”) and prepare a list of attributes you bring to the job.
7.
Get ready to move on
Imagine the elation you’ll feel when you finish the
conversation. “You’ll be happier than you ever thought possible.” says
Rozenthuler. Take a deep breath, speak calmly, and remember you’re taking the
final step torwards a happier future.
