6Steps
to boost your love life
by psychologist and relationship expert Cecilia d'Felice
1. Write your love life shopping list
Been single for a while and preparing
to dip a toe back in the dating game? 'Be clear about what you want,' says Dr
Cecifia d'Felice, who's a relationship consultant for match.com and author of 21
Days To A New You (Orion, £7,99). 'If you're putting out confused messages,
you'll get a confused picture back. It's not about getting prescriptive or
ticking boxes, but identifying the things you care about and value in yourself.
That way, you won't waste your time and energy, and you'll feel much more in
control,'
2. Reject your fear of rejection
The reality is we constantly deal with
minor rejections - and survive them! Your hairdresser tells you a bob won't
suit your face shape, the shop assistant doesn't have that dress in your size -
you shrug your shoulders and move on. Use this to understand rejection in
relationships. 'Change your frame of reference,' says Cecilia. 'It's not
somebody rejecting you because there's something wrong with you, but someone
helping you not to choose a mistake. The ones that aren't right will fall by
the wayside and the rest will still be there. Rejection is just constructive
feedback that frees you up to carry on choosing what you want with more
clarity.'
3. Stop taking each other for granted
In a Song-term relationship
where excitement can sometimes seem like a distant memory? 'Research shows that
the more you express gratitude, the happier your life will be, so if you want
your relationship to start feeling better again, be grateful for it,' says
Cecilia. Appreciate the little things (he makes you coffee every morning),
rather than being annoyed
by the negative ones (he leaves
his towel on the floor). You're the only one who cares about that towel so
start taking responsibility for how your anger affects your relationship. 'Our
brains are wired to notice the negative in order to survive, but with practice
we can train ourselves to notice the good.'
4.
Quit
bickering!
Even Kate and Wills probably bicker
sometimes but stop it before it spoils a happy union. 'Bickering is usually a
sign of something that hasn't been addressed,' warns Cecilia. 'Ore of you may
have acted in a way you're not very proud of and you're looking for a reason to
blame your partner rather than
take responsibility, or it could be that you're not spending enough time together, it's
often about getting attention and if you're not getting that through positive
means, you'll get it through negative means, so check you're not feeling run
down, put upon or sidelined.'
Constantly bickering? Ask
yourself these questions...
Bigger issue? What’s really
fueling these arguments?
Ignored? Do you feel
sidelined and underappreciated?
Conscience? Are you feeling
guilty about something?
Keeping on? Are you becoming
a nag? If so, evaluate the ‘issues’.
Excusing yourself? Are you
unfairly blaming your partner?
Run down? Do you need to
look after yourself a bit more?
5.
Bring backthesex!
Don't feel bad about your
fading sex drive, do something about it. 'Rather than planning to have sex
four times a week from tomorrow, build in opportunities for intimacy,' says
Cecilia, 'If you're having a hard week and you're both tired, sex will be the
last thing on your mind, so agree to stay in bed until midday on Saturday.
Planning that means the day can't run away from you - leaving you just as tired
again at bedtime. Also, don't feel it's a failure if you don't have sex, Rather
than building in pressure, build in intimacy, privacy and pleasure.
6.
Remember
the good times
When you hit a low patch in
your relationship remind yourself of what you have together. The phrase 'Do you
remember when we...' is very important because it can make you think 'Shall we
do that again?' and prompt you to set about doing something to recapture those
special moments you once shared. Read back through old emails or text messages
your partner has sent you, listen to an album that's meaningful to both of you,
or flick through a photo album. In our disposable society it's good to have an
emotional history we can call upon to remind us of everything that's great
about our relationship.
