When Kilojoules Count
Once you've entered this negative zone, Phillips
and Klipin agree, some of these toxic feelings may seep into your relationship.
It's how your partner deals with them - and with the issue of your appearance
itself - that counts.
Some men seem genuinely not to care. Michael,
the boyfriend of KwaZulu-Natal journalist Tracey*, is one of them. "He's naturally
skinny, while I have to work hard to remain a size 14, which I've been since I
was 20. Although we've done a tour of a gym together, he's generally more
likely to say something like, 'that woman could use an extra donut', and it's
very encouraging.
Secretly, I think he likes the idea of
well-fed country maidens," she laughs. At the other extreme are those men who
view their wives as a reflection of themselves: a "trophy". These men
are likely to react with scorn to any negative change in her appearance. "It's
important to remember that such men are reacting from a place of their own
insecurities and low self-esteem," Phillips notes. But even a mild response
can cut to the quick. "A friend's comments about our appearance won't have
nearly as much impact as a partner's, because of the sexual dynamic between men
and women," Phillips explains. Your partner obviously chose you because he
was attracted to you at some level, so it can be devastating to learn that some
of that attraction has dissipated.
"Women are fundamentally vulnerable in
this area. We thrive on feeling adored, feeling pretty," Phillips points
out. "Should a man tell you that he no longer feels that way, it's easy to
feel that nothing can be done to restore your appeal. You can buy the sexiest
lingerie and try the most daring acts, but if it's you he is no longer
attracted to, what can you do to change the situation?"
That's why a derogatory comment about your appearance
is so much more hurtful than a criticism of your behavior; you can always change
how you respond to a situation next time, but it's almost impossible to alter
your looks. Besides, even if you do lose weight as a result of such a
conversation, it's almost certain to leave a breach; if he found you unattractive
once, what's to say it won't happen again — especially if you regain those kilos?
"It's about a loss of trust," Phillips adds.
Such a comment will almost certainly affect
the relationship. It would take an exceptionally strong woman to shrug off the sentiment
and start implementing a different regime. Someone who is already feeling bad
about herself is more likely to withdraw even further, leaving the relationship
at a stalemate.
The Kind Cure
What if the shoe is on the other foot, and
it's your partner who has, over time, let his six-pack subside? Again, compassion
is the key. "Any criticism in this area is bound to cause damage,
especially since it's likely that there has already been a degree of
self-flagellation," Phillips says.
It's important to note that your partner's disinterest
in his appearance has little to do with you. It's easy to jump to conclusions, such
as: "If he really cared about me, he would take care of himself because he
would want to impress me", which can quickly turn into, "He doesn't
try to look attractive anymore, so he's no longer attracted to me".
Imagine yourself in the same situation; if you're
reaching for another brownie after a stressful day at the office, it's not because
you're trying to spite someone. It's because you feel overwhelmed, and in that
moment, the chocolate will help to soothe you.
But, it's equally important to remember
that just because you want your partner to change, it doesn't mean that he will,
Klipin adds. "We very seldom do things unless we are intrinsically
motivated to do so."
So, if nagging won't work and criticism will
only hurt, what is the best way to broach the topic? For a man, it helps to show
his concern for his wife's happiness, Phillips says. "He might start the
conversation by asking if everything is alright, because you are not looking
happy. This provides a platform for you to mention if anything is on your mind,
and to bring any issues to his attention. From there, you could jointly plot a
solution, such as taking up an exercise - like tennis or jogging -
together."
Keeping It Off
From a medical perspective, Bruk says that
"even though some weight gain is normal as you age, it is not inevitable".
Keep the kilos off by following a regular exercise programme that includes strength
training, as this will help to prevent - or at least slow - muscle loss.
You'll need to keep an eye on your diet, too.
Even if chips and pies were a staple during your twenties and you had no saddle-bags
to show for it, you'll need to be more cautious as you get older, especially
when it comes to the amount of sugar you consume. But that's not to say that
the occasional glass of wine or piece of cake is entirely taboo.
"It's also important to consume a lot of
antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables, as they help to slow the aging process,
as well as lean protein like lean meat, chicken breasts, fish, beans, chickpeas
and eggs," Bruk advises. Also on your list should be omega-3 fatty acids (found
in fatty fish, walnuts and flaxseeds) and low-GI carbohydrates, such as seed
bread, bran flakes and brown rice.
Bruk also warns that, if you find yourself
putting on weight rapidly - something that hasn't happened in the past - it's a
good idea to consult your doctor, and possibly a dietician.
No one said you have to be a supermodel, but
when you promise to love someone in sickness and in health, it's your responsibility
to strive for the latter.
Love And Marriage
A study of more than
6 000 Australian women between the ages of 18 and 23, over a 10-year period,
revealed that women (even those who had never had children) are prone to
gaining weight once they are in a long-term relationship. The survey asked
questions regarding weight, height, age, physical activity, alcohol
consumption, medications used, smoking history, education and health.
The results revealed
that women without children, or a partner, put on an average of 5kg. Women in
a committed relationship, but no children, gained on average 7kg, while
married women with children gained on average 9kg over a 10-year period. The
study concluded that there does seem to be a correlation between being in a
long-term relationship and a higher weight-gain for women. This seems to be
due to behavioral changes that are adopted by women in long-term
relationships, rather than metabolic changes.
